blue mountains bliss

well. a SUPER start to the morning. its gonna be a magnificent week!

didnt get to bed till 2 and was up at 5 - sooooooo tired but made my tail get out of bed and went and did xfit at the gym - man oh man, i have not so wanted to throw up like that in the longest time, it was tough. :D yay! awesome workout. felt so alive afterwards and so awake. today was the first so, hopefully some others join in and it has some longevity cos i would like to keep challenging myself with it
jan took video of us all which i wasnt even aware of  ... thought it was just happy snaps which i am already bothered by because im not so sure i need to see my body twisted or moving into grotesque shapes and positions! ...  *view*

awaiting the day ...

…and the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom…
Anais Nin.
time to blossom...

missing a vital element

don't dwell on who let you down, cherish those who hold you up!
lost my trainer.
now, therapy ma'am announces, she is leaving. 8 october. :( double whammy. who leaves next? arent things in threes?...
if its someone else with influence in my life, im about done for...
my wall, which i have allowed to be slowly broken down bit by bit over the past couple years, is going back up, mighty fast, and stainless steel this time! NEVER let people *in*.... never let them be close... lessons i learned so very long ago, but i momentarily lost sight of ...
i won't, again.
*people.* :( not sure there is any who 'holds me up' so, guess, i dont have to 'cherish' anyone ....

its been a very haphazard couple of weeks training, but, - good ones nonetheless ... im not good without it actually planned and written out where i basically tick the boxes as i go along ... but, i guess its something i need to get used to, and make it happen as best i can ...

helicopter h(ell)uva day

the whitsunday great walk ... race! didnt run it, but headed in as part of the ses to help out - placed at bloodwood checkpoint with sue and ben, lovely company
boy oh boy was i petrified at the thought of heading onto the helicopter though. we had to meet at the airport at 6.30am, andrew was picking me up and he was late, two ses carloads went past while i waited out front of my place for him, each stopping, but i said i would wait ... when he got here, he said they cant leave without us :)

at the airport, was a waiting game anyways, as we went through briefing and sorting where everyone was to go etc... there were three lots of us going in on the helicopter to various points, the others either at the race beginning/end etc, me ben and sue, were the second 'helicopter' group.
while i was actually excited to see where i train from the air, it would have been MUCH cooler had i been able to run into it ... all i could keep thinking was its only 8k from the airlie beach end, i would arrive in there before them if i had started when we headed to the airport anyways! :D

when the helicopter took the first group off, my heart - !! woah was it ever beating fast ... i just remember everyone saying to me how cool it was going to be and i would love it - then talking crashes!! ha, and thinking, 'just breathe, just breathe' :)

glasshouse amazement

"how is everything going?"
"well, ive got bad news and ive got good news. i'll give you the bad news first: we're lost"

"we're lost? And what's the good news?

"we're making VERY good time!"

an amazing weekend, i could not feel more happy, or high, than i am right now ...

pre race 'le tour' - friday september 10
a long overnight drive down to the sunshine coast through thursday night saw me arrive right on quarter after ten to meet for the pre race tour ... everyone was being placed in cars ready to drive to a few checkpoints and check out once again some of the places we will be running ... given my lack of directional prowess and my enormous ability to end up lost even on my regular trails! an important time for me to take in as much as i possibly could!! placed in a car with david who knows every nook and cranny of the area a blessing, and andrew, paul and glen!

unfortunately, rain, cut us short. but quickened our speed to the pub for lunch and a drink :) on the way david kept trying to assure me that despite the rain - the mud and wet would dry up by the morning, - while the rain pelted down on us and the cars couldnt get through?!! ha! uh huh

the excitement begins

well, my bags are packed, im ready to go (im standing here outside your door i hate to wake you up to say gooood bye ... LOVE that song, though its sad)
ha! i have checked rechecked, rechecked, and then rechecked oh, and rechecked again - my back pack and my checkpoint bags .... now, its just a waiting game to hear back from hamilton island, send a job to the printers, then im ready to head!

tranquility arrives

today, i awoke, with a real peace about me ... like, there is no emotion involved. and its such a gentle, and beautiful feeling. i dont feel happy, i dont feel sad. i dont feel empty. i dont feel angry. i dont feel negative. i dont feel positive.
i just feel. me.

relaxed. and at peace.

nothing matters, except for me. and im about to leave, and escape life, and escape people, and run.
just simply, run.
that's all i have to do. and i have worked months for this weekend. i deserve it to be a grand weekend.
and i can use all the emotion that will come between now, then, and especially while there and feeling alone, to run, the very best i ever have. and the only person, who i need to be proud of me. is me.

thats all that matters.

im strong. im determined. im independent. and, im gonna fly this weekend...

\o/ care

saturday 4 september 2010. around 8.30am. the most AMAZING moment of my life.
i did ONE GOOD thing in my life - i helped save a life
tuesday 7 september 2010. around 11.30am. yet another disappointing moment of my life.
i am not wanted, once again... and tossed on the too hard pile, by the one, i REALLY thought would never give up ... - bad luck i am human :/ *on your side forever* - forever doesnt last very long ...

up, then down. always... i was SO happy saturday morning ...

today, there was no opportunity to explain really, for, i never had the words. certainly not the right ones. but nor, was it my choice. i understand people need to protect themselves from me. it was unexpected, yet, not unexpected.

i have cried so much the past few days, there are no tears anymore. i have just spent the afternoon in bed, laying there, numb. trying to think of all that was said... replay rejection.
life is too hard. i dont have answers. but yet no tears would come.

when will someone understand us? us? - US? when will i get to meet someone like me ....? i cant be the only one who feels like i do, or is as horrible a person as me to others ... i do NOT like, that i am not nice ...

i have no energy to work.
i have no energy to exercise.
i have no energy to eat.
i have no energy to think.
i struggle to breathe.

but the one that frightens me the most.
i have no energy to care. :(

i want something, to make me care.

"i wanted to tell someone today what i did
share there was goodness in me
but then i remembered
there was noone to listen" ........................... me. 04/09/10

a depressed mind

i am pushing people away :/ i SO dont want to, i cant think, there is one person that likes me at the moment ... but i cant stop it... all im doing is arguing with people, saying horrible things and pretty much telling them to f*** off or to leave me alone. and they are
i dont *really* want that.
but its done. and i cant change the damage i have created. i am nasty.

... i really just hate me. exactly like everyone else.


and now ... the afternoon, everything changed again ... and i was SO happy, and just wanted to share that happiness with someone .... god i am just friggin stupid for attempting to, and asking

please god i dont know why i asked... desperation for a human that i care about, to share the best thing i have ever done in my life .... ? \o/ the ONE good thing
i dont expect it to negate the bad i have done ... but i hope, it helped a little ... oh i so wanted to tell someone i AM a good person when i can actually see it for the first time,,, .... just a half an hour of theirs ... - i dont know what i was thinking to imagine they would say yes... but im sick to my stomach that i asked, and i hope one day they forgive me for doing so.... i was wrong.
but please somehow make everything be ok - i hate that people have to know me.... they didnt ask for that intrusion or that burden upon their lives .... :( please help give me strength to get out -

i think, my finger slipped off, the bottom rung :(

miracle at airlie beach

i hope. something happens. that brings me to life again. <- OMG it happened.... today, we saved a life. that. is a miracle. a miraculous story. the guy was missing in the scrub for five days! our team, david, ben and myself were the ones who were in the zone where he was so came across him - david thought he was dead, but then his fingers moved ... and he and i sat with him, till others came to help us get him out, the terrain, overgrown, we had already been fighting it while searching, and had to get the floodboat and many people, through the overgrowth  ....
probably - the most miraculous day of my life. the things that happened. the things we witnessed. the things we did. the smells .... none of today, will ever be forgotten. really, a miracle.

everyone deserves to live, no matter who they are. even him. i hope. in time. he sees that. and it changes his life. i hope. he can smile again. *blessings*

it woke me up.

seven days

i would have to say, it hasnt been my grandest week in a long while ...

7 days, till glasshouse. this evening, even though ive been backwards and forwards for so long .. i decided, finally, to only do the 100km and emailed ian. i feel very disappointed with myself. i know i am capable. i am fit. i have run more kilometres this past few weeks i think than for any other race i have ever done. i've been pleased on the most part of the running i have been doing. the quality of it. the fun of it. in fact, its the one thing ive been pretty sure of myself about. my training. has been good.