the decision

although its been lurking in the background of my mind, and driving many crazy with my indecision to be able to do so adequately to satisfy them, last night, i made *the decision*

and it came so easily, - with the slamming of a friendship into nothingness, yet, lost so long ago, but hung onto like some clawed out mountainside waiting to avalanche... a sad way to end, and an unnecessary way, but i guess the other person involved saw no other answer ... just a wham bam thank you ma'am for the pleasure while you gave it but im bored with you now, friendship, slowly dissolving, boom, gone.

so, i now, pack myself and storm up, somehow, as quickly as possible and make the bold move away from everything as we have known it to be for the past five years and adventure out into that world of the unknown, full of excitement, nervousness

heh, i still cant believe, five short days ago i came back just so wanting to stay here where i am, just to sort things out, make things *right* and ... wanting what i had such a short and simple 12 months ago, a content and safe and quiet lifestyle which was interrupted only for anothers animalistic pleasure ... - and to think at times i came so close to loving them, and even thought i may have and felt confused about it and would pull myself away, maybe there IS something to womens intuition after all ...

how trapped and stifled, claustrophobic, ive been feeling in this short few days after arriving home, after spending already 8 weeks in the tropical paradise we are now going to head to ... why on earth did i even have hesitancy and want to be back here?? cos its a comfort zone?? .... yet, its not,
... did i really think i can make everything the way it was before in a few short days ...
- so really, they did me a favour, slamming our friendship and all we have been for the past 12 months into the ground like it all meant nothing - not even giving us a chance to talk about things, i, of course, still wish they had given us a chance to talk it out, given me the opportunity to just get some normalcy back into the friendship, for this isn't how i want to leave again, because now, nothing will ever be mended at all and he will remain angry at me forever, and at others because of it ... and one thing i have discovered in my too long a life, is life IS short, and ALL friendships are important, but, seems not to some ...

so, overnight, a restless, sleepless night, ive become a spur of the moment frivo and used my indecisive and frustrating human elements, and ive done what noone ever expects of me, i HAVE MADE A DECISION - hear it everyone??!, hear it adam!?? you said *make a decision and take control and just do it* - so, good advice i spose, though not what i would have done and not what i was going to do, but, here it is
im making the bold move towards a happier and friendlier newness ... whether i can afford it or ot has become irrelevant, and i guess the old credit card has been cleared for a reason ...

the road less travelled, its always a wonderful option :))
thank you adam.

just some advice for you though, ive done the barrier thing, for oh so many years, it doesnt create a very peaceful life ... break it down hey ...