why do we bother?

i have trained hard this past couple weeks, but the past couple days, ive actually been wondering - why.
what does it matter if we exercise or not, be it running, the gym, cycling, swimming ... anything. why do i? why do any of us? there is a whole majority population out there that sit on their backsides, doing nothing. they seem happy.
and you try and tell them what they have to do to 'lose weight', 'become healthier' etc ... and it just hits deaf ears.
15 days, i have lost 4.5kgs now ...
so what!? does it REALLY matter if i weigh 68kgs or if i weigh 120kgs? no. i am still the same person. i still dont fit in with mainstream society, regardless of my physical size. smaller, i take up less space i guess, use less oxygen.
by the government ads standards, i am classed as 'overweight' and a high risk for diabetes ... which is kind of absurd. but, standards are standards. how thin do they want us to be? ....
no matter how much i lose, i am not 'petite' and never will be, so, will never fit within their guidelines of being 'healthy' ... never get below their 'measurements' which dictate to them that which pertains to meet their criteria. and if i dont fit them? my friggin goodness
living in a world dictated by what we look like, what we do, who we are and where we go, can be truly exhausting at times.... and, we ARE judged, by society, no matter what we think - others will look at us, we look at them, and in just a glance we are summed up, we sum people up ... we judge others as healthy or not healthy, fat or skinny, tall or short, happy or sad, good or bad, rich or poor, tasteful/distasteful, worthy or unworthy ... instantly ... why? based on what? arent we just all 'humans'? all equal? all as important as one another? why do we all criticise one another based on such little information .. why do groups of people sit around judging those of a minority ...
i am seen as 'weird'? by whose standards am i different to others? i rarely wear shoes, and often even go to the shops barefooted, imagine the judgemental thoughts people have on that one! yet, i am the same person as when i go into the shops with shoes on my feet. (reminds me of the song 'signs' - how apt, even in todays world)

And the sign said "long haired freaky people, needn't ought apply
So I tucked my hair up under my hat, and I went in to ask him why
He said "you look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you'll do"
So I took off my hat, I said "imagine that, huh, me working for you!"

the message out there towards health and fitness, good foods, bad foods, what to eat, what not to eat, 'power' foods, how much exercise to do each day, etc ... it has become as erratic as religion. and as quickly, ever changing. everyone has there own beliefs on what is right or wrong. there are as many doctrines as there are diets! dont follow, dont belong. its like hitting your head against a brick wall trying to get people to see that to look after themselves, health wise, is important. so, why do i bother with mine? i cant reach anyone else and make them see. people, dont care. yet, they are happy. they are socially interactive. they are enjoying life. they are surrounded by laughing happy smiling friends and family. i am not. so im actually the one doing it all wrong. so, comes back to the question. why bother? :/

yesterday, i didnt train at all. :( i slept, a lot. sleeping, is simple. yesterday, particularly so.
made a tough day, easier to get through.
i didnt know you could simply lay down, anytime, and fall asleep so easily.... and when you wake up, time, lots of time, has passed....
maybe years of non sleep are catching up.
today, i have only just awoken. 10 o clock. the day, almost over. well, i did have to get up at 5 and take storm to work, melbourne cup day ... they are expecting 280 people so all chefs are hands on deck and prepping early for the day ahead and she is so excited, as she gets to go out front to carve and serve ... she is good with people. she can talk so well, to anyone, any age, any race, any doctrine, any size ... and is incredibly mature in her outlook. hence, why she will be out there ... hard to believe i am her mother.

when i came home though, i did consider for a moment running to the gym and doing bike and balance, it made me knotted in my stomach and my hairs stand on end even thinking about going, well, mostly, walking in the door :(  so, succumbed to my weaknesses and went back to bed... next thing i know, its 10. dont have to think about what to do now, i think the gym closes early today for mcd. and i sure dont feel like heading out there to run. it will be a bedlam day out there. even if i had any energy...
eat? maybe i could go to the shop and get something simply delicious, and just eat. except that would mean getting dressed. but. i could eat anything. everyone today, will be out there drinking in excess, shoving down food, ... why cant i? exactly. there is NO real reason, why i cant be like them ... i dont have to mix with people, just go to the shop, get junk, and come home and shovel it in ...

i miss.... having a trainer. the feelings of such a loss havent lessened, i was hoping over time, they would. its just getting tougher .... i am haphazard in what i do. sporadic. no rhyme nor reason to anything. not a huge concern i guess right now, for i seriously, just cant be bothered. ... i havent talked to anyone about how i feel, but, noone would understand anyway - to them, its nothing, to them, i dont 'need' a trainer  :/. ... yet, its hurting me so much ... and i cant get out of this spiral downwards ... to me, a trainer, was important to my whole week.

the solution would appear to be, just, find another trainer? not that simple ...
at the gym, there is noone else that would take me on. i can't change gyms as that would be incredibly disloyal... extremely rude and not something i could do .... and, i dont know how else to find one. not someone 'good' at any rate. trainers these days are on every street corner and a dime a dozen.. there is seemingly less and less requirements to getting a 'certificate' for anything in the fitness industry ... i need a professional trainer, experienced - one, who actually is TRULY passionate about what they do and who knows what they are talking about  ... and, can sort me, into some sort of sensible routine  ... i am screwed without routine, the past couple of weeks, proving it.

its getting harder and harder to make myself actually go to the gym though .. i should be proud of myself when i do, knowing what it takes for me to front up and walk in the door - but, i am losing interest. rapidly. its so much easier to 'not go' ... then i dont have to see people, nor they me, and i dont have to deal with my obvious failure as a human.
i dont know why i bother running. i will never be good at it. and
i dont know why i have a weight loss goal. i will always see myself fat, no matter what my size ... ive tried for three years of 'maintenance' to see myself differently, and, i have the government telling me i am fat, anyways.

i want to smile. im trying, i REALLY am ...
i just want to smile again ...