a step outside

You never work out and regret it. You never go for a run and when you are done say "I wish I would have just stayed home". You never climb a mountain, get to the top and say "I should have just been content to stay where I was".  - JUST DO IT

i would like to say today was better than the past week. in a sense. it was.
i wrote about 5,000 words! that's about. oh. 5,000 more than ive written ALL week! and for the most part, it flowed. i never let my brain stop constructing concepts or my bum move from the flattenmybroadass position of a computer chair...
early afternoon i went to the shops and got some food, needed, the cupboards were bare but i havent been hungry so it hasnt bothered me so much... storm WILL be happy when she comes home though and sees a stocked fridge. and tons of fruit and vegies. i even went to the library for a little bit while out.
i emailed some friends. i responded to some emails that i have been procrastinating with. work ones.
so all that. quite an achievement.

my thoughts didnt alter though. i need human contact? people have reached out to me. i am hiding behind texts and emails. or avoidance. a technique that works well in a busy world.
ive been on such a high the last few weeks so when things like this take over its like i have no control - there isnt many that can understand that - what happens in the mind - it wears me out. the energy needed just to breathe. its tiresome. lethargic. circular.
but this is the first time i have allowed myself to NOT go out and run or to the gym. i still always go regardless how i feel, knowing via history, i will feel a little LOTS better and often for a short time afterwards ... and thats the part im not dealing with, the actual apathy i am feeling towards exercising ... any exercise.

so i didnt go to the gym. i thought about it. a lot.
i didnt go for a run. i thought about that. even more.
i still couldnt listen to music. and. i didnt get any design work done.
but i guess making myself head out the door just to the shops was a good starting step.
the heat isnt helping. i am much more alert now it is late at night. but im sure its because its cooler. maybe i simply need to change to a nocturnal lifestyle! and maybe i do some design now .... theres a concept. burning the candle at both ends is how i normally work though. i guess it doesnt help a routine, specially considering when i AM 'ok', i am up at 5 every day ...

i am going to try to wake in the morning and go to the prossy gym, and do combat. thats my exercise goal of the day. my achievement... i would like to say i am going to go out running,. i would LOVE to. that much is the truth. but the thought of running rattles my brain. and i know i wont as much as the thought of it, sounds wonderful. so would be disappointed in myself when i dont.
but combat last week was the last class i did so, i guess its a good starting point to begin with again .... i hope. i can.


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