week two - too!

The body is a big sagacity, a plurality with one sense, a war and a peace, a flock and a shepherd. 

~Friedrich Nietzsche

wow, i HAVE to be happy with the weeks results ... and am.

would be great to have measurements too ... to see where it has disappeared from, but, i guess really 4kgs isnt that much, so tape wise there probably isnt that much of a change two weeks on ... but, 6kgs to goal! sounds do'able. but not easy, i know.

my personal *challenge* is being successful - and i think i am becoming 'fitter' though i have nothing tested to actually measure that side of things against, i guess thats my downfall against the real challenge at the gym that everyone is a part of. they have a bench mark... oh well. just got to trust something is going right and each day, i train with a high intensity and challenge my body enough ...  to create change that makes for a fitter, and healthier, me
arduous work doing it on your own though  :/ you never realise how motivating support is until you dont have it anymore

week at a glance - the exercise that got me there (along with great eating!) ...

too much too soon

Our own physical body possesses a wisdom which we who inhabit the body lack. We give it orders which make no sense.

~ Henry Miller

thursday - day 12 - 74.7kg - WOW - yes! seventy four point seven!!
= loss of 3.9kilos ... 6.1 to goal. nearly half way...

exercise am 10k run  1pm plyometrics (an old one written up by michelle, and i did it hard core!!!) later pm combat felt awesome after the ply, and, felt really really strong doing it. in fact. not only strong. but clean, powerful in the jumps, nimble? is nimble a descriptive word of exercise? dunno.

but. ok. one kilo overnight? i think NOT!  i either :- ...

mackay liberation

wednesday - day 11 of operation ann - morning weight 75.7kg = loss of 2.9kilos - a loss, is a loss. im taking that 100grams! 7.1 to goal.
exercise  am xfit, treadmill (20mins), xtrainer (10mins), step pm mackay lagoon muckaround

had a super start to the day, and a wonderful day overall!!! w00t!
awake at 5, went in to do xFit, though took my boxing stuff, hadnt been able to contact tanya but figured if she showed up for boxing, i would have to do that with her and no matter how i feel, i would smile for her and not let her down, she didn't ... did xFit - seven of us today, and a TOUGH workout, once again. a couple of great plyometric exercises thrown in which i gave my all ... ply sessions have always helped my running
one, though. is one michelle used to give me, and i could never do. i think they are called (skaters?) easy, right? - just a jump from side to side, except we had the viper too we had to twist turn with! hmmm how do you explain something :) we did them in the warm up minus the viper, i couldnt do them. did them as a harder version in the sets, i still couldnt do them. once i get 'going' though, and a rhythm, im ok. its just the starting. my brain just cant figure a sideways jump! frustrating.
some great jumping stuff, ... and lots of core work.  a damn fine workout!
home for a quick breakfast before heading back in to do step. now that is hard after doing a xfit  :) LOVE it. love the pumped legs feeling! hmmm....  or the feeling they just cant do anymore, yet.... they DO!
got back to the gym a little early and did treadmill for 20 minutes of intervals then xtrainer for 10 minutes beforehand

day ten

tuesday morning - day 10 - 75.8kg = loss of 2.8kilos - keeps going downwards so thats something good right? 7.2 to goal.

exercise:
sunday 24 oct am run to gym (2.5k), 28mins xtrainer, 10 mins rower, pump, balance, run home (2.5k) pm run honeyeater trail (8km), walk just past jubilee (10k)
feeling good. rarely hungry. but eating well.

monday 25 oct am run to gym (2.5k), park - 10 x 100m sprints, combat (miss last track), run home (2.5k) pm swim 1hr, run to p.o. return, pump (in office, miss warmup and squats), step, ½hr xtrainer

depression hit during combat - what the? :/
im in the middle of doing exercise which gives me relief, everything has been going well for a couple of weeks ...  and it was like a bomb blew up my mind creating an internal armageddon and ive no idea where it came from, well, part idea, but it isnt sensical to the outside world...

forever is tough

depression ...
i hate it. i hate it so frigging much :(

week one's a winner

VERY pleased with the results of week one ... a loss
- of 2.1kgs!!!  :D

have really concentrated on getting the calories in, have not run as much as i would have liked, hit with a headache last monday and allowed myself to use that as an excuse to not run that morning, nor to do a step class later that evening, it hung around in a slightly milder dose for a couple days but been feeling pretty ok other than that...

washing woes

there is something innately embarassing about having to use a laundromat, but i'm not sure quite what it is ...
it surely could not be worse than living in a home with this contraption? now, i have seen everything! imagine, your dream, to own a home with a toilet/washing machine combo! w00t! keeping up with the joneses takes on a whole new meaning i think i will pass on

our washing machine is broken, the guy finally came today to fix it, after two weeks! however, it needs some part from lg, so, will be a while longer. we have utilised two solutions - one bad, one very bad, in the meantime :D

the 'cradle' will rock

sunday, day two, ran to the gym. did pump and balance, and ran home ... a good start. nothing 'different'. nothing 'challenging' though, i guess ... the sunburn HURT. storm got a couple of hours off again in the middle of the day. we were going to go swimming, but the sunburn was too ouch so we became a couple of couch potatoes and watched an episode of dawsons creek :D watching from the beginning again for the third time cos we finished one tree hill, for the second time ! :) yeah, surprise!! every now and again, even i do something of no value to life - cool eh!?   

at 4.30, i went and did the same walk michelle and i did yesterday, except, it was shaded ... :) and i ran many sections of it.

i had woken and weighed only 77.8, so figured a loss of 800 grams overnight, was worthy of a repeat performance. haha sometimes i dont live on planet earth :P i KNOW the rules of weight loss, but still, a nice thought to think i had actually really lost it ... :D and would do so again with a repeat performance.

10 week plan to a new ann

“happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried - for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.”

the challenge started today at the gym. i have never actually done it ... the social side of it i would not handle 'supposedly', but probably a correct assumption - specially, with some of the *******'s involved i would most likely end up simply overwhelmed and very much, the loner standing tucked away somewhere wishing i could disappear! .... im just not so great to mix with anyone at the gym, and not even really that sure why? i fit in elsewhere i go. maybe, i'm just, too .... different.

anyways, regardless my social lack - the challenge is something i could really have use for at the moment, i need to challenge my fitness levels and my physical being .... so, over the past couple days have been thinking there is no reason i can't set my own 8 week challenge. im 'supposedly good' at being my own motivator (why people actually think that though i have NO idea, i need a rocket up my a** most days! :/ but thats the image of myself ive seemingly put across \o/ )
but.

upsizing - takes over

i think i am becoming more and more at ease with the fact, that i will NEVER understand people ... nor they me ... maybe i am alien ... and maybe, that's a positive trait.

this morning, i heard the most ridiculous excuse i have ever heard in my life as a justification, to eat junk food! actually, junk food, too kind a description for purely valueless energy intake - the disbelief they said what they did, heightened as they became so vocally defensive of junk food. what the! i was honest to goodness, speechless!

we have a new mcdonalds - we already have one in our small town, seems, that isnt sufficient apparently. and to top it off, this new one, is a 24 hour one.

i guess there really mustn't be anything quite like a 2am serve of fat, sugar and salt!?? if someone could explain the satisfaction of that to me, the value of it to their life - i would be more than willing to listen, doubt, i would ever agree its necessity though ....

'k'turn nightmares

i think, if i hear the term, 'k-turn' again in my life, i will scream!
training day today - andrew and i went and did ATV training for the ses, so we can zoom around the place on a quad (or the six wheeler) should it ever be needed ... :)
gonna start at 8 but he msged me to say they wanted us there instead at quart after 7 ... i had boxing with tanya at 6 so i got him to pick me up at the gym after class ...

HARD!
i thought we had a day of fun to come, cos i thought they were easy to learn/control/play with .... haha - dont know what dream cloud i was living under :D

rainy days and s(f)un days

If you go into a forest with your mind only, you'll only notice the sounds and the mind will try to interpret them. You might think you're present; but you're not really, you're simply judging what you hear. But if you become aware of the silent dimension underneath the sounds and in between the sounds, then you become present because... the moment you become aware of the silence, you also have become silent ... Eckhart Tolle

what a wonderful few days away i have had ...
plant powered camp, vegan camp, running camp
call it what you may, it was just incredibly cool - even literally! ok. no. literally, it was FREEEEEEEEEEZING!!! and rainy. but, it was the BEST.

for me, a week, but the actual camp was friday through to monday ... left to brisbane wednesday, then to sydney thursday morning ...

view photos here

blue mountains bliss

well. a SUPER start to the morning. its gonna be a magnificent week!

didnt get to bed till 2 and was up at 5 - sooooooo tired but made my tail get out of bed and went and did xfit at the gym - man oh man, i have not so wanted to throw up like that in the longest time, it was tough. :D yay! awesome workout. felt so alive afterwards and so awake. today was the first so, hopefully some others join in and it has some longevity cos i would like to keep challenging myself with it

jan took video of us all which i wasnt even aware of  ... thought it was just happy snaps which i am already bothered by because im not so sure i need to see my body twisted or moving into grotesque shapes and positions! ...  *view*

awaiting the day ...

…and the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom…

Anais Nin.

time to blossom...

missing a vital element

don't dwell on who let you down, cherish those who hold you up!
lost my trainer.
now, therapy ma'am announces, she is leaving. 8 october. :( double whammy. who leaves next? arent things in threes?...
if its someone else with influence in my life, im about done for...
my wall, which i have allowed to be slowly broken down bit by bit over the past couple years, is going back up, mighty fast, and stainless steel this time! NEVER let people *in*.... never let them be close... lessons i learned so very long ago, but i momentarily lost sight of ...
i won't, again.
*people.* :( not sure there is any who 'holds me up' so, guess, i dont have to 'cherish' anyone ....

its been a very haphazard couple of weeks training, but, - good ones nonetheless ... im not good without it actually planned and written out where i basically tick the boxes as i go along ... but, i guess its something i need to get used to, and make it happen as best i can ...

helicopter h(ell)uva day

the whitsunday great walk ... race! didnt run it, but headed in as part of the ses to help out - placed at bloodwood checkpoint with sue and ben, lovely company
boy oh boy was i petrified at the thought of heading onto the helicopter though. we had to meet at the airport at 6.30am, andrew was picking me up and he was late, two ses carloads went past while i waited out front of my place for him, each stopping, but i said i would wait ... when he got here, he said they cant leave without us :)

at the airport, was a waiting game anyways, as we went through briefing and sorting where everyone was to go etc... there were three lots of us going in on the helicopter to various points, the others either at the race beginning/end etc, me ben and sue, were the second 'helicopter' group.
while i was actually excited to see where i train from the air, it would have been MUCH cooler had i been able to run into it ... all i could keep thinking was its only 8k from the airlie beach end, i would arrive in there before them if i had started when we headed to the airport anyways! :D

when the helicopter took the first group off, my heart - !! woah was it ever beating fast ... i just remember everyone saying to me how cool it was going to be and i would love it - then talking crashes!! ha, and thinking, 'just breathe, just breathe' :)

glasshouse amazement

"how is everything going?"
"well, ive got bad news and ive got good news. i'll give you the bad news first: we're lost"
"we're lost? And what's the good news?
"we're making VERY good time!"




an amazing weekend, i could not feel more happy, or high, than i am right now ...

pre race 'le tour' - friday september 10
a long overnight drive down to the sunshine coast through thursday night saw me arrive right on quarter after ten to meet for the pre race tour ... everyone was being placed in cars ready to drive to a few checkpoints and check out once again some of the places we will be running ... given my lack of directional prowess and my enormous ability to end up lost even on my regular trails! an important time for me to take in as much as i possibly could!! placed in a car with david who knows every nook and cranny of the area a blessing, and andrew, paul and glen!

unfortunately, rain, cut us short. but quickened our speed to the pub for lunch and a drink :) on the way david kept trying to assure me that despite the rain - the mud and wet would dry up by the morning, - while the rain pelted down on us and the cars couldnt get through?!! ha! uh huh

the excitement begins

well, my bags are packed, im ready to go (im standing here outside your door i hate to wake you up to say gooood bye ... LOVE that song, though its sad)
ha! i have checked rechecked, rechecked, and then rechecked oh, and rechecked again - my back pack and my checkpoint bags .... now, its just a waiting game to hear back from hamilton island, send a job to the printers, then im ready to head!

tranquility arrives

today, i awoke, with a real peace about me ... like, there is no emotion involved. and its such a gentle, and beautiful feeling. i dont feel happy, i dont feel sad. i dont feel empty. i dont feel angry. i dont feel negative. i dont feel positive.
i just feel. me.

relaxed. and at peace.

nothing matters, except for me. and im about to leave, and escape life, and escape people, and run.
just simply, run.
that's all i have to do. and i have worked months for this weekend. i deserve it to be a grand weekend.
and i can use all the emotion that will come between now, then, and especially while there and feeling alone, to run, the very best i ever have. and the only person, who i need to be proud of me. is me.

thats all that matters.

im strong. im determined. im independent. and, im gonna fly this weekend...

\o/ care

saturday 4 september 2010. around 8.30am. the most AMAZING moment of my life.
i did ONE GOOD thing in my life - i helped save a life
tuesday 7 september 2010. around 11.30am. yet another disappointing moment of my life.
i am not wanted, once again... and tossed on the too hard pile, by the one, i REALLY thought would never give up ... - bad luck i am human :/ *on your side forever* - forever doesnt last very long ...

up, then down. always... i was SO happy saturday morning ...

today, there was no opportunity to explain really, for, i never had the words. certainly not the right ones. but nor, was it my choice. i understand people need to protect themselves from me. it was unexpected, yet, not unexpected.

i have cried so much the past few days, there are no tears anymore. i have just spent the afternoon in bed, laying there, numb. trying to think of all that was said... replay rejection.
life is too hard. i dont have answers. but yet no tears would come.

when will someone understand us? us? - US? when will i get to meet someone like me ....? i cant be the only one who feels like i do, or is as horrible a person as me to others ... i do NOT like, that i am not nice ...

i have no energy to work.
i have no energy to exercise.
i have no energy to eat.
i have no energy to think.
i struggle to breathe.

but the one that frightens me the most.
i have no energy to care. :(

i want something, to make me care.


"i wanted to tell someone today what i did
share there was goodness in me
but then i remembered
there was noone to listen" ........................... me. 04/09/10

a depressed mind

i am pushing people away :/ i SO dont want to, i cant think, there is one person that likes me at the moment ... but i cant stop it... all im doing is arguing with people, saying horrible things and pretty much telling them to f*** off or to leave me alone. and they are
:(
i dont *really* want that.
but its done. and i cant change the damage i have created. i am nasty.

... i really just hate me. exactly like everyone else.

none

and now ... the afternoon, everything changed again ... and i was SO happy, and just wanted to share that happiness with someone .... god i am just friggin stupid for attempting to, and asking

please god i dont know why i asked... desperation for a human that i care about, to share the best thing i have ever done in my life .... ? \o/ the ONE good thing
i dont expect it to negate the bad i have done ... but i hope, it helped a little ... oh i so wanted to tell someone i AM a good person when i can actually see it for the first time,,, .... just a half an hour of theirs ... - i dont know what i was thinking to imagine they would say yes... but im sick to my stomach that i asked, and i hope one day they forgive me for doing so.... i was wrong.
but please somehow make everything be ok - i hate that people have to know me.... they didnt ask for that intrusion or that burden upon their lives .... :( please help give me strength to get out -

i think, my finger slipped off, the bottom rung :(

miracle at airlie beach

i hope. something happens. that brings me to life again. <- OMG it happened.... today, we saved a life. that. is a miracle. a miraculous story. the guy was missing in the scrub for five days! our team, david, ben and myself were the ones who were in the zone where he was so came across him - david thought he was dead, but then his fingers moved ... and he and i sat with him, till others came to help us get him out, the terrain, overgrown, we had already been fighting it while searching, and had to get the floodboat and many people, through the overgrowth  ....
probably - the most miraculous day of my life. the things that happened. the things we witnessed. the things we did. the smells .... none of today, will ever be forgotten. really, a miracle.

everyone deserves to live, no matter who they are. even him. i hope. in time. he sees that. and it changes his life. i hope. he can smile again. *blessings*

it woke me up.

seven days

i would have to say, it hasnt been my grandest week in a long while ...

7 days, till glasshouse. this evening, even though ive been backwards and forwards for so long .. i decided, finally, to only do the 100km and emailed ian. i feel very disappointed with myself. i know i am capable. i am fit. i have run more kilometres this past few weeks i think than for any other race i have ever done. i've been pleased on the most part of the running i have been doing. the quality of it. the fun of it. in fact, its the one thing ive been pretty sure of myself about. my training. has been good.

perfunctory. nice word.

7,039,761,524

thats the amount of people in the world.
take away me. take away my children.
thats leaves 7,039,761,521 humans ... yet i feel so alone...
that's seven billion, thirty-nine million, seven hundred and sixty one thousand, five hundred and twenty one people, i have no attachment with.
not a single one, of that number, who would choose to spend time with me ....
thats says quite something about the person i am ....

three hours sleep. a demon night. 5.30am. run to the gym. best run ever, time wise.
11 minutes, 41 seconds. not a huge achievement compared to other runners, but, for me - i am pleased. i have wanted to push myself under 12 minutes for a long time ... i want to tell someone. but even if i had been given that opportunity, its not even very important to tell anyways. time wasting. most of what i speak is.

bike class. perfunctory.

mournful monday

"of course you are allowed someone but not just anyone"

the words reverberate.. they feel so very hurtful...
the world is closing in around me and i seem to be having fewer days for relief in
between the dark ones ... :/

today, i went to *******
i had little to express. no words. as normal, i was asked to write.
i had to write *what do 'i' want for me*
i could not think of anything i wanted. but then, i did.
i wrote, and wrote.

but it was my first sentence apparently got their attention and focus

what do i want? for me? the only thing i could think of - that is speaking the truth ... i want to go sleep and never wake up, and i want, for everyone
who knows me, to be ok with that ... and be accepting ...

rut roh! WRONG answer!!!

conversation with friend

him: how are you doing?
        me: hangin
        pause.
        me: 2 weeks till my next race
        pause
        me: trying to be everything other people want me to be
him: ah, hard to be that and you at the same time
        me: uh huh
        me: i arent very 'me' at all
him: that could become 'you' if you're not careful

simple. concise. correct.

chocolate

i want to go to the supermarket

i want to buy some chocolate. any chocolate.

i want someone to see me. someone i know. preferably someone, who knows me well, not just by sight.

i want them to say 'hey ann, what the hell are you doing?!"

and i want to look them in the eye, and answer, "i'm buying chocolate"

yes - just like living in paradise

i started the day grandly with a run at shute harbour. i went to do the stairs, did them once, then a km run - did it ten times. hard work, but MUCH easier than the 5 stairs 3km run combo ....


then home for brekky, and to begin
a most awesome day
with a most awesome daughter
in paradise.

the weather couldn't have been more perfect.

walking, swimming and snorkelling on the great barrier reef

walked down to the marina ready to leave ... we know the owner so if ever they have spare seats and the boat is going out, we are allowed to head out, for free ... havent done it in a couple of years though... so when we got there, the guy (shannon) was looking up our names, then saw beside them FOC - ooooh he said, you must be friends of the owner? yes i said, OH - you are spies!!! we were treated royally for the day :)

successful run

completed :)

54kms, done and dusted!

REALLY pleased with how i went and how i felt doing it, and feeling ready... a little sore right now though :) (this too shall pass!!)

went past a friends after, was hoping to head out on their charter tomorrow and do some snorkelling on the barrier reef (awesome recovery!?! but also storm asked friday night if we could) jumped in their pool while there, her suggestion, and man that felt GREAT on the legs!! have stretched. done all i can :) now. its just a relaxing eve - me and the election coverage (ugh!) oh, and BED!! storm at a friends tonight so going to try and sleep early so i dont worry so much :)

great training week

a good week, training wise. yayayay! feeling great. total running - 110kms. well, that will include tomorrow as well. so, only 56kms so far!

sunday 15 august: rest day.
am run to gym • pump • balance • run home
pm coral beach - walk - 4km
ok, that wasnt quite a 'rest' day .. but the afternoon, already written of, relaxing, which makes it ............ simply, restful. :) bliss.

hi, hi, hi, beautiful su-unday

spider webs every where, the air thick with butterflies, the sky solid blue with narry a cloud .. life, in winter, really couldnt be better could it!

a glorious day!
ran to the gym, did pump and balance, did the 40/40 on the trx, only one extra push up to friday, no extra on the pull ups - man they are TOUGH! soooo 15/21 - ran home ... nice start., it is 'rest day' :)

crocodiles with leery smiles

a couple of good runs today ... when it all come down to it, thats what ive got to be concentrating on right now... only 4 weeks till glasshouse 100m

ran out at kingfisher in the morn, coral beach in the afternoon. croc sightings so the warning signs were out, made me a bit on edge, the place was dry as a bone though ... my mind went everywhere when i realised i actually knew little about crocs and where they lived or what they could do ...

morning conversation with storm when i headed out and she was going to be at work before i got home ....

"running at coral this afternoon, when i ran out at shute harbour thursday and ran past the entrance, the croc signs were out, can humans outrun crocs?"
"mummy, what do YOU think?!"

trx with jan

tough workout - first time on the trx

friday the 13th, to boot!

the culmination of a few weeks of awkwardness and misunderstanding ... but now, its done.

and i enjoyed it. :/ very much.

i shouldnt have to feel bad, or guilty, for that...
should i?

the feeling of 'alive'

goodness gracious about time
training - MUCH more successful - i feel like breath has come back into me, and, with only 4 weeks until glasshouse, it is time to really up the ante, i cant afford anymore downers between now and then

after an internalised hissy fit tuesday morning where my body fought with the bed, obnoxiously refusing to run and go to bike, a very unusual happening regardless of how i 'feel', and a day of bleh at myself and life, tuesday evening, it started to turn around ... i went and did balance before heading to ses
ses - w00t w00t! after 11 months of being in it, all the training, the cyclone work, the s& r for the drowned guy at bowen, all in second hand gear - i have FINALLY got *MY* own uniform :) yayayay - a big huge plastic santa claus bag of orange, no more hand me downs for me! - overalls and a two piece and t-shirts and wet weather gear and helmet and cap and glasses and gloves and .......................... no boots still. darn :) well, at least i will look 'brand new' ankles upwards, and thats a large percentage of body coverage eh!

the battle

One evening a Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside of us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

the pit

my body is not feeling very normal today

my energy levels are at an all time low

i keep getting shaky, really piss weak i cant lift a muscle shaky ... hopefully, just the aftermath of the sugar rush junk food i fed it ...

hypocritical oxymoron that i am

i am down in the pit again, im not even sure exactly what that means, its a term kerrin or michelle use, 'youre in the pit' 'get out of the pit' ... that they learnt at a fitness seminar i think (?) ...
fits, when i am in the doldrums, (mayhaps?)
i kind of get it. im in a hole. a deep deep hole - no way to escape. and kerrin will yell at me to get myself on the 'friggin first rung' of the ladder ...
how do i EVER explain, to anyone, its that first rung, i can never find ....

2am wonderment

These spiritual window-shoppers,
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking.
They handle a hundred items and put them down, shadows with no capital.

What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping.
But these walk into a shop,
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment, in that shop.

tough afternoon

left pump, after one track, warm up. im really screwed up ... not that anyone cared about it or was in any wonderment as to the reasons why i left \o/
not even my trainer ... THAT, actually, says a lot .... :((

sometimes surviving... is the only living i can do

the best laid plans

oftenatime, i forget what i enjoy.

today, i was reminded of it.

things werent quite to plan, but got a great run in despite of.

slept in, but didnt get to bed till 1, woke, and it was NINE O CLOCK!!!
oh well, change plans but they werent concrete, in fact, i hadnt really known how to pull off what i had to do anyways ...
was spose to do the great walk, starting at brandy creek obviously across to airlie ... but the one person i feel comfortable enough to ask to give me a lift to the beginning of it ... so i can just run it once across from brandy creek end, is, not in my life anymore. well. told him to leave me alone. that was 12 days ago. so far, that has now worked, though in the past it hasnt. so to ring him up, and ask for a lift, moreso, knowing he most likely would, is very wrong of me...

therefore, stranded.

the person you now, are

and hansel said to gretel, " let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things"

this year i lost my way, and losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.

the best daughter in the world

my day, wasnt very flash - the morning, a shocker
storm got stuck into me about how rude i was, to michelle, to the people on the road, in the supermarket ... while still at the gym she said to me when we get home, i am going to bed to SLEEP (this is at 11.30am, bless her cotton socks) and she is closing the door and i aint coming out till bedtime ! ha
but, michelle had said i was flat too. i was different from tuesday morning ???? well, she has been away for a week and just got back, we spoke before bike tuesday morning very briefly - simply polite conversation, not informational - i havent seen her since then until our training session this morning, we did weights, its not really a im at the circus watching the clowns laughing time .. and - ive changed? i arent really sure how she figured that out from so little to go by .... \o/
i was feeling happy as far as i had knew ....

some days ... just suck

people -

win win

today, was a good news day ....
had appt with specialist at the hospital, room and all this time! and, she checked me out thoroughly, top of head to tip of toe, inside and out ... and given me a 'you can train again' result .... :D
though i have been anyways, its nice having it official and approved.

oh my aching butt

coral beach was open today :) yay -

i am feeling very sore - not really fully sure why .... over the weekend i trained really well,

saturday ran at the great walk and kingfisher - 20k's ... beautiful as always, the area. was spose to run 22k so cut it short by 2 as my back really ached ( an excuse?) ... went to the gym and did a really good stretch afterwards and threw in just a couple of weights cos i was there. afternoon was heading out on the localvore tour so knew it was a lazy afternoon/evening ahead. felt a little muscle tired, but not really super sore or anything.

danger will robinson

coral beach STILL closed .... :/

so, did the stairs 14 times (OUCH) then came back to do mt rooper - twice - the first time, i got lost!!! hell i dont know how but ... well. it's me, it's possible apparently ...

countless times i have run it, both directions, it is, quite overgrown at the moment, only grasses though, all the cyclone damage has been cleared .. just long tickly grass, well, actually, probably some form of plant, not like green lawn - anyways, running, discovered myself thinking it was even more overgrown than last week, questioning, stopping, looking, no, im still on the trail, it is still ok - a few times ... then came across a landslide - well, that explained what was wrong ... there's been a landslide since last week!! way across the other side, i could just make out what i thought was the trail again, so, precariously, i made my way across, careful of every footfall, for it sure didnt look safe, and also thinking, i must call the council and let them know .... across the worst of it, the trail, still overgrown, i could (ha really?!) make it out!

i become a judas

*change the habit of thinking, visualising and talking unlucky *

spose that could also end with the word - negatively.

today, a bummed out day, not even any exercise, which is normally the cure, could lift me from my self imposed doldrums :( i dont know where they came from ...

ran to gym, walked most of it with a million conversations going on in my head of all i had to do and say, it sucked, did balance, it sucked, ran home without a word to anyone, left via the aerobics room door so noone saw me, it sucked.
worked, emails out to schools, tons of them. that part easy, a robotic task.. business card design. couldnt get anything looking good. sucked.
back to gym in the afternoon. only good thing of that was storm came too... which was good for her.

hiding a body can be difficult

my horoscope says: "Don't leave anything to the last minute today - there are likely to be rewrites, detours and dramatic changes of direction that shock everyone and take them completely by surprise. Digital and electronic devices are unstable and communication is erratic."
thats hilarious - apt - i have just been and hidden a 'body' part way up mt rooper, we (SES) are 'searching' for it tonight, and what are we using? walkie talkies, and gps's (thats the goal if people turn up) - let's see how the communication goes then eh! and, cos i had to hide it later in the day, i left my training run till days end too, and when i went to run, the trail i was doing was closed, *danger* signs everywhere (what the!) so had to go do another instead, i like things planned ... ah yes, detours, dramatic changes... horoscopes. dont leave anything to the last minute. bit late, the advice.

so, my day?

proud of me

ok, i love my life right now - it is, finally, full of only the most wonderful people i can imagine - and for that i can but only be, the luckiest

i ran into people last night by chance as i headed for a late night dessert, that until i left work a couple months ago, i thought were friends - was surprised to discover, apparently not - but, that's life eh :)
it was a huge faceslap
for all that is happening, i have worked hard and i DO deserve the results - workwise and personal - and, the only people who touch my life with any influence, all have some sort of amazingly positive strengths that rub off and bring happiness to me
they, are the ones who count.... hopefully, i recipricate many blessings back to them too somehow ....

i dont need those who dont like 'the more confident me' - whatever their reasons - to create any negativity. i allowed last night to bum me momentarily, but pulled myself together quickly ....
i am, a new me. and i am proud, finally, of the person i am becoming, slow as the changes are. they have been decades of years in the making.

about time.

gorgeous run

really really REALLY enjoyed running today, better than any trail i have run lately, and certainly better than 'anything road' :) i felt like i was home.

i am always astounded why there isnt tons of others wanting to get out there and feel the amazement and beauty of running on a trail too.

i did some stair training first out at shute harbour - 90 stairs, 10 times up and down, 1800 steps! - haven't done THAT in months! - by 7 and 8, legs were like jelly, was going to stop, superly glad i didnt - pushed myself hard for the last couple, so shows we ARE capable of more than we know - i AM capable of pushing myself more than i do... probably for most everything. when i finished and was stretching, it was a MIGHTY fine feeling - and by the time i got in the car to head to the trail beginning, they felt strong and ready to run again.

running starts again

yesterday - the iron shots, dr decided to go against what the pharmacist said, even after asking him specifically, but thats ok. and better. double dose every friday. and only three weeks to see how it goes! thats do'able. nurse was going to give it to me, then, because i was in with him, she had someone else with some hour long procedure arrive, so dr had to do it - he didnt want to :) ahhhhhhh the life of a dr - but he didnt have choice, so, butt - jabbed. energy - is on its way. fingers crossed, cos it friggin well HURT and still hurts!

so this evening, i headed off for my first 'run'
5km - the goal - w00t :D but it's a trial to see how i do
the day was good, i did no exercise in the morning at all, in fact, woke relatively late
so, fresh to run. goal, to the gym and return.
and, i did it!
i was so extremely happy - ok, it wasnt 'easy' and it was 'only 5k' but, i did it. a couple of hills, and a stop right near the end, i wish i hadnt stopped, but - it wasnt about dizziness or head spinning or anything to do with energy levels at all. i felt fantastic, i just couldnt get my lungs to get a good breath, and that was after a downhill, which makes it worse cos i was 'recovered' from the uphill slog, anyways, did it though, which was the important thing and was ECSTATIC! hopefully, improvement comes

becoming positive

well well, life changes quickly. lots of positives today. in fact. im going to try my very best to only write positives from now on.
started the day with balance class which is about the best way ANY day could start! while still not able to lay on my belly i did MUCH better than tuesday night. always nice doing a class with kerrin. actually had some laughs with her afterwards re some photos I have received. in a nice way. people are very gracious, and for a lot of them, in sending photos, they have touched a part of themselves which is important to them. so im trying to think of ways to include everyone. because, they have all been so supportive of me and generous in sharing

day one to getting better

this picture is titled. ann runs. yet, i dont. such an oxymoron. but. one day, i will again!

today the doctor is letting me go to 'top my engine up' w00t w00t! so. the explanation.

yesterday, i was starting to get a little concerned at my lack of improvement. ok, concerned? or frustrated? maybe they overlap. i was tired of the pain, though i was dealing with that, it was worsening, but that may just be a mind/brain thing, and i wasnt strong enough, perhaps i had simply reached the end of tolerance .... and, gave up.the actual worse thing that can happen is i do black out. when that happens, i need to be laying. then my body will take over and restore itself to normal and i will be - good :)

boy. does ANY of that make sense? i doubt it. cos its all seemingly so opposite to what one would do if unwell. specially, how i have been feeling... specially, even, this from morn, till the afternoon. but well. im back. may i be THAT positive. overall. the project, was a success. yes. i did try pretty hard tonight. it may not have shown. i felt giddy. yes. there are moments i wasnt sure i could or should keep going. when i did, i punched harder, i lifted my knees higher. i tried to stay jumping. it - worked ! it, went past the dizzy feel, many times.
man. but the dr was right.
what a learning.

i felt at my worst driving home. would have been good if i could twitch my nose or something and magically be there.
and, i have felt pained tonight, but , mostly, cos of .........

foolish frolicing

today - i did - probably the stupidest thing, a human being could.
a lesson learned though - if a trail is marked as 'CLOSED' in big huge red writing, abide by it, it means, quite simply put - it is .... CLOSED!
i, arent so great at following routes, sometimes, with them even clearly marked in front of me, though to be fair, often 'trails' arent clearly seen ... that, is what causes someone to become, a misper.
today. i came close. i have never been more scared of being 'lost' than at any time - well, probably in my life. which is odd. for sometimes, i want to be simply 'lost' :)
today. i was. many times. the mind, becomes very confused and panics when we 'think' we are lost. for the most part, noone is EVER lost. we are always 'somewhere'. so if we could allow our brains to remain calm and collected, we could create a mind map of where we have been, and easily find ourselves back at where we started.

tbc

new year magic

a good start to the new year is imperative for the mindset

so, after a failed attempt in 2009 at doing the great walk (a 27km trail run in the whitsundays) with a friend, the result simply from lack of communication and a complete misunderstanding, (i was waiting for her at 6am, she had already taken off at 5.30 and i hadnt known) but which prompted me to withdraw for 10 days and lingered in the background (to me) for a while despite sorting it out...

depression & running

depression is an insidious disease
it grabs me, and drags me down to where i feel there is no hope

but, i go and run, or i go to the gym, and while active, and for about an hour afterwards, i escape its clutches and feel really really good, about myself, about life. - during those moments, its like im invincible and nothing can hurt me or wear me down, stress me, pressure me, nothing.

unfortunately, it doesnt last long after finishing so i sit and am back to figuring i am lazy/fat/ugly, boring, despicable, place any self denigrating word in there and i think it of myself ...

overcoming fear of injury

yin and yang, black and white shapes within a circle, representing *everything* - the continual movement of them both, an interaction of two energies
"yin" (black) dark, passive, downward, cold, contracting and weak
"yang" (white) bright, active, upward, hot, expanding and strong


yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold. positive and negative.

all of that is something ive believed for a very long time, for all areas of life.

exercise, any form of movement, is also, simply, yin and yang.
yin, focusing inwards, tai chi, yoga, pilates .... yang - focusing outward, increasing the heart rate, upping the intensity. both have their challenges. a combination of each are needed to give our bodies balance.

within it is the concept of everything happens for a reason right? and whats that to do with running?

i am scared to run trails again. thats the short story.

the longer story, is where i am at right now.

homeward bound

midnight 8 hours till i make the drive back to home.

my legs feel great, had a hard time going up and down steps on monday, today a trip into brisbane sure loosened the muscles up -odd because i never get sore during any training, and, i dont recall any soreness at all after the northface, however i was in a position then to have an ice cold bath straight after finishing, - this time i wasnt. i think that makes the difference.
my ankle, swollen, but i have an appointment at the doctors before i leave to get it freshly strapped and hopefully, the drive wont be too harsh on it and aggravate - wishful thinking? mayhaps. times like this an automatic would be kinda nice.

glasshouse mountains

sometimes in life we do things some people will never understand - this weekend, for me, has been one of them.

for i am seen in my small community as *crazy* *silly* *odd* - in a nice way of course, but, people just dont get how wonderful it feels to run longer distances, to me, it doesnt matter whether an event (since ive only run two, this is good haha) im such a late starter, or out training on my own ... i dont understand why "everyone isnt out doing it."

so, this weekend, i got the opportunity to meet the most amazing and generous people - many whos entries and blogs i had read over the past year on cool runnings - and i have finally found a place i actually belong - alongside others who have the shared joy of challenging that beyond which we are capable of - testing out own boundaries and abilities - i entered into the glasshouse mountains 100miles.

none today

feelings this past few days ... i am always tired, lethargic, do i do too much? or is it simply not enough good nutrition for my bodies requirements
have not done anything at the gym since monday :( three days and i feel i am fat and lazy and just a pig, and

apathetic
depressed/suicidal ideations

i am really so tired of just wanting to die all the time. it takes all my energy and effort to rid the thoughts and i am simply, emotionally, drained.

dramatic? mayhaps. not in my eyes, my mind is tired and i miss my mum since, well, since new years day more than ever - damn me. damn life.

how can i think so dumbly?

how do i fix things

here i am - good me, responsible, working ... but today i am having trouble even thinking, im not really doing very much work, which sure doesnt make me feel better, i hate not being productive too ... but my mind wont stop thinking, and im tired...

i feel so helpless on what to do to rectify everything ... there is nothing i CAN do :/ the year has begun, every bit of wonderfulness i was going to start it with, cant be given back, and, ... well, just nothing i can do, so why try ...

i didnt go to boot camp this morning :(
i dont want my mind anymore - i want to go home to bed, close my eyes, and fall asleep and never wake up
:( :( :(

bleh

total calories 1491 - total used up from metabolism and exercise 3198 which leaves a deficit of -1707.

100km trail goal

have decided to do the 100kms trail race in the blue mountains in may 09. a goal.!
will need michelles help to do it. that means ive got to talk. regress. ive regressed. because of new years day!?? f*** me!

havent done enough exercise today, though, did do weights.... so hopefully thats 'ok' .. went to the gym AFTER pump had started, that way i didnt have to have a conversation with kerrin :( - its all still too raw to deal with .... i had such hopes ...

and, after pump and before balance, i went out for a short run, actually, went and did sprints in the park ... so,. between classes there was no chance of bumping into her, then, by the time that had finished , i had left cos i had to get home to get storm to work. i still cant beleive she just simply didnt turn up :( and i still cant believe she hasnt even answered the text and its like, to her, nothing is even wrong :( knowing people, sucks. - better, oh so much better, to just be on my own.

my shoulder is still sore. it cant be from darts cos until this afternoon when i did play some with tobias, i havent played for two days and it is still just as sore. i couldnt do bench press - only did half a set then stopped because it was too sore.

oh, and all that walking and trail running, and i only lost 400grams :/ that sucks. my weight is up 1.8kgs from when michelle last weighed me. how hard it is to know the right and wrong things to do, to eat more, to eat less, exercise more, exercise less. it is DAMN hard.

total calories 1491 - total used up from metabolism and exercise 3198 which leaves a deficit of -1707. not enough calories .. got to get back on track so my body isnt in 'starvation ' mode and michelle says i look 'bloated' when she sees me -- read.  fat!! in other words.

trail running fun

didnt go to combat, ... was worried in case michelle was back from holidays and i dont know what to say to her because i havent spoken for so long .. :/ damn my social lack

went instead for a walk i did up to honeyeater lookout - though quite steep inparts, ran quite a lot of it, but its fun running compared to road ... every step is precarious and its fun avoiding stones and all, the leaves, the wildlife, the sounds, .... so wonderful ...
have decided i love trail walking/running.... made an exercise goal for january - am going to walk (can run some but the goal is simply walking) 400kms throughout january ... as much as possible trail.
now THATS somewhere ive never been.

so thursday 1st january 30kms
friday 2nd january 12kms
saturday 3rd january 10kms - total 52 kms in 3 days.
did around 30 in the previous two days to that though, so just over 80kms in 5 days .... not a bad start, going to be hard once back at work to do large amounts though, but i will figure it all out.

total calories 1701 - total used up from metabolism and exercise 3296 which leaves a deficit of -1595.

breakfast like a king

have had a HUGE breakfast - 462 calories, - added what i would normally have at dinner to see if eating more at days beginning makes a difference of any description - cottage cheese and the onion and garlic added in - its 10.11am, i am feeling SO F***ing FULL! and fat. and want to bring it up, but hey, am writing instead - i wish the feeling would go away though and i didnt have to fight it. it leads to a path of destructive thinking

feelings arent real. feelings arent real. feelings arent real.

new year, same me

the beginning of a new year, everyone makes resolutions ... does it make a difference?

new year thought/change number one. i am going to try and keep a regular record of food and exercise again so i can lose weight - it seems if i keep it recorded, i work better with it all ... ... takes 5 minutes at the end of the day, and journal quickly my thoughts and feelings of the day
the year began so disappointingly yet it had the potential of gold yesterday when i was approaching it ... i was so so SO happy .... ecstatically so ... long long story which takes in things that have happened over the previous months and so is a build up to get me to - yet again, disappointed. :/ i set myself up for it (albeit unknowingly) though. sad huh. hurt. disappointed and hurt, are they two such very different emotions? i have a lot of questions i ask myself.

depression... is an ugly illness ...

keep on keeping on

i have decided to keep trying, a few days maybe i have left here at most, ... dont give up till the fat lady sings, isnt that what they say .... and i know should i leave badly again, i wont like myself for it ... i cant control someone elses feelings but i can at least try, so i know it wasnt me that gave up, ...i have sent text and email, saying i wont give up, and thats all i can do ...
so, yesterday was spent trying to pack, we finally got word we have the house we want ... this is its internet description ...



Private Hideaway
Summary: Peace and tranquility in your very own private paradise in the Whitsundays. This 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom cottage has magnificent 180 degree seaviews over Conway Beach. It has polished floorboards, is freshly painted, has open-plan living and an above ground pool. On large acreage with its own rainforest, there is a large native garden with maintenance included. Small dog or cat considered. Renting for $285 per week plus costs and available now. Inspections by appointment only.

the decision

although its been lurking in the background of my mind, and driving many crazy with my indecision to be able to do so adequately to satisfy them, last night, i made *the decision*

and it came so easily, - with the slamming of a friendship into nothingness, yet, lost so long ago, but hung onto like some clawed out mountainside waiting to avalanche... a sad way to end, and an unnecessary way, but i guess the other person involved saw no other answer ... just a wham bam thank you ma'am for the pleasure while you gave it but im bored with you now, friendship, slowly dissolving, boom, gone.

so, i now, pack myself and storm up, somehow, as quickly as possible and make the bold move away from everything as we have known it to be for the past five years and adventure out into that world of the unknown, full of excitement, nervousness