breakfast like a king

have had a HUGE breakfast - 462 calories, - added what i would normally have at dinner to see if eating more at days beginning makes a difference of any description - cottage cheese and the onion and garlic added in - its 10.11am, i am feeling SO F***ing FULL! and fat. and want to bring it up, but hey, am writing instead - i wish the feeling would go away though and i didnt have to fight it. it leads to a path of destructive thinking

feelings arent real. feelings arent real. feelings arent real.

going to do the same walk as i did yesterday just not double track it as i did yesterday so will only be 18kms today - doing it with tobias so it may take a little longer time wise but that is SO fine !
didnt go to the gym this morning, class would be on right now in fact!, was going to go (originally at 'weeks beginning plans' after discovering classes are indeed 'on' and not cancelled like i was told they were for the week :/ ) ...dont want to see anyone there - better to just not go and not allow myself to be eaten up inside with ughness, though i guess its happening here, but at least i am home, and private with it ....... :(

but i really need a pump class - though ive been going and doing weights and trying to do them heavy, havent done pump for nearly two weeks now ... - ugh. damn life. i wish i had never been asked me to do the walk in the first place. why ask someone, then simply not respond when its time to do it ? i would never have picked anyone to do that to me :( maybe she is trying to teach me a lesson that i shouldnt regard them so highly ... who knows. if thats the lesson though, well, its worked, ... i dont like discourteous people ....to have 5 whole days off work now and not to go to the gym beacuse i feel uncomfortable being there ? :( damn me. damn people. damn life. and for some reason, scared in case michelle is there - either to do class or her own thing, and i would have to talk to her. how crap and screwed up AM i for hecks sake!!! storm told me she is back, because she saw her new years eve, i wish i never knew that ....

i want to have the feeling i had on wednesday when kerrin asked me to walk and i felt ecstatically happy inside with anticipation and excitement at a great way to begin the new year and bring it on - gosh i felt so good .... - i want that feeling back and not the day and a half to now that has followed
i hate when i avoid people ................... i really REALLY do. and i wish it WAS as easy as others say for any 'feelings' i deal with - 'get over it' . its not :( its oh so not that easy

fucking oxy moron that i am.

total calories 1480 - total used up from metabolism and exercise 3376 which leaves a deficit of -1896. no weight loss though