i become a judas

*change the habit of thinking, visualising and talking unlucky *

spose that could also end with the word - negatively.

today, a bummed out day, not even any exercise, which is normally the cure, could lift me from my self imposed doldrums :( i dont know where they came from ...

ran to gym, walked most of it with a million conversations going on in my head of all i had to do and say, it sucked, did balance, it sucked, ran home without a word to anyone, left via the aerobics room door so noone saw me, it sucked.
worked, emails out to schools, tons of them. that part easy, a robotic task.. business card design. couldnt get anything looking good. sucked.
back to gym in the afternoon. only good thing of that was storm came too... which was good for her.
did a plyometrics session. somehow, and not even sure how it all really came about that i agreed so readily, but ... somehow, agreed to have a training session next week with a new pt guy. (well, his role really i still dont know, from what i can gather he has been going to pump the past couple of sundays ... not sure where he actually fits in) actually, i do know partly why i agreed, but it wasnt a valid reason ... and one, that simply makes me ashamed of myself.

anyways, how did we get into conversation? i had walked past him in the weights area when i was grabbing some dumbbells, he commented on what i was doing saying it was a great session, (he is right there though! but i even sucked at that too today) next thing i know, half hour later, viewing some footage on his laptop with him and kerrin, which was cool to see, im agreeing to train with him next week when michelle is away ...
gosh, :/ could the day really WORSEN so much? BUT, i really wanted to do it ....
came home and organised storm off to work, tried to get some work done then too, really needed to finish the design, but couldnt get out of my head the thought of how to tell michelle, explain it all, ... - i felt like a judas, well, thats cos i most likely WAS. my creativity to work, was at a zilch level so i gave up.
decided to text her, but couldnt even get the words right, took me an hour to write a couple of sentences, how does one send a message of what appears as 'betrayal' via text! yep. i SUCK!!!!
if i had been on the receiving end of the text i sent, i would have been offended, but there really was nothing offensive as such, i jsut couldnt see her taking it well, and i was trying and trying to get the words right, thought i had, for, it was not meant in any way to be a strike against her ... she is the most super trainer i could ever ask for
so if thats the case, how? friggin HOW? could i even entertain such an idea - to do a session with someone else? regardless of how it came about, i was the one who agreed to it ... but having a session with someone else isnt really that bad a thing is it?

it just looked cool - and i liked the idea of doing something different, pushing myself differently, and seeing what i was capable of ... just once ...

i still have a session with her before she goes away - i think i felt guilty most of all cos part of me was thinking i would have to cancel that but in the end i figured i could do both ... so glad at least i didnt verbalise that to her :( ... but i had thought it, so the knowledge of that was within me ... but in the end, it wouldnt have altered anything i do with her ... sigh,
she phoned back straight away ...... well, that answered that, the words REALLY werent right. i felt awfully pained for how she felt ...

but i would still, (knew i had to and glad i did) tell her rather than say nothing
than, go ahead with the session and somehow down the track she finds out, for thats inevitable, whether by myself out of guilt or simply talk around - that, would be hurtful. boy. would it ever :(
she was a trooper, as always ends up the case - im fully aware of how i would feel were i in her shoes ... and she is the one in the end trying to tell me its ok .... the more she did the worse i felt though. i didnt deserve that nicety.
she was hurt. she was pissed. :( i know that.

what WAS i thinking!?!

so, the afternoon sure didnt make my day brighten any - and whereto now on it ... ? decided we (?) would think about it and talk about it monday... and maybe doing it would be good. i hope she thinks about it, for, id really like to give it a go.

i did have one positive, i got to talk to lisa tomati ... but the initial excitement of that became jaded when i kept thinking of the person i am ... not someone *i* would like to know, thats for sure ....

* change the habit of thinking, visualising and talking .... NEGATIVELY *
goal, for the weekend

i hate 'not good exercise ' days ...