day one to getting better

this picture is titled. ann runs. yet, i dont. such an oxymoron. but. one day, i will again!

today the doctor is letting me go to 'top my engine up' w00t w00t! so. the explanation.

yesterday, i was starting to get a little concerned at my lack of improvement. ok, concerned? or frustrated? maybe they overlap. i was tired of the pain, though i was dealing with that, it was worsening, but that may just be a mind/brain thing, and i wasnt strong enough, perhaps i had simply reached the end of tolerance .... and, gave up.
the actual worse thing that can happen is i do black out. when that happens, i need to be laying. then my body will take over and restore itself to normal and i will be - good :)

boy. does ANY of that make sense? i doubt it. cos its all seemingly so opposite to what one would do if unwell. specially, how i have been feeling... specially, even, this from morn, till the afternoon. but well. im back. may i be THAT positive. overall. the project, was a success. yes. i did try pretty hard tonight. it may not have shown. i felt giddy. yes. there are moments i wasnt sure i could or should keep going. when i did, i punched harder, i lifted my knees higher. i tried to stay jumping. it - worked ! it, went past the dizzy feel, many times.
man. but the dr was right.
what a learning.

i felt at my worst driving home. would have been good if i could twitch my nose or something and magically be there.
and, i have felt pained tonight, but , mostly, cos of .........

the part we didnt address - of course - the tender belly. ok. hard exercise, is not the best thing for that. specially when we cant really tell what exactly is going on inside. but, i took that upon myself. noone was likely to kick me in the stomach, were they? so, no problem. combat, was better than running a hill. if i had run. on my own. i simply would have stopped.

plus, i certainly felt MUCH better, than i did doing balance last night. i will try balance again in the morning. the thought, of laying on my belly even sends shivers through me. actually, i had chiyoko tomorrow morn, i had to cancel that, i thought it would be an ideal time for a massage (when pre op) but there is no way i could lay for one ... oooh my belly is sore!

man. i am happy.

i was tired of the tender belly, it seems to get into the way of everything i was doing, but, i was tired mostly of the 'spinning' brain, i am yet to think of apt words to describe exactly how it feels. i took, for the first time since the operation, some pain killers, to try to ease the pain so i could sleep - there was no position i could lay in and find myself comfortable, possibly the worst night since the op, but, probably, in the end, the longest sleep i have had in one dose since ...

so, i dont see the specialist till 23rd june. figured thats VERY far away. if all i am feeling, is norm, then deal with it i shall, but, what if by ignoring it all, i really am becoming worse, and there is something i could, or should be doing to improve - faster, - i know it certainly couldnt be 'sleep more' as i sleep like a bear through winter. ok. maybe not. ive been living off nanny naps, then cos i have so many of them, night consists of nanny naps too. anyways. so. phone doctor. just to get his assurance, " hey, its only been 9 days, all you feel is 'normal' so dont panic and make it worse " too late to see him so have appt, which was, this morning.

see doctor. my problem, is twofold. my blood. my heart. if i wasnt supposedly 'fit' (ha i dont even see myself as that when i am well. harder to see that since i am very UNFIT atm) then it would all be more simplified. - apparently.
anemia. without a doubt. haemaglobin should be 115-140. im at 81, down to 79, up to 81. a little low. heart, is slow. (thats a HUGE positive though) blood pressure. low. (ditto) because of low blood pressure (we, not just me, we are prone to all manner of ills) once again. apparently. the two, collide. the heart, with not enough red blood cells, is simply struggling to get oxygen. tries to steal it from anywhere else it can, including the brain. i get dizzy. i get shaky. i sweat. he explained well. i dont. egads! end result. to have an ecg. and to have blood pressure, laying down, immediately stand, taken again. (wow, the difference surprising) and, more blood tests. they should rig me up to a pipeline.

so, i have the ecg. well, having one of them sure makes you very humbling eh. laying there all naked while they wire you up. my heart raced, even before it started. try to make polite conversation to pretend im not laying in all my glory. yuk.
taken. blood pressure cuff put on. taken. immediately stand straight up, quick as a wink, boom. taken again, wow. woozy. guess thats what they wanted. results.
heart. very slow. heart. strong!! perfect.
blood pressure. low. pulse. slow.
stand up. not even seconds separated the two. blood pressure. average. pulse. racing!!
new prognosis as opposed to before the tests. same problem. dr isnt disputing. but the definitive is. it is definitely my blood. my heart, though the beats waaay too far apart, is perfect.
so. he sends me upstairs for the bloods. i get to the top, hand the nurse my forms, she says she wont be a moment
i feel faint, i need to hang on to something. i race, instead downstairs to the dr, his door still open. i race in. i tell him. this is it. its happening. - YAY - rarely ,. for whatever we go to a dr for, does it happen while we are actually AT the drs! my heart, is pounding, i can feel it beating hard and fast through my hand -trying to hold it to ease it and put some calm in while trying to stay standing upright. my brain is going, everything is out of focus.
dr takes my wrist. pulse. slow. tells me no, its slow still.
i say no it isnt. my heart. its fast.
he gets his stethoscope. its fast :) omg. it doesnt answer things, it cant actually be like that. one must equal the other, it isnt.
second new prognosis. definitely, the blood - but. different strategy. :) my heart, is resistant to adrenalin. he tried to explain to me lining up for a race, racing, and what happens to the average person. he tries to explain what happens to me. if i were a car! (he says i am haemodynamically - a teenager. hows that for a word. is it even real? i like its sound :) but, i asked him to explain, for i had no idea what it means. i am '47 - with a teenagers organs'. thats. fitness. wow. now, i think he exaggerates, using teen, but, i kind of got his drift.)
so ,. the analogy. a car, designed for racing, struggles at idling. if it has to stop at traffic lights, it borders on conking out. (he used his car) - but get it going and racing along, it drives like a dream. my heart - is using bad oil, struggling at idling
- he thinks and wonders, if we get it past idle stage, it will drive - he actually THINKS. stands there hmmm'ing. he says, what we have to do. what you have to do. is run! not walk! go out there and run a hill! i said what do you mean. he said, my heart is struggling with the bad oil when im idling, if i can push past that, where it forgets, it will work fine :) he explained MUCH better, but it actually made sense. however. and of course there is a however. i may finish that dream drive, and die. not literally. the worse that will happen, is, i of course, faint. but now i know the feeling of that, when i get 'to the top of the hill' - i may need to stop and lay down. and lay quickly. the unknown , is what happens on the stop :D he said "its the price you pay for a heart that is running at optimum"
so. blood tests. i go back upstairs. heart which had calmed and i felt ok by then, raced, yet again. i was actually scared of the blood tests. but thats only cos of the last bad experience. had the tests. results will be back in 2-3 days. we normally get them back quick though. dr, will phone if not ok. he said, expect it. for we know they will definitely not be good. but, when we get them back, then, i shall go run - so. my reckoning was just, well, the results are back in a couple days, we already know what they will say, so why not drive the engine straight away at peak power, and see what happens :) cos if i wait till friday and he says yep lets try it, well, what chance have i got, im certainly NOT going to do a saturday morning combat with someone who knows nothing about me. so i decide, tonights the night! :D

this was/is the first aid. if anything happens. any stage over the next handful of weeks. any time i feel first signs of the dizziness. i push myself harder. i have to get everything past the knowing.
i push harder and it goes past feeling bad, i simply keep going.
however, if i push harder - and it worsens - i am to stop.
if necessary, lay down. at the very worst. sit. NOT stand. what i did last night after balance was apparently the worst thing to do, hence why i went white supposedly.


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