day ten

tuesday morning - day 10 - 75.8kg = loss of 2.8kilos - keeps going downwards so thats something good right? 7.2 to goal.

sunday 24 oct am run to gym (2.5k), 28mins xtrainer, 10 mins rower, pump, balance, run home (2.5k) pm run honeyeater trail (8km), walk just past jubilee (10k)
feeling good. rarely hungry. but eating well.

monday 25 oct am run to gym (2.5k), park - 10 x 100m sprints, combat (miss last track), run home (2.5k) pm swim 1hr, run to p.o. return, pump (in office, miss warmup and squats), step, ½hr xtrainer

depression hit during combat - what the? :/
im in the middle of doing exercise which gives me relief, everything has been going well for a couple of weeks ...  and it was like a bomb blew up my mind creating an internal armageddon and ive no idea where it came from, well, part idea, but it isnt sensical to the outside world...
- forced myself to the end but lost complete concentration and wanted to leave from third last track, after each one, kept trying to tell my mind 'one more' ... left before pushups/ab track but made it to that at least. had to run home cos i had run there and, so didnt want to. i wanted to just lay down - there was just nothing in me physically or moreso, mentally. it was the hardest 2.5k i have run in a long time ...   :/
i sat. i spent a lot of the day just sitting. and praying. or laying. still praying. hoping. wishing.
went and swam ... hard to do.
forced myself in the afternoon to go do pump and step. shouldnt have. hindsight, is a grand teacher. went ahead and screwed the evening up from there. progressively, it worsened till my mind couldnt even think. dont even need to expand on that, those who i screwed over, know who they are. doubt. i will face any again. i hate me, more than what they possibly ever could! if i could remove myself for them, i would .....

tuesday 26 oct am bike, balance pm gym (end up talking then storm came :/) pool, 1hr
depression levels: not changing. :/ was going to go to bike and then try to apologise to michelle ... stayed curled up in a ball in bed instead, wishing i were different. wishing god might somehow miraculously take me. no energy and had to force myself to get outside and go to the gym at noon, hoping i would feel better in the after atmosphere of exercise ... ended up chatting as amberlee was there, to her, then storm arrived from tafe. she chatted to bec. i chatted to kerrin. left at 2, no workout done. but did feel slightly better.
hunger levels: not hungry. not a bit. if i dont eat. i won't lose weight. bought some pumpkin and spinach lasagne from the gym. went halves with storm for a late lunch. we went and got some greens from the supermarket to add a salad. did eat it all.
then hit a downer hard in the afternoon. curled up back in bed. i am SO behind on work ....

storm made me go swim. i didnt want to. but, she did make me laugh with her in the pool. she deserves so much more of a mother than i am.

dont want to go to the gym tomorrow. going to have to MAKE myself. not going, wont improve how i feel, nor, get me towards goal, of which i am on track of ...
ses training is on right now, but i havent gone ...  only the second meeting i have ever missed unless i have been away ... just no energy for it. well. no energy for people. and i think we were doing height safety tonight, so, no energy to do the physical and climb roofs anyway...

tomorrow. HAS to become better.
i dont know why i am where i am at. if i could explain it to anyone, i would understand it myself.
i only know, i dont like it, i dont 'choose' it (promise! :/) ... and it is frustrating that people dont understand.
if i had a heart attack. people. would understand. people. want to help. people. WOULD help.
break my leg? help available. family and friends. would gather round!
cancer? sympathy would flow in. fundraisers would be held by the community to raise money! a ton of support.  
have a brain attack? a mental meltdown ... jumbled thoughts... complete inner body pain... we are on our own. people, simply cant understand it (thats not a fault, it just 'is', the way it is) - they shouldnt have to understand it i guess ... it takes a LOT of work to deal with us, to be a family member of us, to be friends with us, to deal with us, a LOT.. of work.
so much for all the advertising the government is doing on 'mental illness awareness'  ... a waste of taxpayers money.
those that have it, dont need to see it. we know.
those that dont. wont ever understand. no matter how much is spent the mentality will always be 'people with any sort of mental illness'....  they need to 'get over it' ...
sad world.


Jenny said...

Hey Ann

Here's a band-aid, and it's really just a band-aid if you're feeling so down about yourself at times, but I read your blog - after all, it's linked to your profile - and I can see that you're stuck looking at yourself from the inside, but I'm pretty sure that the perspective people get from the outside is of a much nicer (and more interesting) person than you are able to give yourself credit for being.

I do know that feeling of hating oneself, thank goodness it goes away again, but how scary would it be if it didn't? Please make sure that even in the really bad times you don't lose sight of the fact that it can be made to go away...and remember that you have managed it before, so you will succeed again.

A bit like running ultramarathons, really. (And I'm certain that I wouldn't be able to like myself as much if I didn't go running. There's a sense of achievement that's not easy to explain, and you get to see some amazing scenery and share your experiences with people you might otherwise not have met.)

Okay, that's my thought for the day; even if it's not useful now it may be at some other time.


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