drowning slowly

sometimes a low hits me by surprise ... ok. not true. i get signs along the way. things that happen. mostly, what would appear to others as small trivial things, but are big mountains to me, things i always think i have conquered and can deal with, to discover - i havent, and i cant.
one after another that create a rebound effect until my brain simply implodes and i feel like im drowning. trying to keep my head above the waterline.
many. wish of course, i simply drowned. and the quicker the better.
writing. has been difficult. but i have sat here for 9 10 hours today - every five minutes im 'going for a run', every 5 minutes im going to head down to the gym and, just do some weights, every 5 minutes im going to do some work - of which i have fallen way behind the 8 ball with - i am NOT a good self employed person ... every 5 minutes i am going to work on the book .... every 5 minutes im going to 'do something' ...  and 9 10 hours later, i still sit here. nothing written. nothing worked on. no run done. no body part moved. i can feel the fat ooozing and growing inside me. the only fortunate thing of that is, other than a sugar/fat binge last saturday, i have barely eaten ... well. not that thats good on my body, it tends to somehow make me fatter ... but. at least i arent turning, since saturday, to emotional eating.

i have not exercised now for 5 days. from experience i know that doesnt help, exercise is what keeps me from going under, and why i do so much, and no matter how i feel, its something i KNOW i have to do and will, for the most part, feel better afterwards, albeit sometimes a short time .... however. this time. the exercise wont come. i really cant make myself go to the gym. i really cant make myself head out the door for even a WALK, let alone run. and i am questioning now why i even bother when i do.
which is really consuming me with dread, and guilt. and feeling just miserable at myself i cant - that im lazy, that i let people down.
im not liked at the gym. i guess thats been the hard thing that has hit me this week. and taken me by surprise a little. to know you walk through the door and people are sitting there with a dislike of you, isnt encouraging or motivating to head there for .... but thats what i HAVE to get past, worrying about what other people think of me! there are many that DO like me!

but, i have to at least make myself write. its inside, its at home, away from people... if only i could make myself do it.
a blog. i guess. is a start. words. are words, afterall. but tomorrow, real writing. if i can start with that, then build upon  ....


owlblog said...

This too shall pass Ann. Microscopically your mood will shift and you'll be able to walk that 5 mins and then another shift and you'll be able to connect with others a little. Then gathering momentum you'll feel the shift take hold and it won't take quite so much mental effort... you'll feel yourself coming back again and before you know it you'll be rereading this post and feeling grateful that this black hole spat you out the other side... just like they always do. It feels like hell when you are in it but on the other side it's bright and beautiful. Just like you. I am so glad we met.

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