seven days

i would have to say, it hasnt been my grandest week in a long while ...

7 days, till glasshouse. this evening, even though ive been backwards and forwards for so long .. i decided, finally, to only do the 100km and emailed ian. i feel very disappointed with myself. i know i am capable. i am fit. i have run more kilometres this past few weeks i think than for any other race i have ever done. i've been pleased on the most part of the running i have been doing. the quality of it. the fun of it. in fact, its the one thing ive been pretty sure of myself about. my training. has been good.

i know there is a few that will question me the next few days, continuously, why i've dropped down and not understand. they will have - in their minds - my best interests at heart, they have faith in me. and they want so bad for me to 'conquer unfinished business' so they will also, push me again, to do the 160, knowing i can. but how do they know? for all they know, i might not have done any training for months!!
i received such a beautiful email from matt a couple nights ago, and, he said in it, my strength last year was inspiring, i DO remember the pain, maybe thats the question i have on myself for finishing, ... i STILL think i would have finished, and i still have in my mind the doctor saying no go ... but, this year, i am injury free! and instead. what have i done? i have now pulled back. :( oh well.
*i'd rather finish happy than just be happy to finish.* ... i say that often enough, it will become embedded ...

there really isnt any difference between 100 or 160 - the pain is the same. jarom, a US ultrarunner, actually he is U.S. athlete ambassador for the brazil 135 sent me a great email a few nights ago too - he told me all about the ultras he has done and experiences, but, he wrote in it, about my 'indecision' on which to do, *no ultra is ever any easier than another. The only difference is the time and/or distance. Whether you do the 100k or 160k, as Dean Karnazes puts it..."It's going to hurt" * im actually in awe, he took time to write me such a wonderful mail

whilst it IS mostly mental, the body has to be ready too. and that usually is most peoples problems ...
for me though i have the opposite problem at the moment. my body. is ready. fired, willing, and more than capable. i can keep going for hours upon hours. even past the hurt.
it is my mind, i am having trouble with, not for the race. once that starters gun goes, i will hopefully be excited beyond belief, and fired high as a kite with adrenalin.
the problem is, getting through the next week. without upsetting too many people along the way and letting them down, and, so i still have SOME supporters ... for i REALLY DO need them onside :/ - well, the ones that count.

plus.... keeping myself afloat for the week.
my mindset can change in mere moments how i feel, high to low in minutes, and even seconds, i think ive got it all pulled together, then bam, i fall apart again. frequent, frustrating, tearful, i cant quite grasp the 'high' ... one moment the world is my oyster, the next i have yet another suicide escape planned within myself that makes me feel on top of the world, then quick as a wink back to the oyster before the plummet again!
*i* cannot understand me nor deal with me. so im not sure how i expect anyone else could deal with me either - the need to pull away from everyone is so strong. their freedom. their protection. they wont understand, but its all i have to give them ... and its easy to do ...

mentally, i am so exhausted.
training this week, started with a good plan, but has been haphazard ... though the only things i have really missed are a 2 hour run, and balance this morning. so it actually isnt that bad at all ... but, i added many extras which are absolute no use to my goals - two combats, a boxing session, thursday morn balance, and some bike and xtrainer this afternoon ... their value? only the fact im not in bed sleeping instead and are participating in the world ... sometimes. thats very important. it's the one thing mostly not understood. i need exercise sometimes to try and stop the repetitive spiral downwards.

yesterday morning, after balance, and an uncomfortable chat with michelle, due to me, i really dont understand why she puts up with my crap, she is so precious and kind, i doubt she will for much longer ... i came home and went back to bed .. i did not wake up till 11.30 :/ that sure surprised the bejeevis out of me ..
then this morning, i went to combat in prossy to chat to kerrin after, came home, and since i wasnt going to go to balance, i hadnt planned on it :/ mostly, so noone had to be annoyed by me after the class finished ... i went to bed again, slept till 12 noon! :/ whilst it was a good way to not think ill thoughts for the time the class would have been on, i sure didnt plan on sleeping that long.
i never sleep once up, i never go lay back down again though, and, i dont really know why i did. to escape myself mostly .... thats seven and a half extra hours of sleep - and i am STILL SO friggin tired!
i got behind on work, so had to do tons this afternoon, but then, went back to the gym, did half hour on the xtrainer and half hour on the bike, then did a plyometrics session (which WAS scheduled! w00t! something on plan) ...

so, despite everything else, i've had a pretty good training week. i DO wish i had gone and done the 2 hour run after michelle though. thats possibly my biggest regret training wise. i know she cant make me, i know in the end it is all up to me what i do or dont do, she can guide and give her thoughts, but my motivation has to be intrinsic ... but i wish she had somehow pushed me and said simply 'go f***ing DO IT ann and stop making excuses!!', and kicked my ass out the door then instead...

anyways. tomorrow and sunday, were going to be big ses days ... we were doing the sarex at hamilton island, heading over there on the police boat, that was pretty cool sounding, but now that has been cancelled, for we have to do a real search instead, here at airlie beach - dont know all the details till tomorrow morning when we meet but, well, a little disappointed. though, hope we find the missing person safe and well.

sunday, the triathlon. will be different seeing it from an ses view. for reasons - not sure how to pull that off. well. i have a whole group of ses peeps around me eh? that will look out for me if i find myself in any bother, i hope

work: has been a busy week - challenged by my state of mind - completing things, and motivation have been difficult. but, at least there is food on the table still. so. i *function*, that's a step

speaking of - food: i have actually not thought too much about food and what i eat of late, but this afternoon i did - the past couple of weeks especially, have been so super healthy, i REALLY WAS working hard towards getting the running and food right. from the gut point of view, i feel very clean still. i like that feeling. some days i am fat, some days not so. one day, i need to just learn to accept however my body is. as long as i can make myself continue to exercise, i dont let my mindset take over, and i keep the food - clean and green! i have no choice really what my body does. it will just do it. i have not purged in the longest of times. it would be closer to calling it months, rather than weeks. thats something i should be very proud of . i dont sufficiently enough look at my positive growth.

i hope. something happens. that brings me to life again. a cliche, but, i am tired of being tired. the black dog. exhausting.
if i COULD 'get over it' i would.
sadly, it is NOT that easy.