suicide is a
permanent solution to a
temporary problem ...

if sharing my highs and my lows helps one other person know, they are not alone with their thoughts and helplessness, then, it is worth it. it surprises me continually, with the amount spent to promote the understanding of mental illness on tv and in newspapers/magazines, to 'watch out for others', 'if you know someone who suffers depression, help them', 'be there for them', 'watch out for signs', 'that its statistically high, 1 in 4 suffer' etc - depression, is still NOT acceptable in society... people, don't understand still ... and we are stigmatised

we used to live in a society where everyone used to look out for each other, where neighbourhoods and communities made sure everyone else was ok, but those days are long gone.
it is a fast paced, self driven society we have now, tasks are endless, people are always too busy for others, life is governed by selfishness and greed .... which creates - a LOT of lonely people out there, feeling anxious, helpless and unable to cope as they are expected to... 'we hide' - because we dont live up to what society expects us to be ...

maybe one day this may help someone else, they will know, that yes, my appearance, is false. i'm not what you think i am. people perceive me, as amazing. im far from that. but giving the appearance in the world of that which im not, doesnt make me bad. it makes me, robotic. exactly, what society wants. because we all have to conform to 'fit in'.

this masking, is part and parcel of spiralling further out of control when i am at my worst ... for it's very tough to do and takes every ounce of energy - superfluous energy, i dont have 

some days (some minutes) - i cope better than others. i can smile more genuinely. i can hold a conversation. i can even achieve seemingly, a greatness.
others. i simply cant. i have a brick wall up and noone can get through the barrier. im fearful of people. im trapped and in chains. my mind so full of nonsense information, irrational thoughts, snippets of nothingness - it errs on the side of imploding. the pain in every part of my body can become unbearable. my heart, really hurts. i imagine how much better off everyone would be, if i were 'not to exist', i want to cut myself, to take the pain away, and often, i do.... i disassociate for the most part.

it is VERY REAL. those feelings, take over. and there is no room for 'get over it' 'cheer up things could be worse'  'smile, it may not happen!' 'there is worse out there' - and i avoid everyone.
i try to function. i try to go through the motions. sometimes, i can. it doesnt change the thoughts i am having though. just makes things REALLY tough, my mind is full of suicidal ideation, while my exterior is smiling at others as they want me to ...
im not ashamed of that which is me. (i used to be. i am NOT anymore) i am more ashamed of myself when i try to play the role the world expects and it isnt coming naturally... and i have to pretend i am ok, that life, is ok.
'are you ok?'
'who... me?'
'yes annabelle ... of course you'
'yeah.... im ok .... thanks.'

*oh no, i forgot to look happy*
if you feel false too, like, too often you have to put a mask on to face the outside world, its ok. we aren't alone (apparently) .... and we should know that sometimes. and we should know, that it IS ok to feel like that.
even, or perhaps, especially, to those that dont understand us .... unless they have felt it themselves, unless they have sat in silence crying because nothing makes sense in the jumble of the mind, unless they hurt so bad inside they feel like they are going to implode, unless they have to fight off the strong feeling that we fight that wants us to die, trying to defeat it, unless they sit fearful in their home, alone on the lounge floor, or curled in a ball on their bed in the middle of the day, or trembling in their car, unable to face other people, - they cant. and thats ok too. WE, have to understand them.

sometimes, we are lucky enough to know someone, who will try though, to understand. and who can deal with the numerous mood swings, the continual push aways/pull back/push away/pull back's... they will ignore the irrational comments and the apparent apathy we display and,  - they will keep coming back, despite we don't deserve them. find one? bless them, they are in a difficult position. but they are GOLD!
and hope like hell, they dont give up, ... but be understanding, when they do. for they will. they ALWAYS do, eventually it all gets too much for them too.

while ive had a handful come close over the years... im still yet to find one that doesnt remove themselves from my life ... most, promise, they will never give up, they will be by my side, 'forever'. i never believe the words anymore, from anyone. i have heard them too often.
but, i DO understand when, and why, they give up on me and any relationship we may have. i understand their need to protect themselves. i am VERY hard work to know.
but all it does, is make me withdraw from everyone, even more... and close off letting people see, the real 'me'
but yet, i still pray, one day, for someone to understand ... and to stick by till the end .... \o/

suicide is not chosen; it happens when
pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.

below, in red, is the things i can associate with (from the depression website) ... in green - are my words

*helping those with depression*
The following extract, written by an apparently normal glamorous and successful woman illustrates the reality that we cannot know what goes on in the minds of other people.
The main symptom for me, is a feeling of sadness, deep inside. It is a lost, very negative feeling, almost of quiet desperation. Overlaying that is a heavy feeling of apathy, accompanied by a feeling of lethargy. It doesn’t matter.
I lose interest in everything in the outside world. Certainly I have no appetite, no desire to cook, or eat anything put in front of me. I cannot read, sometimes at all. I’m not even interested in TV.
Fear. I fear life more than death. Death is my friend, my refuge. The external sleep from which I will never have to face the despair, the disappointment of another day. When will peace finally come for me?
The sad thing is not being able to be understood because this is something that others can’t see. I am watching a movie of me. Life is not reality. I see others living in reality – how I envy them – how unobtainable this seems. In a room full of people I feel so alone. I want to stop the merry-go-round so that I can get off.
I plan in detail my life’s end by night, then by day I wake with the fear of my thoughts. The hurt and anguish that I would cause those who I cherish keeps me existing in this hell. I just can’t wait to grow old so that nature will end all this torment for me – you see I also fear death. I’m a coward.


the only thing i would add, a lot of times, i can't even listen to music or watch tv as a distraction - noises - they take over my brain and consume it - it is way too much effort, i cannot read a book, i cannot think ...
i sit, most of the time, in silence, just simply waiting for time to pass .... i cannot write, certainly, nothing *nice* ... my mind has no room for anything extra. no thinking room. no expressing room. it is crammed full of the most useless stuff - information of hatred, i hate, people hate .... that to try and add anything in even for distraction, is too overwhelming.
i certainly plan in detail my death. its the only thing that gets me through, because, it gives me an option to become happy about - freeing, everyone i know, from having to know me, having to deal with me ... often, the only solution i can come up with - for me. or for anyone unfortunate enough to know me.

WHY CAN’T THEY SNAP OUT OF IT?   (or, in my case what i am mostly told *get over it*)

ANSWER: Because you can snap out of being a bit unhappy or a bit down, but you cannot snap out of illness, either physical or emotional.

If your leg is broken, your body cannot function properly. If the chemistry controlling your emotions is broken, as it is in depressive illness, the affected person cannot function properly. Nobody wants to be sick and unable to function or enjoy life.
In many ways, depression is like diabetes. When the illness is in its early stages, or is very mild, the individual’s own efforts and health precautions can wipe out most or sometimes all of the symptoms. However, when the illness becomes more severe, no amount of individual effort can compensate for the chemical imbalances that are going on inside the body and the mind. Individual efforts at this stage can be helpful, but nearly every person who is pretty sick finds they just cannot any longer make the efforts required.
It is very strange to look at someone who tells you they have depression, and try to understand that they are very sick and are suffering very badly, and indeed in some cases may die from the illness. However, internal emotional pain is with the person continuously, no matter how they look on the outside. Winston Churchill, the Prime Minister who led England through WWII, described his own depression as “a black dog that follows me everywhere”.
Most people with depression try very hard to appear normal in public, but find it too much effort to keep up the same big act 24 hours a day. Psychiatrists often describe people struggling on and trying to hide their symptoms in public situations as “the walking wounded”.
Because you know the person well, you however will realise they are not their normal selves.
It may put the issue into perspective when you hear that many patients who have had severe physical illness, including heart attacks, kidney stones, or cancer, state that depression causes worse suffering.

Describing depression

( )

What is Depression, the illness?

It is not madness. It is a temporary breakdown in the balance of chemicals in your brain, as a result of stress. These chemicals (known as neurotransmitters) allow us to experience happiness, enjoy various aspects of our life, think clearly, and have the motivation and energy to carry out our normal activities in life.

Depression is like a heart attack. After a period of stress build-up, part of your functioning collapses, causing you great pain, difficulty functioning, and in some cases putting your life at risk.

When depression takes a grip on you, you slowly lose these abilities and become more sad and anxious. Your mind and your body become slowed up, like being slowly PARALYSED. In many ways, depression is like having a BROKEN BONE. It is painful. It makes every daily task much harder. depression can lead to permanent pain and permanent problems if it is not cured properly. In fact, the chances of any one of us suffering depressive illness at some time in our life are much higher than the chances of breaking a bone! Many people suffering from depressive illness state they would far prefer to have broken a bone. Broken bones are easier to understand than this creeping sickness. People with broken bones get sympathy and help from family and friends without question. Those with depressive illness seem okay on the outside, so help is not automatically given by others who are more likely instead to complain you are not the person you used to be, or not doing the things you used to do. It is not easy being “THE WALKING WOUNDED”, carrying unrecognized internal injuries from the battles of everyday life.

Depressive illness in many ways is like a COMPUTER VIRUS, which secretly takes over your brain, telling you that everything is too hard, too sad, too meaningless, and too much effort anyway. This information, sent from your brain, seems as real as ever, but is totally distorted in fact.

Depression is like a FILTER that descends over your brain, keeping out all the positives of life. Only negatives from the present (and from the past also) are allowed space in your mind, and all negatives are greatly magnified.
Suffering depressive illness is like WEARING GLASSES.
It takes a lot of trust in your family, friends and doctors to believe the world has not become a dark and frightening place, but that your glasses have become very black and distorted, due to your illness. It also takes a lot of trust to believe the medical reality that nearly every depressive illness can be cured!
At its worst, depression is like being taken over by a life-threatening alien. You become very different to your normal self, those around you may comment on the difference in you, and the alien tries to kill you by telling you lies and pushing you towards suicide.

and below ...
The symptoms that help a doctor identify depression include:
constant feelings of sadness, irritability, or tension
decreased interest or pleasure in usual activities or hobbies
loss of energy, feeling tired despite lack of activity
a change in appetite, with significant weight loss or weight gain
a change in sleeping patterns, such as difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much
restlessness or feeling slowed down
decreased ability to make decisions or concentrate
feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or guilt
thoughts of suicide or death
i tick every one :/   if you do too, PLEASE see someone. dont get to my stage. dont let it get to where you destroy your friendships and connections with people ... for, it hurts. :( oh it really hurts. i am very hateful.   <- important site, crazy as it may seem .. a link that many a time, has kept me alive ...
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds  resources for coping with pain.”       <- overview of suicide in australia    <- "what you can do to help someone who is suicidal?"


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