perfunctory. nice word.


thats the amount of people in the world.
take away me. take away my children.
thats leaves 7,039,761,521 humans ... yet i feel so alone...
that's seven billion, thirty-nine million, seven hundred and sixty one thousand, five hundred and twenty one people, i have no attachment with.
not a single one, of that number, who would choose to spend time with me ....
thats says quite something about the person i am ....

three hours sleep. a demon night. 5.30am. run to the gym. best run ever, time wise.
11 minutes, 41 seconds. not a huge achievement compared to other runners, but, for me - i am pleased. i have wanted to push myself under 12 minutes for a long time ... i want to tell someone. but even if i had been given that opportunity, its not even very important to tell anyways. time wasting. most of what i speak is.

bike class. perfunctory.

people arriving, setting up, droning on, endless chatter, they are all talking, i could hear sounds but i couldn't hear what anyone was actually saying. then i hear michelle say honeyeater and 8k in the same moment, i think it was directed to me, i raise my eyes upwards and i think she is looking towards me - i say 8, but i dont really know what i said, the conversation continued on so either i was right, or, it simply didnt matter. i went back into my world.

the back spot. is a good spot. you dont really have to do much of anything. they wanted the fan on. as always. it was a windy day. i dont understand. i hop off and move my bike further back. i hear neither music nor instructor. i hear the roar of the fan. my mind heads into every dark crevice. i look up now and again and see they are doing something different. i try to follow.
it finishes. fan OFF. wow, they are genius.

i head into balance. there is no door space. my head is already trapped. i cant do balance and become moreso. i need an escape route.

i leave instead. i walk home. at the top of policeman hill - i pass an old guy heading in the opposite direction. he says an obligatory 'good morning how are you' as we pass. i want to answer. i REALLY want to. i want to plead with a great urgency, "i want to die, PLEASE help me be ok..."
i wonder what a stranger would do with that in answer? i wonder, what he would have done ....
i smile at him and what comes out is 'ok thank you'... i walk past. then the tears of my failings, finally erupt and fall as i continue down the hill.
today was meant to be a GREAT day.

it will not be long till i simply implode ...

i wish one day, someone might read this, then they might even say back to me, or write 'hey, i feel like that too. you are NOT alone" ...
i wish one day, of those 7,039,761,521 people one would ask me to go to lunch with them, because they would want to. or, i know peoples time is precious so maybe a lunch is to huge an expectation, but, even a coffee ... i know, choosing to spend some of their time with me, is kinda imaginative, but, i am allowed a fantasy, right? \o/

.... cos, it doesnt have to be *someone*, i dont care if it were just *anyone*
anyone... would do.


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