depression & running

depression is an insidious disease
it grabs me, and drags me down to where i feel there is no hope

but, i go and run, or i go to the gym, and while active, and for about an hour afterwards, i escape its clutches and feel really really good, about myself, about life. - during those moments, its like im invincible and nothing can hurt me or wear me down, stress me, pressure me, nothing.

unfortunately, it doesnt last long after finishing so i sit and am back to figuring i am lazy/fat/ugly, boring, despicable, place any self denigrating word in there and i think it of myself ...

i am surrounded at the gym by such a wonderful group of positive people, noone knows how i feel, except michelle and kerrin, i chat ( a new learned behaviour, so anything IS possible) i smile and i walk away and everyone thinks i am wonderful - i feel SO *fake* - i even feel like my running is fake. i have run for 12 months, others have put in years upon years, i am hardly a runner. yet. they put me in runners world :/ ? !
yet all the time i am fed constantly (more than any human should be, even by people who dont know me) such wonderful words about myself and all i have 'achieved', everyone is so proud of me, yet, why? there is nothing that i have really *done* - i take the words in, i have learned to say *thank you*, an automated response kerrin has taught me, specially to strangers, but inside i think, *yeah, really! youre a lovely, very kind, liar*
i am actually overwhelmed by how people 'see me' which in itself can make me feel pressured, and once away from those words, and overanalysing why they are said, the fall is harder, the pit, deeper.

michelle, my trainer, understands, but not really. this fact, is important for its the problem i am trying to overcome. she thinks i train obsessively - that i overtrain.
i think its a healthier option than the alternative. its probably our biggest grievance. i am VERY hard work for her, i acknowledge that. yet, she never gives up and is ever patient explaining over and over the same same same same same, did i mention, same, things to me to get me to understand.
brick wall -> head <- michelle - who is one in a million!

but the problem isnt in the understanding.

i do understand *rest* but once again, i reiterate - its a healthier option to the alternative - isnt it? but also, when resting, i *am* fat and lazy
am i better off out there running, or even walking (which btw i dont count as me *exercising*, another thing we dont agree on) or sitting at home in depressive or suicidal thought and all manner of reasons why its the best *option*, imagining how, imagining the freedom i could give back to those that actually have to deal with me, including her -
irrational thinking? of course. tell my head that though when amid its despairing throes.
usually, the worse i am feeling and the less i want to actually *run* - the better the high once i make myself simply head out the door and onto a trail. one and alone. and exhilerated.

so i fight between, making myself workout to feel good for a while, and getting enough *rest* to satisfy others and make them happy with me. for i also want, nothing more, than to *please people*
mostly, i end up in lies though, saying ive done less, which is easier, but which makes me feel worse, and exacerbates the problem - i hate myself. i NEVER want to run or workout again. then i make myself head out. then i feel good. great. awesome.

so circular. so frequent, the repetitive

if i can *see* the problem though, why cant i do something about it...? why isnt it easy? simply *stop*
i wonder if others are running/exercise obsessive for similar reasons, for surely i arent that unique - overtrain? - i am told (yes i *see* someone) its no different than any other crutch - smoking, alcohol, over eating (oh yes, theres a whole new topic, i apparently dont *eat enough* for what i train) ad infinitum.

i have made so many changes the past three years ive practically re-invented myself
this is simply, another part, i have to conquer
i will.

i HAVE cut down what i do, i DO try and sit and watch a movie. write. read. paint. do other things that are unrelated to 'fitness' - but somehow it always comes back to that, regardless.

my december weeks *pared down* training - i have done (and promised her) to do, only that which is *written* down - a new technique to trial - compromising, there are some extras thrown in she would rather i didnt do, and i have cut down the kms running closer to what she thinks appropriate to my goals and doing less classes which are not really of benefit to running - slowly, i conquer. fingers, crossed.
and, i have promised to eat more so that the times i DO train, it is pure quality and grunt, not quantity. and my body is well nourished.

week beginning: sunday 6th december
total kms - 76kms - combination mostly trail, some road, lots of hills and sand running
combat x 2
balance x 4
boxing x 1
step x 1
bike x 1
circuit x 2
weight session x 2
plyometrics session x 2
hill session x 2
p.t x 1 - agility

week beginning: sunday 13th december
total kms - 80kms - combination mostly trail, some road, lots of hills and sand running
combat x 3
balance x 3
boxing x 1
circuit x 1
weight session x 2
plyometrics session x 3
sprint session x 1
p.t x 1 - agility

week beginning: sunday 20th december
total kms - 106kms - combination mostly trail, some road, lots of hills and sand running
balance x 3
boxing x 1
weight session x 2
plyometrics session x 2
sprint/hill session x 2
p.t x 1 - agility       NO classes!! except for balance