the pit

my body is not feeling very normal today

my energy levels are at an all time low

i keep getting shaky, really piss weak i cant lift a muscle shaky ... hopefully, just the aftermath of the sugar rush junk food i fed it ...

hypocritical oxymoron that i am

i am down in the pit again, im not even sure exactly what that means, its a term kerrin or michelle use, 'youre in the pit' 'get out of the pit' ... that they learnt at a fitness seminar i think (?) ...
fits, when i am in the doldrums, (mayhaps?)
i kind of get it. im in a hole. a deep deep hole - no way to escape. and kerrin will yell at me to get myself on the 'friggin first rung' of the ladder ...
how do i EVER explain, to anyone, its that first rung, i can never find ....

if i DO ever get myself to go to the gym this week at all, i just have to smile while there, simply walk in, with a smile ... so those words cant be said ... for they only make me feel more miserable, and more inadequate as a human, that i cant be, what people want me to be ...

i dont know for certain how i fell this deep this time ... actually. i think i DO know. but i dont have the answer to rectify and take time backwards to make a different choice ... create a different scenario.
ive been faking it and doing all the right things the past couple of weeks ... battling the feelings and trying hard to overcome - training when i have to, ran everything i had to, pushed myself hard, did extra classes to try and lose some weight, ate all the correct things, smiled when needed, ... yet slowly, this time, i have even felt myself falling ....
be 'true to myself, and others'. ???? well. this is ME. the true me. seriously not a pleasant person. i understand why people stay away. i understand my body language.

didnt run this morning. or yesterday for that matter. didnt do bike this morn. didnt do balance. and i sit, lethargic. its a lot of energy, even to write. but i am tired of laying in bed. eyes wide open. life passing by.

after close to 4 months on 30BaD, (a short break from it after the first 30 days, but felt disgusting so went back on it again and have been ever since ) .... last night, i binged.
binged? frig. i was an empty whale eating like i had never seen food in my life. i somehow talked storm into buying fish and chips, chocolate and ice cream. it was actually a tough task. she kept telling me how awful i would feel, and i didnt want it ... i kept saying i didnt care, it WAS what i wanted. we battled, i cried, she succumbed :/ we bought them, and went over to the lagoon to eat. i wanted everyone to see me, - watch me - im fat!!!! im eating junk food. ... but noone saw.
i wanted someone i knew to see me - so they could question what the heck i was doing, and i could scream back. i just wanted to fight and scream with every emotion my body could muster... yell and punch and say WTF - its food! im human. get over it.

three guys training in the pool, two life guards, and one couple walked past. .... i ate, 4 potato cakes, greasy as disgustingly greasy as can be imagined, did try to mop off some of the oil with the paper wrapping .... a handful of chips, drank a 2 litre bottle of maxi ice. we came home and i ate a bowl of mint ice cream and, scoffed down throughout the evening, even when i already felt sick from them and everything else, a 200g packet - the WHOLE packet, of chocolate honeycomb.


no exercise. high fat food. oh boy i felt disgusting afterwards.

didnt go to bed till 3am, couldnt sleep. eventually did, for a little bit. woke to go to bike. couldnt be bothered. like REALLY, what does it matter if i run or if i go do a bike class? it didnt matter i didnt stay for pump last night. it didnt matter i ate disgusting food and in copious amounts. then today, it doesnt matter. either.
tomorrow. nor will it.
nor the next day, nor the next. what EXACTLY is the point?
there are tons of fat people out there who have so many people love them, making oneself thinner, doesnt make people like you, nor turn you into a bundle of joy

worst part of the repulsive food choices last night? - not even sure what i was out to prove, just that i still am no different to what i have always been maybe .... but. my mouth felt like glue when i woke, my lips and tongue were coated with some thick layer of glue like substance and the repulsive taste of sweetness in my mouth, vomit material!!! what the hell! i felt heavy, bloated and tired and - it certainly hasnt helped me find that rung. even if i could glimpse it right now, my hippopotamus state means i wouldnt be able to jump and reach.


and noone, even notices im missing. noone, gives a stuff. \o/



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