new year, same me

the beginning of a new year, everyone makes resolutions ... does it make a difference?

new year thought/change number one. i am going to try and keep a regular record of food and exercise again so i can lose weight - it seems if i keep it recorded, i work better with it all ... ... takes 5 minutes at the end of the day, and journal quickly my thoughts and feelings of the day
the year began so disappointingly yet it had the potential of gold yesterday when i was approaching it ... i was so so SO happy .... ecstatically so ... long long story which takes in things that have happened over the previous months and so is a build up to get me to - yet again, disappointed. :/ i set myself up for it (albeit unknowingly) though. sad huh. hurt. disappointed and hurt, are they two such very different emotions? i have a lot of questions i ask myself.

depression... is an ugly illness ...
maybe it is merely a manifestation of depression that made me feel the way i did and personalise the day as *my own fault* ... but from about to bring the new year in with a wonderful joy, i spent it alone. instead. does it really matter why, or how? in a week it wont. ..... the person involved wont even know the sadness she caused me today, she never realised it when they failed on a dinner non-happening a couple months ago, never even acknowledged it, so, this morning, i guess to them, is something that didnt even matter, and, will also, go unacknowledged ....

i did walk nearly 30kms, so the potential was there for an amazing beginning, but, i hate myself. and, i hate myself for the way i have allowed myself to be feeling so useless and sullen because of the events ... yeah

depression... is an ugly illness depression... is an ugly illness depression... is an ugly illness

tomorrow, instead of going to the gym, i am going to sleep in. and, tomorrow afternoon, tobias is going to walk 18kms with me ... amazing kid.

new year thought/change number two. well, since i am supposedly supposed to start seeing the psyche next tuesday re 'ednos' ... heh, wonderful word, i spose ive got to think that this year may be the change of my 'inside' .... im told i overanalyse everything too much, perhaps i do, perhaps i dont, - change the way i view myself, i am 'thin' apparently, not so, dammit
itchiness has been sickening in the top right arm mostly all afternoon - tried numerous times to use the stop itch cream to no avail, and had one pinetarsol bath which didnt do anything. i thought the b12 shot on tuesday helped but seems short lived this time. maybe thats not the problem at all.

along with the jelly beans which boosted the calorie count for the day - oh and the ice cream but at least thats a regular occurrence - total calories 1732 - a VERY GOOD amount of calories.... total from metabolism and exercise 3235 which leaves a deficit of 1503. By all accounts and purposes this SHOULD translate to a loss of around 300 grams for the day - but it never does.

fat content today though was 27%, and my daily allowance is 20% of total calories. no more. i guess this was from having a toasted sandwich, so in the margarine and cheese, so, thats not a regular


Post a Comment