mournful monday

"of course you are allowed someone but not just anyone"

the words reverberate.. they feel so very hurtful...
the world is closing in around me and i seem to be having fewer days for relief in
between the dark ones ... :/

today, i went to *******
i had little to express. no words. as normal, i was asked to write.
i had to write *what do 'i' want for me*
i could not think of anything i wanted. but then, i did.
i wrote, and wrote.

but it was my first sentence apparently got their attention and focus

what do i want? for me? the only thing i could think of - that is speaking the truth ... i want to go sleep and never wake up, and i want, for everyone
who knows me, to be ok with that ... and be accepting ...

rut roh! WRONG answer!!!

this morning - i ran.
30kms.
well, to shute harbour, up past the stairs to the pinnacle and back home, it is a little under 30kms.

today. i was tired of running.

did i run well? well, i guess some would say wow. good run. simply because i did it. but simply doing something isnt the measure of success.

for no, i didnt run well at all. in less than 2 weeks, the glasshouse is on. 160kms. i need to run MUCH better than todays - it is certainly much tougher than the road run of today, so if i choked on an easy 30, i have no hope.

this afternoon - i went to pump.

'i went'. the operative words. sometimes that is the big step to take. to simply somehow, walk through the doors at the gym and hope i make it through without to much fear taking hold or feeling too much out of place. its moreoftenthannot - intimidating to walk in - but moreso in the mornings when the plastic clique have their hold - i wonder how they would survive without the safety of each other.... ? cliques - are people who are weak. i remember someone once telling me that ... but, pump. afternoon. instead. i endured. and did it. invisibility.

but today. i was tired of the gym.

dumb question to wonder if i did pump well. i never do. i am useless at weights. but. i got out there into the world, i breathed the air. isnt that the idea?

i feel just very pressured.

kerrin thanked me for what i have written on fb. i smiled. i said thats ok. oh if people knew what was happening inside my mind as they spoke to me. but people, never see. not even kerrin. as long as whatever i say, finishes with a smile, then everything, is ok.
thats not a complaint. its a busy world. and everyone has their own problems to deal with.
i never see inside their minds. maybe they all even have the same thoughts too. maybe im not very alone at all.

just maybe.

but it is a different me that writes what she reads on facebook. i know what has to be said. i know whats expected. and what people want to see of someone. i have learned. and people only 'see' what they want to see. it's a very blind universe - but, i am very hypocritical. neither is any better than the other.

depression. i hate its grasp and its hold of my dark mind. i hate fighting the overwhelming sadness that never ends... i hate, that people dont understand it

si. i hate its easy escape.

suicide. i hate its clarity of choice and acceptance when i focus on it. i hate when the romantic ideation of it, takes over my mind and leaves room for nothing else like these past few days...

30kms of running - should have released me from the prison of myself. today, it didnt work.

today, i gave up.
today, i wished i was fat again.
today, life consumed me instead and i allowed it.
today, i disliked people, very much.
today, i couldnt be what the world needs me to be...
tomorrow. though. is a new day. different activities might create the release...
i hope, just hope, people are friendly.

this world needs to put the brakes on and really take notice of others around them ... its a failing world we are a part of :(
hope floats