depression - what to say

a depressed person - ISN'T attention seeking.
a depressed person is in terrible and unceasing emotional pain, and the impossibility of sharing or articulating the pain is itself a component of the pain and a contributing factor in its essential horror.
usually, where we sit in the depths of our self despair, the pit is so deep, the place so dark, we avoid others, specially 'close' others, more than 'seek them out' ... in fact. the deeper the pit, the less likely we are for anyone to discover us at that place - the complete opposite, of 'wanting attention'

life, becomes overwhelming. everyday tasks, impossible. sometimes, continuing to breathe, is the best we can expect from ourselves

this can become very frustrating for friends or family who have never been in that place to understand, a simple 'get over it' or 'snap out of it' appears to be the solution and they can't understand why we simply dont...

same same not different

what a fresh & thoughtful idea!
 a more laid back day yesterday .. travelled up to innisfail, just to say we 'had' theres a reason to travel somewhere! was going to go to the castle thing there & air walk but it was raining so much decided what we would get out of it under the circumstances wasnt worth the cost

we passed a kentucky for the millionth time, i didnt realise they were so rampant, they breed better than rabbits - storm wanted some for lunch - i dont think i have stepped foot inside a kfc in five years! yet it used to be my biggest vice - every single day after work it would be my 'reward' for getting though the stress of work ... yeah, really. it wasnt dinner - it was simply i 'earned' it cos i put up with s*** , dinner still always came later on - how i have grown - ha, or not grown!!

groundhog day

im bringing sexy back! :P
throughout our life, we have but a handful of days that i think we would like to keep repeating ... today, for me, was certainly, a groundhog day! :)
loved EVERY awesome moment of rain, of life, of adventure...
we were making it a technology free day. no phones. no tv. no electricity :) yay!

a sleep in, a lazy breakfast overlooking the beach, a bubble bath - opulent beginning ...

then off we headed to get the water taxi to dunk island - it rained. we watched dunk island disappear in cloud and then it rained more. then more. then more. then, the taxi, spookily appeared out of the mist, and in the rain, they tried to get the mobile dock set up so we could all (well, four of us) hop on board ... not too many heading over today :) given it is midweek, also another reason.

a break - always nice

well, after a couple of very loooong and late nights with the ses helping out at schoolies, storm and i hit the road to mission beach! w00t! bright and early, with a leisurely. girly road trip intended ...
capers get a lot of their fresh produce from bowen so storm wanted to show me all the farms she went to when she went with tim to do a pick up, we take a detour, and come across this sign - no work f*** off do not enter!! haha!  tempted to actually drive in but the hicks probably have a shot gun at the ready for trespassers! :) i guess its nice to know, here in north queensland, we have such friendly folk... haha
but really! what on earth would make someone put such a sign out front of their house...? lost on that for certain.
a sweet little digression also to joumala falls ...

five weeks and smilin'

five weeks to the day of  '10 week plan'. 73.2kgs. loss - 5.4kgs, another one bites the dust! :) but considering i had lost four of those in the first two weeks, egads! BUT still, leaves me with only 4.6kgs to go  ... doesn't sound much, however, the body is certainly holding on tight to every single bit of that!
but whilst i have been mindful of food, i probably havent taken enough care. and maybe even bordering on too much exercise for too little food? which is what - surprisingly - makes me gain weight more than anything else! (i never really understand the concept of how that all works) well, atop of simple old age of course which does it's fair share of contributing to the fat belly. :D trying to get the right balance though for an old fart.

i have spent less time at the gym but doing more running this past week...


the start of a new week is always an unknown entity. start it right and it will take care of itself.

havent drawn a training plan up yet (still!)... but, it IS a priority on the 'to do' list ... problem being, to me, its just a tough 'to do', so it keeps getting shoved to the bottom of the pile and i do a myriad of procrastinating tasks to justify why it isnt done ... then, i just keep going out and training ad hoc. no rhyme. nor reason. nor focus.

however, i started the week....

perfecting how to put a game face on

gameface (n) (idiom) : any facial expression that conceals emotion... there are several different approaches to achieve this state of deceit.
new frame of mindset this morning, - well, trying :)
what people think, is of no consequence - smile. laugh. carry on. what is actually 'real', doesn't matter. how you 'feel'. doesn't matter. deceit.

last week slackened on the whole weight loss thing, i overate, i ate mars bars (courtesy of the ses! so THEIR fault :P) and chocolate honeycomb - and - ice cream! and, i under exercised. did no running bar for a run from capers to home (hoping that may have been at least 500m haha) - i did on sunday though kinda sorta run to the gym if i could have called it that but had to contend with a drunken body sleeping in a gully as i ran past and getting the police's attention as they coincidentally shortly after drove past me, was going to phone them from the gym as i couldnt figure if he was actually breathing or not but was too afraid to poke and see...
the results from such a week? my weight fluctuated every day up a hundred down a couple up etc etc... to which end, i am the same weight yesterday for the weekly result, as last saturday. so, for four weeks, 4.4kg loss.

bul-ly [bool-ee]

1. a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.
2. a person who hurts, ridicules, persecutes, or intimidates weaker people
verb (used with object)
to act the bully toward; make fun of; intimidate; domineer.
to hurt, intimidate, or persecute (a weaker or smaller person)
verb (used without object)
to be loudly arrogant and overbearing.

ive just discovered, though i guess i did know it anyways, adults, can be even bigger 'bullies' than kids ... the line, just more blurred

lest we forget

at the 11th hour
of the 11th day
of the 11th month...
we will remember them.
Lest we forget.

return injury with kindness

someone must risk returning injury with kindness.. or hostility will never turn to goodwill

well. i made a move :/ for better or worse. i hate imposing myself upon others. and not even sure what i do now....
from the beginning ... ? didnt want to go to ses. it's been a very reclusive week. when mark sent us a text about where training was, i sent one back saying i wasnt feeling very people friendly and were we actually doing any 'real' training, so it was necessary i was there, or were we just talking.... he sent me back a text straight away :/ *yeah, i dont feel very people friendly either, i will just stay home too* :(  (and he did!!)
if he only knew what my non people friendly is compared to just sarcasm ..
so. i ended up going.
guilt ridden. (i didnt know he really wasnt gonna show ...)

oprah @ the opera

sunday 7th november 2010 9:51pm
Great news! Your ticket reservation request has been selected for the December 14, 2010, Australia Morning show taping.

well. quite something?
dunno. the person i wanted to go with, cant. and storm is too young, though she would actually love to go and is bummed she isnt allowed! given she is a very mature 17 year old, i guess i can understand how she feels. i doubt oprah is gonna do or say anything that is gonna traumatize this 6months shy of being allowed to go seen it all teen - eeeek! anyone know where we can get her fake ID? hey, its airlie beach, anything is probable!
so dont have anyone to go with - an empty seat beside me! ah well.

week three glee

feeling really free today! its an awesome feeling. well, it came yesterday morning, the world is light and fluffy this weekend :D wish it could stay this way forever

got great news during the week, got my email of acceptance for cradle mt in february, they were taking soooooo long i was worrying my qualifiers werent sufficient for i was one of very few fortunate ones to actually register - it was filled within half an hour so a lot of disappointed folk again!
but im IN!!! wow! so now i really have to get trail running back up to speed, and try and work out the cold and cramp side of things so i dont face the same problems when i do it again ... maybe i can find a fridge to sit in each day in january!! anyone know one large enough to fit me! haha

plus, things are all set for ray for c2k in december, (click on ray james - he's my man! he has an incredible life story... courageous, AND inspiring!) VERY excited about that and crewing and cant believe everything is organised... plane flights, accommodation etc .....

why do we bother?

i have trained hard this past couple weeks, but the past couple days, ive actually been wondering - why.
what does it matter if we exercise or not, be it running, the gym, cycling, swimming ... anything. why do i? why do any of us? there is a whole majority population out there that sit on their backsides, doing nothing. they seem happy.
and you try and tell them what they have to do to 'lose weight', 'become healthier' etc ... and it just hits deaf ears.
15 days, i have lost 4.5kgs now ...
so what!? does it REALLY matter if i weigh 68kgs or if i weigh 120kgs? no. i am still the same person. i still dont fit in with mainstream society, regardless of my physical size. smaller, i take up less space i guess, use less oxygen.
by the government ads standards, i am classed as 'overweight' and a high risk for diabetes ... which is kind of absurd. but, standards are standards. how thin do they want us to be? ....

for, just one person

this entry, just for one person.... who may or may not, ever see/read this ... most likely the latter, but i have no other avenue that i am comfortable with for making contact today in particular, and only you, will have the understanding of that. though im sure you have a busy group of days, who knows, maybe it esp's to you ... the connection that once was...