drowning slowly

sometimes a low hits me by surprise ... ok. not true. i get signs along the way. things that happen. mostly, what would appear to others as small trivial things, but are big mountains to me, things i always think i have conquered and can deal with, to discover - i havent, and i cant.

one after another that create a rebound effect until my brain simply implodes and i feel like im drowning. trying to keep my head above the waterline.

many. wish of course, i simply drowned. and the quicker the better.
\o/
writing. has been difficult. but i have sat here for 9 10 hours today - every five minutes im 'going for a run', every 5 minutes im going to head down to the gym and, just do some weights, every 5 minutes im going to do some work - of which i have fallen way behind the 8 ball with - i am NOT a good self employed person ... every 5 minutes i am going to work on the book .... every 5 minutes im going to 'do something' ...  and 9 10 hours later, i still sit here. nothing written. nothing worked on. no run done. no body part moved. i can feel the fat ooozing and growing inside me. the only fortunate thing of that is, other than a sugar/fat binge last saturday, i have barely eaten ... well. not that thats good on my body, it tends to somehow make me fatter ... but. at least i arent turning, since saturday, to emotional eating.

i have not exercised now for 5 days. from experience i know that doesnt help, exercise is what keeps me from going under, and why i do so much, and no matter how i feel, its something i KNOW i have to do and will, for the most part, feel better afterwards, albeit sometimes a short time .... however. this time. the exercise wont come. i really cant make myself go to the gym. i really cant make myself head out the door for even a WALK, let alone run. and i am questioning now why i even bother when i do.
which is really consuming me with dread, and guilt. and feeling just miserable at myself i cant - that im lazy, that i let people down.
im not liked at the gym. i guess thats been the hard thing that has hit me this week. and taken me by surprise a little. to know you walk through the door and people are sitting there with a dislike of you, isnt encouraging or motivating to head there for .... but thats what i HAVE to get past, worrying about what other people think of me! there are many that DO like me!

but, i have to at least make myself write. its inside, its at home, away from people... if only i could make myself do it.
a blog. i guess. is a start. words. are words, afterall. but tomorrow, real writing. if i can start with that, then build upon  ....