a 'beautiful' day

birthdays, my own, or moreso, birthdays of those that are close to me, are not very good days within my year .... i never celebrate mine, i never celebrate anyones elses, i never see the person whose birthday it is, on their 'day' and i can never give good wishes to them, (but deep inside, i AM hoping they have magical days!).... reasons why, are unnecessary for anyone else to ever know, but i usually spend them hidden away at home, away from contact with anyone - obviously that creates such a stress, it certainly requires a great deal of pre thought and angst in the preceding days and in the aftermath.. a lot of turmoil that i have to clean up and make up for, that can take days weeks! ...
i DO give lots of gifts though, throughout the year. people never lack because of my shortcomings. sporadic. noone ever knows when something will be given from me. i call them, beautiful day gifts. they don't come on peoples 'birth'days,. they come, any day during the year i find something i like, for someone i care about, and - i purchase it, wrap it, and surprise them with it ... isn't that more wonderful anyway? giving, because i want to, not because it is a societal expectation!? i certainly think it is. i dont accept gifts on my 'birthday' (i dont make things easy for people :/ ) but, i too, LOVE to receive 'beautiful day' gifts ....

but this year. and with storms '18th' coming up, i feel i have a requirement, to alter my past and have decided i need to change around, everything i have connected with them. my daughter. deserves an 18th birthday celebration, on her ACTUAL day ... when it arrives ......
so starting with my own, after some gastronomical failing attempts for change last year.... and starting with a simple baby step... today, has been 'the day' ... planned. everything, every step of my day. planned, so i can then deal with the coping and hopefully not be quite so overwhelmed ..
the result? a tough day still. but. a wonderful one (i think/hope it was wonderful? im not really sure what i am supposed to be feeling  from it? i really dont know what people do on their birthdays.) - but to me, best of all, because of that reach out, i got to exercise still instead of staying locked up behind closed curtains waiting for the arrival of 'the next day'
a 12k run, followed by combat class - kerrin didn't really respect what i asked but she did what she felt was right for her, and at least played it down compared to how she would normally have been ... a book i have been after for a couple of months gifted, and i remained calm while it happened (the absolutely toughest part of my day though) ...  then to the post office, pick up my mail - and my oprah necklace arrived! what timing! precious time with storm before she headed to work (who of course knows better than to give me anything today! LOVE her !) , a hard, but enjoyable lunch at capers (plus DESSERT :D ) with an everpatient and understanding michelle knowing the demons i face yet making it all as normal as possible, some time spent with kerrin later in the afternoon, then storm allowed a break from work :) and finish with an afternoon pump class - voila. food friends exercise - all covered ? - a very different day to many of the past, regardless that it wasnt easy....
mixed with so many wonderful wishes from heaps of others, email & txts - and, i accepted those wishes. people DO mean well.
michelles continuing understanding and contact through the afternoon and night, was of the hugest help.

have i altered my thoughts and concerns of birthdays for the future? birthdays of anyone else? possibly not. it's a long learning process with few days throughout the year to actually put action into practice. but. i have made one hell of a dent into it ... on this particular day.
it did turn out a beautiful day. feeling very lucky xx