perfunctory. nice word.


thats the amount of people in the world.
take away me. take away my children.
thats leaves 7,039,761,521 humans ... yet i feel so alone...
that's seven billion, thirty-nine million, seven hundred and sixty one thousand, five hundred and twenty one people, i have no attachment with.
not a single one, of that number, who would choose to spend time with me ....
thats says quite something about the person i am ....

three hours sleep. a demon night. 5.30am. run to the gym. best run ever, time wise.
11 minutes, 41 seconds. not a huge achievement compared to other runners, but, for me - i am pleased. i have wanted to push myself under 12 minutes for a long time ... i want to tell someone. but even if i had been given that opportunity, its not even very important to tell anyways. time wasting. most of what i speak is.

bike class. perfunctory.

mournful monday

"of course you are allowed someone but not just anyone"

the words reverberate.. they feel so very hurtful...
the world is closing in around me and i seem to be having fewer days for relief in
between the dark ones ... :/

today, i went to *******

i had little to express. no words. as normal, i was asked to write.
i had to write *what do 'i' want for me*
i could not think of anything i wanted. but then, i did.
i wrote, and wrote.

but it was my first sentence apparently got their attention and focus

what do i want? for me? the only thing i could think of - that is speaking the truth ...
i want to go sleep and never wake up, and i want, for everyone
who knows me, to be ok with that ... and be accepting

rut roh! WRONG answer!!!

conversation with friend

him: how are you doing?
        me: hangin
        me: 2 weeks till my next race
        me: trying to be everything other people want me to be
him: ah, hard to be that and you at the same time
        me: uh huh
        me: i arent very 'me' at all
him: that could become 'you' if you're not careful

simple. concise. correct.


i want to go to the supermarket

i want to buy some chocolate. any chocolate.

i want someone to see me. someone i know. preferably someone, who knows me well, not just by sight.

i want them to say 'hey ann, what the hell are you doing?!"

and i want to look them in the eye, and answer, "i'm buying chocolate"

yes - just like living in paradise

i started the day grandly with a run at shute harbour. i went to do the stairs, did them once, then a km run - did it ten times. hard work, but MUCH easier than the 5 stairs 3km run combo ....

then home for brekky, and to begin
a most awesome day
with a most awesome daughter
in paradise.

the weather couldn't have been more perfect.

walking, swimming and snorkelling on the great barrier reef

walked down to the marina ready to leave ... we know the owner so if ever they have spare seats and the boat is going out, we are allowed to head out, for free ... havent done it in a couple of years though... so when we got there, the guy (shannon) was looking up our names, then saw beside them FOC - ooooh he said, you must be friends of the owner? yes i said, OH - you are spies!!! we were treated royally for the day :)

successful run

completed :)
54kms, done and dusted!

REALLY pleased with how i went and how i felt doing it, and feeling ready... a little sore right now though :) (this too shall pass!!)
went past a friends after, was hoping to head out on their charter tomorrow and do some snorkelling on the barrier reef (awesome recovery!?! but also storm asked friday night if we could) jumped in their pool while there, her suggestion, and man that felt GREAT on the legs!! have stretched. done all i can :) now. its just a relaxing eve - me and the election coverage (ugh!) oh, and BED!! storm at a friends tonight so going to try and sleep early so i dont worry so much :)

great training week

a good week, training wise. yayayay! feeling great. total running - 110kms. well, that will include tomorrow as well. so, only 56kms so far!

sunday 15 august: rest day.
run to gym • pump • balance • run home
pm coral beach - walk - 4km
ok, that wasnt quite a 'rest' day .. but the afternoon, already written of, relaxing, which makes it ............ simply, restful. :) bliss.

hi, hi, hi, beautiful su-unday

spider webs every where, the air thick with butterflies, the sky solid blue with narry a cloud .. life, in winter, really couldnt be better could it!
a glorious day!
ran to the gym, did pump and balance, did the 40/40 on the trx, only one extra push up to friday, no extra on the pull ups - man they are TOUGH! soooo 15/21 - ran home ... nice start., it is 'rest day' :)

crocodiles with leery smiles

a couple of good runs today ... when it all come down to it, thats what ive got to be concentrating on right now... only 4 weeks till glasshouse 100m

ran out at kingfisher in the morn, coral beach in the afternoon. croc sightings so the warning signs were out, made me a bit on edge, the place was dry as a bone though ... my mind went everywhere when i realised i actually knew little about crocs and where they lived or what they could do ...

morning conversation with storm when i headed out and she was going to be at work before i got home ....

"running at coral this afternoon, when i ran out at shute harbour thursday and ran past the entrance, the croc signs were out, can humans outrun crocs?"
"mummy, what do YOU think?!"

trx with jan

tough workout - first time on the trx

friday the 13th, to boot!

the culmination of a few weeks of awkwardness and misunderstanding ... but now, its done.

and i enjoyed it. :/ very much.
i shouldnt have to feel bad, or guilty, for that...
should i?

the feeling of 'alive'

goodness gracious about time
training - MUCH more successful - i feel like breath has come back into me, and, with only 4 weeks until glasshouse, it is time to really up the ante, i cant afford anymore downers between now and then

after an internalised hissy fit tuesday morning where my body fought with the bed, obnoxiously refusing to run and go to bike, a very unusual happening regardless of how i 'feel', and a day of bleh at myself and life, tuesday evening, it started to turn around ... i went and did balance before heading to ses
ses - w00t w00t! after 11 months of being in it, all the training, the cyclone work, the s& r for the drowned guy at bowen, all in second hand gear - i have FINALLY got *MY* own uniform :) yayayay - a big huge plastic santa claus bag of orange, no more hand me downs for me! - overalls and a two piece and t-shirts and wet weather gear and helmet and cap and glasses and gloves and .......................... no boots still. darn :) well, at least i will look 'brand new' ankles upwards, and thats a large percentage of body coverage eh!

the battle

One evening a Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside of us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

the pit

my body is not feeling very normal today

my energy levels are at an all time low

i keep getting shaky, really piss weak i cant lift a muscle shaky ... hopefully, just the aftermath of the sugar rush junk food i fed it ...

hypocritical oxymoron that i am

i am down in the pit again, im not even sure exactly what that means, its a term kerrin or michelle use, 'youre in the pit' 'get out of the pit' ... that they learnt at a fitness seminar i think (?) ...
fits, when i am in the doldrums, (mayhaps?)
i kind of get it. im in a hole. a deep deep hole - no way to escape. and kerrin will yell at me to get myself on the 'friggin first rung' of the ladder ...
how do i EVER explain, to anyone, its that first rung, i can never find ....

2am wonderment

These spiritual window-shoppers,
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking.
They handle a hundred items and put them down, shadows with no capital.

What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping.
But these walk into a shop,
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment, in that shop.

tough afternoon

left pump, after one track, warm up. im really screwed up ... not that anyone cared about it or was in any wonderment as to the reasons why i left \o/
not even my trainer ... THAT, actually, says a lot .... :((

sometimes surviving... is the only living i can do

the best laid plans

oftenatime, i forget what i enjoy.

today, i was reminded of it.

things werent quite to plan, but got a great run in despite of.

slept in, but didnt get to bed till 1, woke, and it was NINE O CLOCK!!!
oh well, change plans but they werent concrete, in fact, i hadnt really known how to pull off what i had to do anyways ...
was spose to do the great walk, starting at brandy creek obviously across to airlie ... but the one person i feel comfortable enough to ask to give me a lift to the beginning of it ... so i can just run it once across from brandy creek end, is, not in my life anymore. well. told him to leave me alone. that was 12 days ago. so far, that has now worked, though in the past it hasnt. so to ring him up, and ask for a lift, moreso, knowing he most likely would, is very wrong of me...

therefore, stranded.

the person you now, are

and hansel said to gretel, " let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things"

this year i lost my way, and losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.

the best daughter in the world

my day, wasnt very flash - the morning, a shocker
storm got stuck into me about how rude i was, to michelle, to the people on the road, in the supermarket ... while still at the gym she said to me when we get home, i am going to bed to SLEEP (this is at 11.30am, bless her cotton socks) and she is closing the door and i aint coming out till bedtime ! ha
but, michelle had said i was flat too. i was different from tuesday morning ???? well, she has been away for a week and just got back, we spoke before bike tuesday morning very briefly - simply polite conversation, not informational - i havent seen her since then until our training session this morning, we did weights, its not really a im at the circus watching the clowns laughing time .. and - ive changed? i arent really sure how she figured that out from so little to go by .... \o/

i was feeling happy as far as i had knew ....

some days ... just suck

people -

win win

today, was a good news day ....
had appt with specialist at the hospital, room and all this time! and, she checked me out thoroughly, top of head to tip of toe, inside and out ... and given me a 'you can train again' result .... :D
though i have been anyways, its nice having it official and approved.

oh my aching butt

coral beach was open today :) yay -

i am feeling very sore - not really fully sure why .... over the weekend i trained really well,
saturday ran at the great walk and kingfisher - 20k's ... beautiful as always, the area. was spose to run 22k so cut it short by 2 as my back really ached ( an excuse?) ... went to the gym and did a really good stretch afterwards and threw in just a couple of weights cos i was there. afternoon was heading out on the localvore tour so knew it was a lazy afternoon/evening ahead. felt a little muscle tired, but not really super sore or anything.