so after knowing the past few days i have become such a burden to so many who i know care, today, and unsure how, but i was able to get hold of psyche and she saw me straight away due to a cancellation, .. it was such a relief ... i cant turn anymore to anyone i know. im not sure, people understand that. nor. that they know. but. it is how it is.

storm. has been home. after yesterday telling her i would be at work from 5.30am until 8am, and if she needed to come home and get stuff with out having to run into me, thats the time to come...

she did. :(

then decided to send me a text ....
* mummy i love you so much, i tried to come see u but had no time im going to bias's for a bit, im turning my phone off so im just away from the world, when i turn it back on you'll be the first person i text. im sorry for the way ive been acting and treating you but right now whats best for me is to just get away love you heaps and im sorry xoxo *

for. :/ what the hell am i suppose to say to that . i didn't say anything. ive absolutely no energy inside me to get myself moving let alone try to deal anymore with the past few days ... i can only. switch myself off. from caring. about anything.
had no time? yet. her work shoes sat in the middle of the bench, she has grabbed clothing, so, she HAS been home. ... i think she made a mistake. mummy, i can only come home when  you're NOT around.


sometimes life is just about surviving ... it's about all we have the energy to do ... no thinking. no excess. sometimes. i have such an excess, surviving, is difficult. its where i find myself right now :/

and all i can think about. is being dead. and the peace it will bring :( no more pain. no more hurt. no more, to be punished for ... and i would be, forgiven. because, if people are dead, you care about them right and forgive all the bad things that they did ?....

if only i could go through with it .... what a joy i would give ... to so many.

i can only be sorry, to those, that have the unfortunate role of having to deal with me. i really. am.



"Reading is the sole means by which we slip, involuntarily, often helplessly, into another's skin, another's voice, another's soul." -- Joyce Carol Oates