from the beginning ... ? didnt want to go to ses. it's been a very reclusive week. when mark sent us a text about where training was, i sent one back saying i wasnt feeling very people friendly and were we actually doing any 'real' training, so it was necessary i was there, or were we just talking.... he sent me back a text straight away :/ *yeah, i dont feel very people friendly either, i will just stay home too* :( (and he did!!)
if he only knew what my non people friendly is compared to just sarcasm ..
so. i ended up going.
guilt ridden. (i didnt know he really wasnt gonna show ...)
went with andrew and sarah though, so, for some reason, my stay away from humans stance, became abnormally chatty in the car ... i chatted a dime to the dozen! which i actually tend to with andrew. he is very 'user friendly' - which is a huge compliment of any human .. those that can just be so accepting of others , gracious people. kind.
but ... feeling 'talky' ... led me, on arrival, to texting michelle, but this is where i was wrong. ... two weeks? three weeks? ... this is why i stay away from people. because, as soon as i did it, i thought of all the reasons i will only let her down :( - yet again, in the future! and should not have texted in the first place ... she was happy i had though ...... :/
its the very exact reason i dont contact my sister... as soon as i do., i wish i hadnt. because i put her back in the position again where, it is the beginning of the end... a place where she has to keep dealing with me until i pull away again... and, its bound to happen.
the last time i saw her, four years ago, i knocked on her door, storm and i did, we had sat in the car a few doors down from her home in melbourne for about an hour first braving it up, well, i was braving it.....
and, she didnt even know me! i said, its me, your sister! unexpected registration, then when she realised who i was, shock. she went into shock ... she was near nigh heart attack case and had to hold the wall as we walked down her hall way to her lounge room :/ entering her lounge, on her wall, was a HUGE watercolour painting i had painted back in my 20's ... prominent :( ... and she was SOOOO friggin happy, and excited, questions after questions, i could not respond to ... and straight away making plans, big plans, with me in her life, and doing happy sister things together, .......... and, one more visit, one day trip into town together, and, a week later, i was gone :( out of her life - again. leaving her to deal with that momentary intrusion, and i havent spoken or contacted her since ....
six years maybe, previous to that, she had gone through the same deal. - she is worth so much more, than having to deal with me. anyone is.
its easier to stay away, she might hate me, she might be totally disappointed, she may not understand, she may or may not think about me now and again, i guess if she has my work on her wall she maybe does occasionally ... but, she doesnt have to play the rollercoaster ride of my emotions and get hurt. endlessly.
she doesnt actually know, or comprehend, the gift i give her - by staying out of her life.
i wish i knew how to change me. or that there WAS a way. many have tried. and come out lesser because of my addition to their lives as well. so its always better not to get close.
yes. always better. staying away.
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