none today

feelings this past few days ... i am always tired, lethargic, do i do too much? or is it simply not enough good nutrition for my bodies requirements
have not done anything at the gym since monday :( three days and i feel i am fat and lazy and just a pig, and

depressed/suicidal ideations

i am really so tired of just wanting to die all the time. it takes all my energy and effort to rid the thoughts and i am simply, emotionally, drained.

dramatic? mayhaps. not in my eyes, my mind is tired and i miss my mum since, well, since new years day more than ever - damn me. damn life.

how can i think so dumbly?

how do i fix things

here i am - good me, responsible, working ... but today i am having trouble even thinking, im not really doing very much work, which sure doesnt make me feel better, i hate not being productive too ... but my mind wont stop thinking, and im tired...

i feel so helpless on what to do to rectify everything ... there is nothing i CAN do :/ the year has begun, every bit of wonderfulness i was going to start it with, cant be given back, and, ... well, just nothing i can do, so why try ...

i didnt go to boot camp this morning :(
i dont want my mind anymore - i want to go home to bed, close my eyes, and fall asleep and never wake up
:( :( :(


total calories 1491 - total used up from metabolism and exercise 3198 which leaves a deficit of -1707.

100km trail goal

have decided to do the 100kms trail race in the blue mountains in may 09. a goal.!
will need michelles help to do it. that means ive got to talk. regress. ive regressed. because of new years day!?? f*** me!

havent done enough exercise today, though, did do weights.... so hopefully thats 'ok' .. went to the gym AFTER pump had started, that way i didnt have to have a conversation with kerrin :( - its all still too raw to deal with .... i had such hopes ...

and, after pump and before balance, i went out for a short run, actually, went and did sprints in the park ... so,. between classes there was no chance of bumping into her, then, by the time that had finished , i had left cos i had to get home to get storm to work. i still cant beleive she just simply didnt turn up :( and i still cant believe she hasnt even answered the text and its like, to her, nothing is even wrong :( knowing people, sucks. - better, oh so much better, to just be on my own.

my shoulder is still sore. it cant be from darts cos until this afternoon when i did play some with tobias, i havent played for two days and it is still just as sore. i couldnt do bench press - only did half a set then stopped because it was too sore.

oh, and all that walking and trail running, and i only lost 400grams :/ that sucks. my weight is up 1.8kgs from when michelle last weighed me. how hard it is to know the right and wrong things to do, to eat more, to eat less, exercise more, exercise less. it is DAMN hard.

total calories 1491 - total used up from metabolism and exercise 3198 which leaves a deficit of -1707. not enough calories .. got to get back on track so my body isnt in 'starvation ' mode and michelle says i look 'bloated' when she sees me -- read.  fat!! in other words.

trail running fun

didnt go to combat, ... was worried in case michelle was back from holidays and i dont know what to say to her because i havent spoken for so long .. :/ damn my social lack

went instead for a walk i did up to honeyeater lookout - though quite steep inparts, ran quite a lot of it, but its fun running compared to road ... every step is precarious and its fun avoiding stones and all, the leaves, the wildlife, the sounds, .... so wonderful ...
have decided i love trail walking/running.... made an exercise goal for january - am going to walk (can run some but the goal is simply walking) 400kms throughout january ... as much as possible trail.
now THATS somewhere ive never been.

so thursday 1st january 30kms
friday 2nd january 12kms
saturday 3rd january 10kms - total 52 kms in 3 days.
did around 30 in the previous two days to that though, so just over 80kms in 5 days .... not a bad start, going to be hard once back at work to do large amounts though, but i will figure it all out.

total calories 1701 - total used up from metabolism and exercise 3296 which leaves a deficit of -1595.

breakfast like a king

have had a HUGE breakfast - 462 calories, - added what i would normally have at dinner to see if eating more at days beginning makes a difference of any description - cottage cheese and the onion and garlic added in - its 10.11am, i am feeling SO F***ing FULL! and fat. and want to bring it up, but hey, am writing instead - i wish the feeling would go away though and i didnt have to fight it. it leads to a path of destructive thinking

feelings arent real. feelings arent real. feelings arent real.

new year, same me

the beginning of a new year, everyone makes resolutions ... does it make a difference?

new year thought/change number one. i am going to try and keep a regular record of food and exercise again so i can lose weight - it seems if i keep it recorded, i work better with it all ... ... takes 5 minutes at the end of the day, and journal quickly my thoughts and feelings of the day
the year began so disappointingly yet it had the potential of gold yesterday when i was approaching it ... i was so so SO happy .... ecstatically so ... long long story which takes in things that have happened over the previous months and so is a build up to get me to - yet again, disappointed. :/ i set myself up for it (albeit unknowingly) though. sad huh. hurt. disappointed and hurt, are they two such very different emotions? i have a lot of questions i ask myself.

depression... is an ugly illness ...