the op(rah)era is over

she arrived, hopped out of the black car in her sunburnt orange dress. a larger woman than i expected - but simply majestic. there really is no other word. i admit it. a proud figure.
i wish, i had been a fan, for while it was great to be there, i didnt seem to have that buzz of others - but it was interesting to witness and be a part of. a social experiment of sorts.

carmen and i had a great night the night before. after the c2k and then spending a night with her catching up, that would have been enough. simply chance took me to an oprah finale of my time away.
so maybe i was simply too tired to take in the full atmosphere or excitement of it all... but. it WAS a show. definitely. very staged.

an experience beyond words

"On Saturday we left Ray resting in Jindabyne and Ann and I shared a trip up to the Summit. What a woman she is - so strong, so kind, so generous - just an awesome co-crewer." Sue

sue ... thank you, thats just so lovely for you to say. x

words cannot sum up our time there, nor that summit journey of ours, (well besides with the singular word freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing for the latter!) emotional for us i guess cos yes, we had expected to do the summit with ray in tow - but i am so glad we still got the chance to head to the top - we did it differently than expected, but i know ray was really pleased we went and had the opportunity to experience the top of australia...

occasionally in life there are events that happen, that are so overwhelmingly amazing, they can't be described succinctly ... i have arrived home finding myself in that position, how do you explain a c2k experience to someone who wasn't there? - how to put into words, all the magic of the experience ...

c2k was not what i expected. yet. everything i expected.

like with any ultra, the best of plans get left by the wayside and you find yourself having to improvise along the way, change tactics, remove preconceived ideas of how it will all pan out, and you learn to do some incredible things you would never have thought possible - quickly... when the race is not 'yours' but your role is to get a single runner to the finish line, it takes on a whole different scenario, a selflessness - that you take on with such gusto, you surprise even yourself the energy it takes, and that you find you have an abundance of. the focus is simply on making such a relentless feat as easy as possible for them.

a different way to run

well i cannot be more pleased ... :D

starting the same time as the gym challengers - so 7 weeks, 3 days ago - the final results are a little earlier than 8 weeks (hey every day counts!) ... however, as i am heading away this evening, michelle did my measurements this morning after bike
i have lost 6.6kg, and .... 18.7cms!!
w00t friggin w00t! i have struggled to reach a 10kg goal loss, though i still have another couple of weeks, my 'personal challenge' i set as 10 weeks long!!
whilst my alcohol intake leaves a lot to be desired recently, specially the past weekend :) eeek -  i HAVE worked hard for those current results! positive results, CAN only ever happen that way!

a self examination

 

there comes a time in your life
when you stop trying to escape
from your childhood

and you try to get back
what you had to give up
to make your escape.

Jonathan Harris

 
 
child abuse can take many forms. the result, of any though, is residual, into adulthood. that is a mute point. child abuse - action, behaviours or inaction by an adult towards a child or young person that harms or endangers the child's: physical, psychological or emotional health, development or wellbeing...

depression - what to say

a depressed person - ISN'T attention seeking.
a depressed person is in terrible and unceasing emotional pain, and the impossibility of sharing or articulating the pain is itself a component of the pain and a contributing factor in its essential horror.
usually, where we sit in the depths of our self despair, the pit is so deep, the place so dark, we avoid others, specially 'close' others, more than 'seek them out' ... in fact. the deeper the pit, the less likely we are for anyone to discover us at that place - the complete opposite, of 'wanting attention'

life, becomes overwhelming. everyday tasks, impossible. sometimes, continuing to breathe, is the best we can expect from ourselves

this can become very frustrating for friends or family who have never been in that place to understand, a simple 'get over it' or 'snap out of it' appears to be the solution and they can't understand why we simply dont...

same same not different



what a fresh & thoughtful idea!

 a more laid back day yesterday .. travelled up to innisfail, just to say we 'had' ...now theres a reason to travel somewhere! was going to go to the castle thing there & air walk but it was raining so much decided what we would get out of it under the circumstances wasnt worth the cost

we passed a kentucky for the millionth time, i didnt realise they were so rampant, they breed better than rabbits - storm wanted some for lunch - i dont think i have stepped foot inside a kfc in five years! yet it used to be my biggest vice - every single day after work it would be my 'reward' for getting though the stress of work ... yeah, really. it wasnt dinner - it was simply i 'earned' it cos i put up with s*** , dinner still always came later on - how i have grown - ha, or not grown!!

groundhog day

im bringing sexy back! :P

throughout our life, we have but a handful of days that i think we would like to keep repeating ... today, for me, was certainly, a groundhog day! :)
loved EVERY awesome moment of rain, of life, of adventure...
we were making it a technology free day. no phones. no tv. no electricity :) yay!

a sleep in, a lazy breakfast overlooking the beach, a bubble bath - opulent beginning ...

then off we headed to get the water taxi to dunk island - it rained. we watched dunk island disappear in cloud and then it rained more. then more. then more. then, the taxi, spookily appeared out of the mist, and in the rain, they tried to get the mobile dock set up so we could all (well, four of us) hop on board ... not too many heading over today :) given it is midweek, also another reason.

a break - always nice

well, after a couple of very loooong and late nights with the ses helping out at schoolies, storm and i hit the road to mission beach! w00t! bright and early, with a leisurely. girly road trip intended ...
capers get a lot of their fresh produce from bowen so storm wanted to show me all the farms she went to when she went with tim to do a pick up, we take a detour, and come across this sign - no work f*** off do not enter!! haha!  tempted to actually drive in but the hicks probably have a shot gun at the ready for trespassers! :) i guess its nice to know, here in north queensland, we have such friendly folk... haha
but really! what on earth would make someone put such a sign out front of their house...? lost on that for certain.
a sweet little digression also to joumala falls ...

five weeks and smilin'

five weeks to the day of  '10 week plan'. 73.2kgs. loss - 5.4kgs, another one bites the dust! :) but considering i had lost four of those in the first two weeks, egads! BUT still, leaves me with only 4.6kgs to go  ... doesn't sound much, however, the body is certainly holding on tight to every single bit of that!
but whilst i have been mindful of food, i probably havent taken enough care. and maybe even bordering on too much exercise for too little food? which is what - surprisingly - makes me gain weight more than anything else! (i never really understand the concept of how that all works) well, atop of simple old age of course which does it's fair share of contributing to the fat belly. :D trying to get the right balance though for an old fart.

i have spent less time at the gym but doing more running this past week...

sloppy!?

the start of a new week is always an unknown entity. start it right and it will take care of itself.

havent drawn a training plan up yet (still!)... but, it IS a priority on the 'to do' list ... problem being, to me, its just a tough 'to do', so it keeps getting shoved to the bottom of the pile and i do a myriad of procrastinating tasks to justify why it isnt done ... then, i just keep going out and training ad hoc. no rhyme. nor reason. nor focus.

however, i started the week....

perfecting how to put a game face on

gameface (n) (idiom) : any facial expression that conceals emotion... there are several different approaches to achieve this state of deceit.
 
new frame of mindset this morning, - well, trying :)
what people think, is of no consequence - smile. laugh. carry on. what is actually 'real', doesn't matter. how you 'feel'. doesn't matter. deceit.

last week slackened on the whole weight loss thing, i overate, i ate mars bars (courtesy of the ses! so THEIR fault :P) and chocolate honeycomb - and - ice cream! and, i under exercised. did no running bar for a run from capers to home (hoping that may have been at least 500m haha) - i did on sunday though kinda sorta run to the gym if i could have called it that but had to contend with a drunken body sleeping in a gully as i ran past and getting the police's attention as they coincidentally shortly after drove past me, was going to phone them from the gym as i couldnt figure if he was actually breathing or not but was too afraid to poke and see...
the results from such a week? my weight fluctuated every day up a hundred down a couple up etc etc... to which end, i am the same weight yesterday for the weekly result, as last saturday. so, for four weeks, 4.4kg loss.
HOWEVER ....

bul-ly [bool-ee]

noun

1. a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.
2. a person who hurts, ridicules, persecutes, or intimidates weaker people
verb (used with object)
to act the bully toward; make fun of; intimidate; domineer.
to hurt, intimidate, or persecute (a weaker or smaller person)
verb (used without object)
to be loudly arrogant and overbearing.

ive just discovered, though i guess i did know it anyways, adults, can be even bigger 'bullies' than kids ... the line, just more blurred

lest we forget

at the 11th hour

of the 11th day

of the 11th month...

we will remember them.

Lest we forget.

return injury with kindness

someone must risk returning injury with kindness.. or hostility will never turn to goodwill

well. i made a move :/ for better or worse. i hate imposing myself upon others. and not even sure what i do now....
from the beginning ... ? didnt want to go to ses. it's been a very reclusive week. when mark sent us a text about where training was, i sent one back saying i wasnt feeling very people friendly and were we actually doing any 'real' training, so it was necessary i was there, or were we just talking.... he sent me back a text straight away :/ *yeah, i dont feel very people friendly either, i will just stay home too* :(  (and he did!!)
if he only knew what my non people friendly is compared to just sarcasm ..
so. i ended up going.
guilt ridden. (i didnt know he really wasnt gonna show ...)

oprah @ the opera

sunday 7th november 2010 9:51pm
Great news! Your ticket reservation request has been selected for the December 14, 2010, Australia Morning show taping.

well. quite something?
dunno. the person i wanted to go with, cant. and storm is too young, though she would actually love to go and is bummed she isnt allowed! given she is a very mature 17 year old, i guess i can understand how she feels. i doubt oprah is gonna do or say anything that is gonna traumatize this 6months shy of being allowed to go seen it all teen - eeeek! anyone know where we can get her fake ID? hey, its airlie beach, anything is probable!
so dont have anyone to go with - an empty seat beside me! ah well.

week three glee

feeling really free today! its an awesome feeling. well, it came yesterday morning, the world is light and fluffy this weekend :D wish it could stay this way forever

got great news during the week, got my email of acceptance for cradle mt in february, they were taking soooooo long i was worrying my qualifiers werent sufficient for i was one of very few fortunate ones to actually register - it was filled within half an hour so a lot of disappointed folk again!
but im IN!!! wow! so now i really have to get trail running back up to speed, and try and work out the cold and cramp side of things so i dont face the same problems when i do it again ... maybe i can find a fridge to sit in each day in january!! anyone know one large enough to fit me! haha

plus, things are all set for ray for c2k in december, (click on ray james - he's my man! he has an incredible life story... courageous, AND inspiring!) VERY excited about that and crewing and cant believe everything is organised... plane flights, accommodation etc .....

why do we bother?

i have trained hard this past couple weeks, but the past couple days, ive actually been wondering - why.
what does it matter if we exercise or not, be it running, the gym, cycling, swimming ... anything. why do i? why do any of us? there is a whole majority population out there that sit on their backsides, doing nothing. they seem happy.
and you try and tell them what they have to do to 'lose weight', 'become healthier' etc ... and it just hits deaf ears.
15 days, i have lost 4.5kgs now ...
so what!? does it REALLY matter if i weigh 68kgs or if i weigh 120kgs? no. i am still the same person. i still dont fit in with mainstream society, regardless of my physical size. smaller, i take up less space i guess, use less oxygen.
by the government ads standards, i am classed as 'overweight' and a high risk for diabetes ... which is kind of absurd. but, standards are standards. how thin do they want us to be? ....

for, just one person

this entry, just for one person.... who may or may not, ever see/read this ... most likely the latter, but i have no other avenue that i am comfortable with for making contact today in particular, and only you, will have the understanding of that. though im sure you have a busy group of days, who knows, maybe it esp's to you ... the connection that once was...

week two - too!

The body is a big sagacity, a plurality with one sense, a war and a peace, a flock and a shepherd. 

~Friedrich Nietzsche

wow, i HAVE to be happy with the weeks results ... and am.

would be great to have measurements too ... to see where it has disappeared from, but, i guess really 4kgs isnt that much, so tape wise there probably isnt that much of a change two weeks on ... but, 6kgs to goal! sounds do'able. but not easy, i know.

my personal *challenge* is being successful - and i think i am becoming 'fitter' though i have nothing tested to actually measure that side of things against, i guess thats my downfall against the real challenge at the gym that everyone is a part of. they have a bench mark... oh well. just got to trust something is going right and each day, i train with a high intensity and challenge my body enough ...  to create change that makes for a fitter, and healthier, me
arduous work doing it on your own though  :/ you never realise how motivating support is until you dont have it anymore

week at a glance - the exercise that got me there (along with great eating!) ...

too much too soon

Our own physical body possesses a wisdom which we who inhabit the body lack. We give it orders which make no sense.

~ Henry Miller

thursday - day 12 - 74.7kg - WOW - yes! seventy four point seven!!
= loss of 3.9kilos ... 6.1 to goal. nearly half way...

exercise am 10k run  1pm plyometrics (an old one written up by michelle, and i did it hard core!!!) later pm combat felt awesome after the ply, and, felt really really strong doing it. in fact. not only strong. but clean, powerful in the jumps, nimble? is nimble a descriptive word of exercise? dunno.

but. ok. one kilo overnight? i think NOT!  i either :- ...

mackay liberation

wednesday - day 11 of operation ann - morning weight 75.7kg = loss of 2.9kilos - a loss, is a loss. im taking that 100grams! 7.1 to goal.
exercise  am xfit, treadmill (20mins), xtrainer (10mins), step pm mackay lagoon muckaround

had a super start to the day, and a wonderful day overall!!! w00t!
awake at 5, went in to do xFit, though took my boxing stuff, hadnt been able to contact tanya but figured if she showed up for boxing, i would have to do that with her and no matter how i feel, i would smile for her and not let her down, she didn't ... did xFit - seven of us today, and a TOUGH workout, once again. a couple of great plyometric exercises thrown in which i gave my all ... ply sessions have always helped my running
one, though. is one michelle used to give me, and i could never do. i think they are called (skaters?) easy, right? - just a jump from side to side, except we had the viper too we had to twist turn with! hmmm how do you explain something :) we did them in the warm up minus the viper, i couldnt do them. did them as a harder version in the sets, i still couldnt do them. once i get 'going' though, and a rhythm, im ok. its just the starting. my brain just cant figure a sideways jump! frustrating.
some great jumping stuff, ... and lots of core work.  a damn fine workout!
home for a quick breakfast before heading back in to do step. now that is hard after doing a xfit  :) LOVE it. love the pumped legs feeling! hmmm....  or the feeling they just cant do anymore, yet.... they DO!
got back to the gym a little early and did treadmill for 20 minutes of intervals then xtrainer for 10 minutes beforehand

day ten

tuesday morning - day 10 - 75.8kg = loss of 2.8kilos - keeps going downwards so thats something good right? 7.2 to goal.

exercise:
sunday 24 oct am run to gym (2.5k), 28mins xtrainer, 10 mins rower, pump, balance, run home (2.5k) pm run honeyeater trail (8km), walk just past jubilee (10k)
feeling good. rarely hungry. but eating well.

monday 25 oct am run to gym (2.5k), park - 10 x 100m sprints, combat (miss last track), run home (2.5k) pm swim 1hr, run to p.o. return, pump (in office, miss warmup and squats), step, ½hr xtrainer

depression hit during combat - what the? :/
im in the middle of doing exercise which gives me relief, everything has been going well for a couple of weeks ...  and it was like a bomb blew up my mind creating an internal armageddon and ive no idea where it came from, well, part idea, but it isnt sensical to the outside world...

forever is tough

depression ...
i hate it. i hate it so frigging much :(

week one's a winner

VERY pleased with the results of week one ... a loss
- of 2.1kgs!!!  :D

have really concentrated on getting the calories in, have not run as much as i would have liked, hit with a headache last monday and allowed myself to use that as an excuse to not run that morning, nor to do a step class later that evening, it hung around in a slightly milder dose for a couple days but been feeling pretty ok other than that...

washing woes

there is something innately embarassing about having to use a laundromat, but i'm not sure quite what it is ...
it surely could not be worse than living in a home with this contraption? now, i have seen everything! imagine, your dream, to own a home with a toilet/washing machine combo! w00t! keeping up with the joneses takes on a whole new meaning i think i will pass on

our washing machine is broken, the guy finally came today to fix it, after two weeks! however, it needs some part from lg, so, will be a while longer. we have utilised two solutions - one bad, one very bad, in the meantime :D

the 'cradle' will rock

sunday, day two, ran to the gym. did pump and balance, and ran home ... a good start. nothing 'different'. nothing 'challenging' though, i guess ... the sunburn HURT. storm got a couple of hours off again in the middle of the day. we were going to go swimming, but the sunburn was too ouch so we became a couple of couch potatoes and watched an episode of dawsons creek :D watching from the beginning again for the third time cos we finished one tree hill, for the second time ! :) yeah, surprise!! every now and again, even i do something of no value to life - cool eh!?   

at 4.30, i went and did the same walk michelle and i did yesterday, except, it was shaded ... :) and i ran many sections of it.

i had woken and weighed only 77.8, so figured a loss of 800 grams overnight, was worthy of a repeat performance. haha sometimes i dont live on planet earth :P i KNOW the rules of weight loss, but still, a nice thought to think i had actually really lost it ... :D and would do so again with a repeat performance.

10 week plan to a new ann

“happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried - for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.”

the challenge started today at the gym. i have never actually done it ... the social side of it i would not handle 'supposedly', but probably a correct assumption - specially, with some of the *******'s involved i would most likely end up simply overwhelmed and very much, the loner standing tucked away somewhere wishing i could disappear! .... im just not so great to mix with anyone at the gym, and not even really that sure why? i fit in elsewhere i go. maybe, i'm just, too .... different.

anyways, regardless my social lack - the challenge is something i could really have use for at the moment, i need to challenge my fitness levels and my physical being .... so, over the past couple days have been thinking there is no reason i can't set my own 8 week challenge. im 'supposedly good' at being my own motivator (why people actually think that though i have NO idea, i need a rocket up my a** most days! :/ but thats the image of myself ive seemingly put across \o/ )
but.

upsizing - takes over

i think i am becoming more and more at ease with the fact, that i will NEVER understand people ... nor they me ... maybe i am alien ... and maybe, that's a positive trait.

this morning, i heard the most ridiculous excuse i have ever heard in my life as a justification, to eat junk food! actually, junk food, too kind a description for purely valueless energy intake - the disbelief they said what they did, heightened as they became so vocally defensive of junk food. what the! i was honest to goodness, speechless!

we have a new mcdonalds - we already have one in our small town, seems, that isnt sufficient apparently. and to top it off, this new one, is a 24 hour one.

i guess there really mustn't be anything quite like a 2am serve of fat, sugar and salt!?? if someone could explain the satisfaction of that to me, the value of it to their life - i would be more than willing to listen, doubt, i would ever agree its necessity though ....

'k'turn nightmares

i think, if i hear the term, 'k-turn' again in my life, i will scream!
training day today - andrew and i went and did ATV training for the ses, so we can zoom around the place on a quad (or the six wheeler) should it ever be needed ... :)
gonna start at 8 but he msged me to say they wanted us there instead at quart after 7 ... i had boxing with tanya at 6 so i got him to pick me up at the gym after class ...

HARD!
i thought we had a day of fun to come, cos i thought they were easy to learn/control/play with .... haha - dont know what dream cloud i was living under :D

rainy days and s(f)un days

If you go into a forest with your mind only, you'll only notice the sounds and the mind will try to interpret them. You might think you're present; but you're not really, you're simply judging what you hear. But if you become aware of the silent dimension underneath the sounds and in between the sounds, then you become present because... the moment you become aware of the silence, you also have become silent ... Eckhart Tolle

what a wonderful few days away i have had ...
plant powered camp, vegan camp, running camp
call it what you may, it was just incredibly cool - even literally! ok. no. literally, it was FREEEEEEEEEEZING!!! and rainy. but, it was the BEST.

for me, a week, but the actual camp was friday through to monday ... left to brisbane wednesday, then to sydney thursday morning ...

view photos here

blue mountains bliss

well. a SUPER start to the morning. its gonna be a magnificent week!

didnt get to bed till 2 and was up at 5 - sooooooo tired but made my tail get out of bed and went and did xfit at the gym - man oh man, i have not so wanted to throw up like that in the longest time, it was tough. :D yay! awesome workout. felt so alive afterwards and so awake. today was the first so, hopefully some others join in and it has some longevity cos i would like to keep challenging myself with it

jan took video of us all which i wasnt even aware of  ... thought it was just happy snaps which i am already bothered by because im not so sure i need to see my body twisted or moving into grotesque shapes and positions! ...  *view*

awaiting the day ...

…and the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom…

Anais Nin.

time to blossom...

missing a vital element

don't dwell on who let you down, cherish those who hold you up!
lost my trainer.
now, therapy ma'am announces, she is leaving. 8 october. :( double whammy. who leaves next? arent things in threes?...
if its someone else with influence in my life, im about done for...
my wall, which i have allowed to be slowly broken down bit by bit over the past couple years, is going back up, mighty fast, and stainless steel this time! NEVER let people *in*.... never let them be close... lessons i learned so very long ago, but i momentarily lost sight of ...
i won't, again.
*people.* :( not sure there is any who 'holds me up' so, guess, i dont have to 'cherish' anyone ....

its been a very haphazard couple of weeks training, but, - good ones nonetheless ... im not good without it actually planned and written out where i basically tick the boxes as i go along ... but, i guess its something i need to get used to, and make it happen as best i can ...

helicopter h(ell)uva day

the whitsunday great walk ... race! didnt run it, but headed in as part of the ses to help out - placed at bloodwood checkpoint with sue and ben, lovely company
boy oh boy was i petrified at the thought of heading onto the helicopter though. we had to meet at the airport at 6.30am, andrew was picking me up and he was late, two ses carloads went past while i waited out front of my place for him, each stopping, but i said i would wait ... when he got here, he said they cant leave without us :)

at the airport, was a waiting game anyways, as we went through briefing and sorting where everyone was to go etc... there were three lots of us going in on the helicopter to various points, the others either at the race beginning/end etc, me ben and sue, were the second 'helicopter' group.
while i was actually excited to see where i train from the air, it would have been MUCH cooler had i been able to run into it ... all i could keep thinking was its only 8k from the airlie beach end, i would arrive in there before them if i had started when we headed to the airport anyways! :D

when the helicopter took the first group off, my heart - !! woah was it ever beating fast ... i just remember everyone saying to me how cool it was going to be and i would love it - then talking crashes!! ha, and thinking, 'just breathe, just breathe' :)

glasshouse amazement

"how is everything going?"
"well, ive got bad news and ive got good news. i'll give you the bad news first: we're lost"
"we're lost? And what's the good news?
"we're making VERY good time!"




an amazing weekend, i could not feel more happy, or high, than i am right now ...

pre race 'le tour' - friday september 10
a long overnight drive down to the sunshine coast through thursday night saw me arrive right on quarter after ten to meet for the pre race tour ... everyone was being placed in cars ready to drive to a few checkpoints and check out once again some of the places we will be running ... given my lack of directional prowess and my enormous ability to end up lost even on my regular trails! an important time for me to take in as much as i possibly could!! placed in a car with david who knows every nook and cranny of the area a blessing, and andrew, paul and glen!

unfortunately, rain, cut us short. but quickened our speed to the pub for lunch and a drink :) on the way david kept trying to assure me that despite the rain - the mud and wet would dry up by the morning, - while the rain pelted down on us and the cars couldnt get through?!! ha! uh huh

the excitement begins

well, my bags are packed, im ready to go (im standing here outside your door i hate to wake you up to say gooood bye ... LOVE that song, though its sad)
ha! i have checked rechecked, rechecked, and then rechecked oh, and rechecked again - my back pack and my checkpoint bags .... now, its just a waiting game to hear back from hamilton island, send a job to the printers, then im ready to head!

tranquility arrives

today, i awoke, with a real peace about me ... like, there is no emotion involved. and its such a gentle, and beautiful feeling. i dont feel happy, i dont feel sad. i dont feel empty. i dont feel angry. i dont feel negative. i dont feel positive.
i just feel. me.

relaxed. and at peace.

nothing matters, except for me. and im about to leave, and escape life, and escape people, and run.
just simply, run.
that's all i have to do. and i have worked months for this weekend. i deserve it to be a grand weekend.
and i can use all the emotion that will come between now, then, and especially while there and feeling alone, to run, the very best i ever have. and the only person, who i need to be proud of me. is me.

thats all that matters.

im strong. im determined. im independent. and, im gonna fly this weekend...

\o/ care

saturday 4 september 2010. around 8.30am. the most AMAZING moment of my life.
i did ONE GOOD thing in my life - i helped save a life
tuesday 7 september 2010. around 11.30am. yet another disappointing moment of my life.
i am not wanted, once again... and tossed on the too hard pile, by the one, i REALLY thought would never give up ... - bad luck i am human :/ *on your side forever* - forever doesnt last very long ...

up, then down. always... i was SO happy saturday morning ...

today, there was no opportunity to explain really, for, i never had the words. certainly not the right ones. but nor, was it my choice. i understand people need to protect themselves from me. it was unexpected, yet, not unexpected.

i have cried so much the past few days, there are no tears anymore. i have just spent the afternoon in bed, laying there, numb. trying to think of all that was said... replay rejection.
life is too hard. i dont have answers. but yet no tears would come.

when will someone understand us? us? - US? when will i get to meet someone like me ....? i cant be the only one who feels like i do, or is as horrible a person as me to others ... i do NOT like, that i am not nice ...

i have no energy to work.
i have no energy to exercise.
i have no energy to eat.
i have no energy to think.
i struggle to breathe.

but the one that frightens me the most.
i have no energy to care. :(

i want something, to make me care.


"i wanted to tell someone today what i did
share there was goodness in me
but then i remembered
there was noone to listen" ........................... me. 04/09/10

a depressed mind

i am pushing people away :/ i SO dont want to, i cant think, there is one person that likes me at the moment ... but i cant stop it... all im doing is arguing with people, saying horrible things and pretty much telling them to f*** off or to leave me alone. and they are
:(
i dont *really* want that.
but its done. and i cant change the damage i have created. i am nasty.

... i really just hate me. exactly like everyone else.

none

and now ... the afternoon, everything changed again ... and i was SO happy, and just wanted to share that happiness with someone .... god i am just friggin stupid for attempting to, and asking

please god i dont know why i asked... desperation for a human that i care about, to share the best thing i have ever done in my life .... ? \o/ the ONE good thing
i dont expect it to negate the bad i have done ... but i hope, it helped a little ... oh i so wanted to tell someone i AM a good person when i can actually see it for the first time,,, .... just a half an hour of theirs ... - i dont know what i was thinking to imagine they would say yes... but im sick to my stomach that i asked, and i hope one day they forgive me for doing so.... i was wrong.
but please somehow make everything be ok - i hate that people have to know me.... they didnt ask for that intrusion or that burden upon their lives .... :( please help give me strength to get out -

i think, my finger slipped off, the bottom rung :(

miracle at airlie beach

i hope. something happens. that brings me to life again. <- OMG it happened.... today, we saved a life. that. is a miracle. a miraculous story. the guy was missing in the scrub for five days! our team, david, ben and myself were the ones who were in the zone where he was so came across him - david thought he was dead, but then his fingers moved ... and he and i sat with him, till others came to help us get him out, the terrain, overgrown, we had already been fighting it while searching, and had to get the floodboat and many people, through the overgrowth  ....
probably - the most miraculous day of my life. the things that happened. the things we witnessed. the things we did. the smells .... none of today, will ever be forgotten. really, a miracle.

everyone deserves to live, no matter who they are. even him. i hope. in time. he sees that. and it changes his life. i hope. he can smile again. *blessings*

it woke me up.

seven days

i would have to say, it hasnt been my grandest week in a long while ...

7 days, till glasshouse. this evening, even though ive been backwards and forwards for so long .. i decided, finally, to only do the 100km and emailed ian. i feel very disappointed with myself. i know i am capable. i am fit. i have run more kilometres this past few weeks i think than for any other race i have ever done. i've been pleased on the most part of the running i have been doing. the quality of it. the fun of it. in fact, its the one thing ive been pretty sure of myself about. my training. has been good.

perfunctory. nice word.

7,039,761,524

thats the amount of people in the world.
take away me. take away my children.
thats leaves 7,039,761,521 humans ... yet i feel so alone...
that's seven billion, thirty-nine million, seven hundred and sixty one thousand, five hundred and twenty one people, i have no attachment with.
not a single one, of that number, who would choose to spend time with me ....
thats says quite something about the person i am ....

three hours sleep. a demon night. 5.30am. run to the gym. best run ever, time wise.
11 minutes, 41 seconds. not a huge achievement compared to other runners, but, for me - i am pleased. i have wanted to push myself under 12 minutes for a long time ... i want to tell someone. but even if i had been given that opportunity, its not even very important to tell anyways. time wasting. most of what i speak is.

bike class. perfunctory.

mournful monday

"of course you are allowed someone but not just anyone"

the words reverberate.. they feel so very hurtful...
the world is closing in around me and i seem to be having fewer days for relief in
between the dark ones ... :/

today, i went to *******
i had little to express. no words. as normal, i was asked to write.
i had to write *what do 'i' want for me*
i could not think of anything i wanted. but then, i did.
i wrote, and wrote.

but it was my first sentence apparently got their attention and focus

what do i want? for me? the only thing i could think of - that is speaking the truth ... i want to go sleep and never wake up, and i want, for everyone
who knows me, to be ok with that ... and be accepting ...

rut roh! WRONG answer!!!

conversation with friend

him: how are you doing?
        me: hangin
        pause.
        me: 2 weeks till my next race
        pause
        me: trying to be everything other people want me to be
him: ah, hard to be that and you at the same time
        me: uh huh
        me: i arent very 'me' at all
him: that could become 'you' if you're not careful

simple. concise. correct.

chocolate

i want to go to the supermarket

i want to buy some chocolate. any chocolate.

i want someone to see me. someone i know. preferably someone, who knows me well, not just by sight.

i want them to say 'hey ann, what the hell are you doing?!"

and i want to look them in the eye, and answer, "i'm buying chocolate"

yes - just like living in paradise

i started the day grandly with a run at shute harbour. i went to do the stairs, did them once, then a km run - did it ten times. hard work, but MUCH easier than the 5 stairs 3km run combo ....


then home for brekky, and to begin
a most awesome day
with a most awesome daughter
in paradise.

the weather couldn't have been more perfect.

walking, swimming and snorkelling on the great barrier reef

walked down to the marina ready to leave ... we know the owner so if ever they have spare seats and the boat is going out, we are allowed to head out, for free ... havent done it in a couple of years though... so when we got there, the guy (shannon) was looking up our names, then saw beside them FOC - ooooh he said, you must be friends of the owner? yes i said, OH - you are spies!!! we were treated royally for the day :)

successful run

completed :)

54kms, done and dusted!

REALLY pleased with how i went and how i felt doing it, and feeling ready... a little sore right now though :) (this too shall pass!!)

went past a friends after, was hoping to head out on their charter tomorrow and do some snorkelling on the barrier reef (awesome recovery!?! but also storm asked friday night if we could) jumped in their pool while there, her suggestion, and man that felt GREAT on the legs!! have stretched. done all i can :) now. its just a relaxing eve - me and the election coverage (ugh!) oh, and BED!! storm at a friends tonight so going to try and sleep early so i dont worry so much :)

great training week

a good week, training wise. yayayay! feeling great. total running - 110kms. well, that will include tomorrow as well. so, only 56kms so far!

sunday 15 august: rest day.
am run to gym • pump • balance • run home
pm coral beach - walk - 4km
ok, that wasnt quite a 'rest' day .. but the afternoon, already written of, relaxing, which makes it ............ simply, restful. :) bliss.

hi, hi, hi, beautiful su-unday

spider webs every where, the air thick with butterflies, the sky solid blue with narry a cloud .. life, in winter, really couldnt be better could it!

a glorious day!
ran to the gym, did pump and balance, did the 40/40 on the trx, only one extra push up to friday, no extra on the pull ups - man they are TOUGH! soooo 15/21 - ran home ... nice start., it is 'rest day' :)

crocodiles with leery smiles

a couple of good runs today ... when it all come down to it, thats what ive got to be concentrating on right now... only 4 weeks till glasshouse 100m

ran out at kingfisher in the morn, coral beach in the afternoon. croc sightings so the warning signs were out, made me a bit on edge, the place was dry as a bone though ... my mind went everywhere when i realised i actually knew little about crocs and where they lived or what they could do ...

morning conversation with storm when i headed out and she was going to be at work before i got home ....

"running at coral this afternoon, when i ran out at shute harbour thursday and ran past the entrance, the croc signs were out, can humans outrun crocs?"
"mummy, what do YOU think?!"

trx with jan

tough workout - first time on the trx

friday the 13th, to boot!

the culmination of a few weeks of awkwardness and misunderstanding ... but now, its done.

and i enjoyed it. :/ very much.

i shouldnt have to feel bad, or guilty, for that...
should i?

the feeling of 'alive'

goodness gracious about time
training - MUCH more successful - i feel like breath has come back into me, and, with only 4 weeks until glasshouse, it is time to really up the ante, i cant afford anymore downers between now and then

after an internalised hissy fit tuesday morning where my body fought with the bed, obnoxiously refusing to run and go to bike, a very unusual happening regardless of how i 'feel', and a day of bleh at myself and life, tuesday evening, it started to turn around ... i went and did balance before heading to ses
ses - w00t w00t! after 11 months of being in it, all the training, the cyclone work, the s& r for the drowned guy at bowen, all in second hand gear - i have FINALLY got *MY* own uniform :) yayayay - a big huge plastic santa claus bag of orange, no more hand me downs for me! - overalls and a two piece and t-shirts and wet weather gear and helmet and cap and glasses and gloves and .......................... no boots still. darn :) well, at least i will look 'brand new' ankles upwards, and thats a large percentage of body coverage eh!

the battle

One evening a Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside of us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

the pit

my body is not feeling very normal today

my energy levels are at an all time low

i keep getting shaky, really piss weak i cant lift a muscle shaky ... hopefully, just the aftermath of the sugar rush junk food i fed it ...

hypocritical oxymoron that i am

i am down in the pit again, im not even sure exactly what that means, its a term kerrin or michelle use, 'youre in the pit' 'get out of the pit' ... that they learnt at a fitness seminar i think (?) ...
fits, when i am in the doldrums, (mayhaps?)
i kind of get it. im in a hole. a deep deep hole - no way to escape. and kerrin will yell at me to get myself on the 'friggin first rung' of the ladder ...
how do i EVER explain, to anyone, its that first rung, i can never find ....

2am wonderment

These spiritual window-shoppers,
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking.
They handle a hundred items and put them down, shadows with no capital.

What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping.
But these walk into a shop,
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment, in that shop.

tough afternoon

left pump, after one track, warm up. im really screwed up ... not that anyone cared about it or was in any wonderment as to the reasons why i left \o/
not even my trainer ... THAT, actually, says a lot .... :((

sometimes surviving... is the only living i can do

the best laid plans

oftenatime, i forget what i enjoy.

today, i was reminded of it.

things werent quite to plan, but got a great run in despite of.

slept in, but didnt get to bed till 1, woke, and it was NINE O CLOCK!!!
oh well, change plans but they werent concrete, in fact, i hadnt really known how to pull off what i had to do anyways ...
was spose to do the great walk, starting at brandy creek obviously across to airlie ... but the one person i feel comfortable enough to ask to give me a lift to the beginning of it ... so i can just run it once across from brandy creek end, is, not in my life anymore. well. told him to leave me alone. that was 12 days ago. so far, that has now worked, though in the past it hasnt. so to ring him up, and ask for a lift, moreso, knowing he most likely would, is very wrong of me...

therefore, stranded.

the person you now, are

and hansel said to gretel, " let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things"

this year i lost my way, and losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.

the best daughter in the world

my day, wasnt very flash - the morning, a shocker
storm got stuck into me about how rude i was, to michelle, to the people on the road, in the supermarket ... while still at the gym she said to me when we get home, i am going to bed to SLEEP (this is at 11.30am, bless her cotton socks) and she is closing the door and i aint coming out till bedtime ! ha
but, michelle had said i was flat too. i was different from tuesday morning ???? well, she has been away for a week and just got back, we spoke before bike tuesday morning very briefly - simply polite conversation, not informational - i havent seen her since then until our training session this morning, we did weights, its not really a im at the circus watching the clowns laughing time .. and - ive changed? i arent really sure how she figured that out from so little to go by .... \o/
i was feeling happy as far as i had knew ....

some days ... just suck

people -

win win

today, was a good news day ....
had appt with specialist at the hospital, room and all this time! and, she checked me out thoroughly, top of head to tip of toe, inside and out ... and given me a 'you can train again' result .... :D
though i have been anyways, its nice having it official and approved.

oh my aching butt

coral beach was open today :) yay -

i am feeling very sore - not really fully sure why .... over the weekend i trained really well,

saturday ran at the great walk and kingfisher - 20k's ... beautiful as always, the area. was spose to run 22k so cut it short by 2 as my back really ached ( an excuse?) ... went to the gym and did a really good stretch afterwards and threw in just a couple of weights cos i was there. afternoon was heading out on the localvore tour so knew it was a lazy afternoon/evening ahead. felt a little muscle tired, but not really super sore or anything.

danger will robinson

coral beach STILL closed .... :/

so, did the stairs 14 times (OUCH) then came back to do mt rooper - twice - the first time, i got lost!!! hell i dont know how but ... well. it's me, it's possible apparently ...

countless times i have run it, both directions, it is, quite overgrown at the moment, only grasses though, all the cyclone damage has been cleared .. just long tickly grass, well, actually, probably some form of plant, not like green lawn - anyways, running, discovered myself thinking it was even more overgrown than last week, questioning, stopping, looking, no, im still on the trail, it is still ok - a few times ... then came across a landslide - well, that explained what was wrong ... there's been a landslide since last week!! way across the other side, i could just make out what i thought was the trail again, so, precariously, i made my way across, careful of every footfall, for it sure didnt look safe, and also thinking, i must call the council and let them know .... across the worst of it, the trail, still overgrown, i could (ha really?!) make it out!

i become a judas

*change the habit of thinking, visualising and talking unlucky *

spose that could also end with the word - negatively.

today, a bummed out day, not even any exercise, which is normally the cure, could lift me from my self imposed doldrums :( i dont know where they came from ...

ran to gym, walked most of it with a million conversations going on in my head of all i had to do and say, it sucked, did balance, it sucked, ran home without a word to anyone, left via the aerobics room door so noone saw me, it sucked.
worked, emails out to schools, tons of them. that part easy, a robotic task.. business card design. couldnt get anything looking good. sucked.
back to gym in the afternoon. only good thing of that was storm came too... which was good for her.

hiding a body can be difficult

my horoscope says: "Don't leave anything to the last minute today - there are likely to be rewrites, detours and dramatic changes of direction that shock everyone and take them completely by surprise. Digital and electronic devices are unstable and communication is erratic."
thats hilarious - apt - i have just been and hidden a 'body' part way up mt rooper, we (SES) are 'searching' for it tonight, and what are we using? walkie talkies, and gps's (thats the goal if people turn up) - let's see how the communication goes then eh! and, cos i had to hide it later in the day, i left my training run till days end too, and when i went to run, the trail i was doing was closed, *danger* signs everywhere (what the!) so had to go do another instead, i like things planned ... ah yes, detours, dramatic changes... horoscopes. dont leave anything to the last minute. bit late, the advice.

so, my day?

proud of me

ok, i love my life right now - it is, finally, full of only the most wonderful people i can imagine - and for that i can but only be, the luckiest

i ran into people last night by chance as i headed for a late night dessert, that until i left work a couple months ago, i thought were friends - was surprised to discover, apparently not - but, that's life eh :)
it was a huge faceslap
for all that is happening, i have worked hard and i DO deserve the results - workwise and personal - and, the only people who touch my life with any influence, all have some sort of amazingly positive strengths that rub off and bring happiness to me
they, are the ones who count.... hopefully, i recipricate many blessings back to them too somehow ....

i dont need those who dont like 'the more confident me' - whatever their reasons - to create any negativity. i allowed last night to bum me momentarily, but pulled myself together quickly ....
i am, a new me. and i am proud, finally, of the person i am becoming, slow as the changes are. they have been decades of years in the making.

about time.

gorgeous run

really really REALLY enjoyed running today, better than any trail i have run lately, and certainly better than 'anything road' :) i felt like i was home.

i am always astounded why there isnt tons of others wanting to get out there and feel the amazement and beauty of running on a trail too.

i did some stair training first out at shute harbour - 90 stairs, 10 times up and down, 1800 steps! - haven't done THAT in months! - by 7 and 8, legs were like jelly, was going to stop, superly glad i didnt - pushed myself hard for the last couple, so shows we ARE capable of more than we know - i AM capable of pushing myself more than i do... probably for most everything. when i finished and was stretching, it was a MIGHTY fine feeling - and by the time i got in the car to head to the trail beginning, they felt strong and ready to run again.

running starts again

yesterday - the iron shots, dr decided to go against what the pharmacist said, even after asking him specifically, but thats ok. and better. double dose every friday. and only three weeks to see how it goes! thats do'able. nurse was going to give it to me, then, because i was in with him, she had someone else with some hour long procedure arrive, so dr had to do it - he didnt want to :) ahhhhhhh the life of a dr - but he didnt have choice, so, butt - jabbed. energy - is on its way. fingers crossed, cos it friggin well HURT and still hurts!

so this evening, i headed off for my first 'run'
5km - the goal - w00t :D but it's a trial to see how i do
the day was good, i did no exercise in the morning at all, in fact, woke relatively late
so, fresh to run. goal, to the gym and return.
and, i did it!
i was so extremely happy - ok, it wasnt 'easy' and it was 'only 5k' but, i did it. a couple of hills, and a stop right near the end, i wish i hadnt stopped, but - it wasnt about dizziness or head spinning or anything to do with energy levels at all. i felt fantastic, i just couldnt get my lungs to get a good breath, and that was after a downhill, which makes it worse cos i was 'recovered' from the uphill slog, anyways, did it though, which was the important thing and was ECSTATIC! hopefully, improvement comes