missing a vital element

don't dwell on who let you down, cherish those who hold you up!
lost my trainer.
now, therapy ma'am announces, she is leaving. 8 october. :( double whammy. who leaves next? arent things in threes?...
if its someone else with influence in my life, im about done for...
my wall, which i have allowed to be slowly broken down bit by bit over the past couple years, is going back up, mighty fast, and stainless steel this time! NEVER let people *in*.... never let them be close... lessons i learned so very long ago, but i momentarily lost sight of ...
i won't, again.
*people.* :( not sure there is any who 'holds me up' so, guess, i dont have to 'cherish' anyone ....

its been a very haphazard couple of weeks training, but, - good ones nonetheless ... im not good without it actually planned and written out where i basically tick the boxes as i go along ... but, i guess its something i need to get used to, and make it happen as best i can ...
still trying to get used to the idea of not having a trainer - tougher than i thought - still hurting, still embarrassed, still... questioning, still trying to deal with it :/ waiting for the universe to reveal the why! everything happens for a reason, right? i just really dont get this one .... (other than the pain in the ass i am of course)
anyways, ive been all over the place, but, ive still trained as hard as i have been able, and, ive laughed a ton along the way. ive many in my life who are supportive .. at the end of the day, i guess thats what matters ...

sunday 12 after the race, drove home, didnt get home till 5.30am monday morning, so, spent most of monday sleeping or simply lazy ... so, a rest day i guess. lots of stretching though...
tuesday 14.
bike followed by balance in the morn. super choice to get up at 5am and head on in and do both classes ... used different muscles to the weekends running and felt so loose and stretched and magnificently good afterwards
balance before heading to ses in the eve.
wednesday 15.
boxing. step. (ouch. then OUCH.) ok, these ones werent wise choices :) ouch, then yep OUCH!
thursday 16.
morning: balance. evening: combat.
friday 17.
morning: combat. balance. 10km run. gentle run. felt good. nearly back to normal.
saturday 18.
morning: combat. afternoon: mt rooper run.sunday 19.
the whitsunday great walk race - 8 hours on my feet, and lots of running up and down a 1km section of the hill, but, no 'real' exercise.
monday 20.
the rains hit!! w00t! what a night! what a morning! combat. then storm and i took a walk down the main street of airlie, for her to go to work, bare footed and playing in the puddles on the way! w00t w00t the BEST fun, what a SUPER way for her to start work :) ... only just arrived home when i got a call from the ses = so spent the rest day with them helping people in bother from the floods. LOTS of sand bag making! evening, finished in time to still go do - body attack class.
tuesday 21.
morning: run to gym. balance. run home. evening: balance.went early to balance to see the weight loss group to see how they were doing, and to, give some words of encouragement. \o/ well, had hoped to. kinda stunned by their apparent apathy. in four weeks, there should be some amazing results, but, other than one of them, its like they dont even care. maybe i just got them at a bad moment ... unfortunately, until they lose that attitude, and that can ONLY come from within themselves, they have to *want* to lose the weight, they are always going to be as they are. .... :( two of them , didnt even want to be weighed, and hadnt been, since the beginning. ok. the kg weight isnt the be all and end all, but, if you have a lot of weight to lose, then you need some sort of guide to see how you are going ... and if not in the right direction, then to figure out why ... :/ it's not just about 'showing up' - yeah, thats a TOUGH first step, but, then the effort has to continue, both, at the gym and at home, exercise AND food ... i found it difficult to talk to them compared to the first time, they didnt seem to have any enthusiasm towards their goals ... oh well. im sure they are happy with how they are going without my thought or input/interference....
wednesday 22.
morning: tanya away so no boxing. step. evening: weights. body attack. felt MUCH better this week with step, did it normal :) and, felt much easier doing attack tonight than mondays!
thursday 23.
morning: 12km run. evening: combat. hate wearing shoes during combat, my goodness, what a difference it makes!
friday 24.
morning: combat. bare feet - yayayayayayayayayayay YAY :D
afternoon: 5km run. evening: jan's class (functional circuit?).
saturday 25
was going to go to combat, but decided against it, plus have kinda overdosed on it since being back! ... headed to gloucester/dingo beach for a walk and lunch with the storm child instead, a really lovely leisurely afternoon - we did intend going for a swim, but didnt end up in the water
sunday 26.
pump. balance.
lazy afternoon, ... the rain is on and off ... will figure out the rest of my week .... and try to get a plan happening.

ive allowed the weight to creep on over the past few months without paying it much heed (speaking of weight, look at my own glass house eh!) - so, slowly i guess, but it has still come back on nonetheless, so i really have to spend the next few weeks watching what i eat, keeping a food diary, and pushing myself hard exercise wise to get the best results from it i can...
its easy to just turn up for 'classes' or to just 'go for a run' .... but if i dont put in, that can be as useless as staying home and sitting on a couch. so, push for quality in training, the goal ... and see if i cant get some weight loss with focused effort and get back to where i was

wishing, waiting, hoping ... for the feeling of loss to leave me ... ** fingers crossed **

"one can't complain. i have my friends. why, someone spoke to me only yesterday." eeyore