why do we change

i don't get, that life changes for people when they get a boyfriend or girlfriend? how everything you believed isn't important anymore? the saying is true, we become who we hang out with. my daughter has gone from an active girl, riding her bikes everywhere,going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, and really eating for nutrition for 90% of the time to a guy glued to her side, getting taxied around everywhere by him, not going to the gym, laying in bed watching tv with him eating chocolate and ice cream. and you can no longer get a conversation in  without his ears listening too. :/ and she says nothing has changed. ? ! :(

hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

someone.

ive reached out, to as many people. as i can feel comfortable to try to reach. to ask. for help. ... but. they are all busy. what can they do, anyway? really? noone can change where my headspace is ...
and i know when i am like this, i am hard work. i bring people down. i know it. so i understand why they cant be there for me. in my negative way. ive got to get better. before they want to know me. before. life isnt too busy to spend time with me.
i really. dont know. what to do. or how to cope. i dont know. how do some people get help, how do some people have others help them if they are _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ? and some of us. cant.

i dont know, how to be the me, people want me to be. or. how to be the me, they think, i am.

i dont like where i am living. i dont think i do. i dont know. maybe its a good place. maybe if i sorted everything it wouldnt be so bad ....
i dont like, being alive. but i know i have to stay here. and that. just makes me sadder. as much for others. that touch my life. i know, if i were gone, things would be better for them. less problematic. cos i am eliminated from their list of \o/, dont know, list of what. i dont KNOW, what i am, that others, arent. i dont know, how you get someone to care about you.
i have a ton of people that say they are 'there for me'. where are they, when i need them? busy. cos its a busy life. of course.

i wish society. could embrace depression, as they would, if someone had cancer. .... i wish. someone. could just understand. \o/

* what can they do? sometimes, it just helps, being in the presence, of someone. anyone. and sometimes. just an acknowledgement .. that they are cared for. loved. needed.
wanted?

no title

not doing so well .... depression so sucks the energy out of you - four weeks since i have moved, i still sit, surrounded by boxes, with their remnants spewing out their sides from when i search for things, ... i know i have to clear them all, empty them, put things way.
i need. to keep me safe.... i wish, i didnt want to :/

i hate. depression.

pits

so after knowing the past few days i have become such a burden to so many who i know care, today, and unsure how, but i was able to get hold of psyche and she saw me straight away due to a cancellation, .. it was such a relief ... i cant turn anymore to anyone i know. im not sure, people understand that. nor. that they know. but. it is how it is.

storm. has been home. after yesterday telling her i would be at work from 5.30am until 8am, and if she needed to come home and get stuff with out having to run into me, thats the time to come...

she did. :(

then decided to send me a text ....
* mummy i love you so much, i tried to come see u but had no time im going to bias's for a bit, im turning my phone off so im just away from the world, when i turn it back on you'll be the first person i text. im sorry for the way ive been acting and treating you but right now whats best for me is to just get away love you heaps and im sorry xoxo *

for. :/ what the hell am i suppose to say to that . i didn't say anything. ive absolutely no energy inside me to get myself moving let alone try to deal anymore with the past few days ... i can only. switch myself off. from caring. about anything.
had no time? yet. her work shoes sat in the middle of the bench, she has grabbed clothing, so, she HAS been home. ... i think she made a mistake. mummy, i can only come home when  you're NOT around.

:/

sometimes life is just about surviving ... it's about all we have the energy to do ... no thinking. no excess. sometimes. i have such an excess, surviving, is difficult. its where i find myself right now :/

and all i can think about. is being dead. and the peace it will bring :( no more pain. no more hurt. no more, to be punished for ... and i would be, forgiven. because, if people are dead, you care about them right and forgive all the bad things that they did ?....

if only i could go through with it .... what a joy i would give ... to so many.

i can only be sorry, to those, that have the unfortunate role of having to deal with me. i really. am.

sorry,

qotd

"Reading is the sole means by which we slip, involuntarily, often helplessly, into another's skin, another's voice, another's soul." -- Joyce Carol Oates

waitng for the blossom

**you will blossom...
a flower starts deep under the dirt and has to fight against gravity in the darkness before finally breaking free and opening its bloom to the sun... you may feel like you're in darkness and everything around you is muddy, but keep pushing toward the light and when the time is right, you will burst into blossom... **

absolute

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself."

~Harvey Fierstein

understanding depression

everything. is miserable. im fake. hypocritical. i go out into the world and i have an appearance of...? everything i am not. and it's tiring. this week, has been the most tiring week in years. the last seven days, the worst since i have lived in the whitsundays.
people, can be ungrateful. you give everything you have, leaving nothing for yourself but a banged up body, and , really, for what? * they would have made it out * ?  i will remember those words the next time we are called out for a search and rescue, and the ungratefulness of people, who are simply. lost.
my body is just covered in bruises and bites. i dont think there is a single section in it i havent fallen on hard against a rock, and. thats part of what i love. i just hate,. that not a single person, has texted called phoned to see, how i am. shows. the amount of friends i have :/
emotionally. i havent coped with it at all. physically. bruises and bangs, will heal. im not. cut out for it obviously. so.

wakeup shakeup

de·fi·ance : noun [dih-fahy-uhns]
1. a daring or bold resistance to authority or to any opposing force.
2. open disregard; contempt
3. a challenge to meet in combat or in a contest.

been to combat, so i HAVE embraced the day ... woke with 15 minutes to dress and get there ... nothing like a combat wake n'shake to get the body moving!

now ... studying with soft wooly polka dot jammy pants, wooly dressing gown overtop, long wintry socks and beanie on, curtains closed to keep some warmth in  ...
egads!!!! something is wrong with this picture for a public holiday!

what, i want

oh. my. god.. yes! wish list.

"the freedom and sensation of barefoot running but the grip of an all conquering off trail shoe, incredibly light and responsive, the *baregripTM 200* delivers. uniquely the ZERO arrow shoc zone does not have a mid sole so all the natural power and speed of the foot is transferred directly through the shoe. the closest you can get to barefoot running in a harsh off road trail environment"

hey you

hey you, YOU!!
sheltered life girl

do you know how it feels
to be raped
when you're nine
again and again
day after day, night after night??

hey YOU
I'M TALKING TO YOU
do you know what its like
when at seven
you're no longer
daddy's princess - cos daddy's dead

lost

it hasn't. reached out. many directions. noone free. \o/

want to just curl up in bed and stay there.
maybe tomorrow, things improve. right? i so wish i could believe that. :(

...

i am full of nothingness
and i am unsure what is stopping me from being swallowed whole by my sadness... :(

the past few days, i have tried to reach out to many people. just to chat. to feel. not quite so empty feeling ... everyone is busy. it's the world we live in. a state of hectic busy'ness.

feeling friendless. feeling. very alone.

it has not been a good week. it's been draining. tiring. exhausting. it isnt improving.
tomorrow. i shall try again. reach out, and see - if anyone is free for the contact, i silently yearn :/

my mum...

the loss of a mother to a daughter is the essential female tragedy

adrienne rich... of woman born

some days, you just have to get through... as best as you can.
mothers day, definitely one of them :/ it never gets easier no matter how long she has been dead... \o/
however, the beginnings of todays was spent unexpectedly in a search and rescue over at hayman island from midnight... the afternoon, then spent. with lots of sleep. a quick way of getting through it. filled.
sleep. is good.

wintermoon (un)w00t

a dose of music, a dash of wine and
merryment the combo is SUPPOSED to make?

hindsight: noun. [hahynd-sahyt]
recognition of the realities, possibilities, or requirements of a situation, event, decision etc., AFTER its occurrence. 
should have gone and done the hilly half. hindsight? ALWAYS the best teacher. ah well.

eeyore. my favourite winnie the pooh character. i relate to eeyores dragging mood and never moreso reminded than today, of how eeyore like i am  :(

honeyeater heaven

(why? because.)
met up with michelle this morn to head up honeyeater - oh my, it was at its brilliant best for us - despite a little overgrown at the beginning, we were privvy to the most beautiful sun coming through the overhead canopy with the mist in the air, creating just a magic about it ... why does everyone not want to witness this early in the morning!?!
a beautiful start ... and nice to catch up of course too...

great walk - opens!



this is the MAINTAINED trail?! - yeah, really!


a GREAT easter run today ...
discovered the great walk was re-opened on the 21st .. so decided to head in and do it :)
the goal? to run under four hours ...

went to the gym, did pump and balance first, lined up with kerrin to give me a lift back to pick up my car at brandy creek after i had completed it in the afternoon, then, headed home to spend a little time with storm before she went to work ...

sushi experience

sushi? woah!

the surprise arrival of tobias for easter has made my week!
storm has known for three weeks the little rascal.
she was only getting one day off for easter, *today*, yesterday i asked her could we go to mackay to see him, she said she has just spent the last twelve days working and wanted to spend her 'one day off' relaxing, not travelling to mackay - so unusual cos she always takes every chance to go see him.

tuesday, termination

up early to get a run in before heading to the airport.
ran with bernie along 'the bay' ... its always interesting to see other peoples 'regular runs' and having the opportunity to be a part of them.. i remember doing rays back in december after c2k and his 'bay' was a different one :D
this morning, it was great to witness night turning to day as we ran along the coastline
bd was gonna join us on his bike but stayed in bed instead when the cold dark morning greeted us :D haha. SOFT!! :P

magical monday

oh what a day!
glorious glorious glorious - beginning to end! after a couple of days of cold rain, even the weather was simply perfect

headed with kerrin and kylah to breakfast, we got a little lost along the way, reward though - the yummiest fruit salad ...

sensational sunday

this final day came quickly ...
with the past few being so hectic i tried to take the time to actually relax a little more and absorb the absolute buzz of it all. finality.
no physical sessions today, so quite a brain burn - will make up for it tomorrow somehow!
my lack of running and/or exercise has been duly noted, commented upon and questioned :) haha! more than once. :D
i have no answer to that, i have been rather lazy i guess compared to normal, though to be fair, i HAVE had a couple of tough physical sessions so i haven't been completely idle ...
but, re my lack of exercise regime .... i have found the whole experience exhausting, specially from a 'being around people' pov, also. there are no 'time out' moments, no *my own space* moments ... it's just rush go rush go rush
not being able to sleep early so therefore not getting up as early as the others did, hasn't helped from a time management side ... its simply up, throw some grapes into my mouth, and off to the first session, just making it! besides, if it is such an issue, someone could have woken me and said oi, up lazybum and run!!!!!! :P~~

supersized saturday

misty tripoli - loved the vitality!

another fantastic day ...

PT breakfast <- wow, what a mixup! it was on my schedule they sent me. all good. paid for. done and dusted. then. it wasn't!!?!! i questioned it yesterday and got nowhere, they had booked me into a session i had no interest in, so, rather than enter into an argument when i was feeling so happy, i simply changed instead, to head to one of misty's 'groove' workshops. she inspired me more yesterday than michelle bridges ever has anyway.
OMG!!!!!!! that was the craziest, weirdest hour and a half of exercise i have done in the last five years of exercising!

fabulous friday



with misty tripoli - WOW! gorgeous (odd) woman!

adrenalin pumped!  :) it's been a blast so far.
hilarious keynote opening, two great sessions, one dud of a session, a FANTASTIC kickboxing workshop (oh i will be OUCH and bruised tomorrow) glorious fun, delicious lunch with sara (albeit quick), a rapid look around at the fitness convention stands,  a beer (haha fitness convention?!) and a wine! lovely dinner out, and sooooooooooo NOT sleepy right now, everyone else already snoring away ... :D yay for beautiful days! albeit. hectic, as all hell

planes, trains and .... odors!

a great day :D
had a wonderful morning at the gym, great people, a few enquiries, and just on an adrenalin buzz anyway, ready to head off ... plane trip. was a plane trip! ugh! prossy to brissy not so bad, other than, crammed into a plane is noones idea of fun and tough on my back, but brisbane to sydney was worse. squashed between a guy who i dont think had showered in months, and had sprayed himself, possibly in an attempt to conceal the fact he hadnt showered in months, in a throat choking, eye watering deodorant, and to my right, a large lady who's body rolled into my seat as well ... was grateful to arrive and get off the plane.

filex excitement

only a day until filex starts ... :D just been and dropped kerrin off at the airport and now, it is very real! anticipation, much!?! her excitement as leaving, fuelled a little extra i think cos she is the ONLY passenger on the plane (how cool!), has fed me!

finish at prossy gym early afternoon and head straight to the airport, sydney bound, where by then, everyone else will have arrived, be settled in, and have a day of seminars already under their belts :)

wanted: trails - open ones!

a great run this morning with christie and fred out at the airport again, with paul and his family joining us for the second time through ... 20kms, but... unfortunately. road \o/ it creates a real mind f*** for me seeing just an endless piece of tar that goes forever as opposed to trails that are just ever changing and beautiful  ... guess thats a different sort of training to conquer :)
tried to run based on my heart rate, keeping it at a rate i would do the 100km at - couldnt, was between 80 and 90% pretty much the whole time. and can't keep that pace up over 100kms. hmmm

with only 4 weeks till northface i am struggling to find an appropriate place to do some distance trail training - i really wish the great walk would re-open... every time i ask someone about it the date changes, or is 'unknown' ... kingfisher is now difficult to get to, honeyeater just ... difficult :)

who needs an o

well oprah came and went and disappointed in the gift giving department, so finally ... after a few months of pouting, headed out today and got a new phone ...
must say. they get smaller and smaller. or my fingers are just too fat to use the keys properly! but. it's cute as a button! and LOVE the orange!
may it last until i can replace my old one - november they tell me! onya optus. love talking to the people in india to try and sort out the problems of connectivity in our little world so very far away

love freely

"If I want to be loved as I am, then I need to be willing to love others as they are." - Louise L. Hay

for someone who has everything

now i have seen it all! an alarm clock, to encourage 'activity' ... we have the answers to the worldwide weight problem! :D

Shape Up Dumbbell Alarm Clock - won't shut off until you do 30 bicep curls!

well, considering the bicep track in pump class is my least favourite - ( love when we don't do it :D oh i have such WEAK biceps!) - maybe i should invest in this little gadget :) and i will have strong bulging biceps before i know it! unfortunately, i dont use an alarm clock, otherwise... hmmmmmmmmm it's just sooo tempting eh!
i can only imagine it's annoyance when you go from beautiful dreams to arm bending, to turn off some wretched screeching noise! haha

banana bonanza

8 kilos - 51 bananas!! how much?!!? :D damn, surprising!

i found a new love today, market banana man ...

went late to the markets, 11am ... normally there much earlier but - up at 5, did a 25km run - centro return, had a quick brekky break as i ran back past home cos i was starving then out to mandalay and return ... back home, showered, lay down to stretch my back out, and promptly fell asleep for an hour - ha!
woken by storm getting ready for work (OI, poke poke prod prod, weren't you going out running this morning?!) or i probably would have slept even longer - egads - shockingly realising the time, i raced down to the markets thinking i was too late, and banana prices are ridiculous in the supermarkets ...

exercise is vital

working with the black dog institute at the moment has been a real eye opener into the world of depression beyond anything i have ever understood about myself ... i always thought i had a good grip on the workings of the brain and the whirlwind it can become, the self destruction it can create - within my own world
extensive surveys have created a rating that measure the effectiveness of certain strategies in treating depression - the results demonstrate some interesting trends which mirror my own experiences - of the 16 listed - nine are effective for me to varying degrees ....

countdown to nf100

the time - is already slipping by. one week blends into the next this year. and i find myself now, with only nine weeks left to train for northface.
still wishing i had a trainer... because i need that support and expertise on getting the balance AND the training, right ... i don't know my time i have set myself is realisitic anymore but this past week has been an awesome training week. some good running. some great trails. some good strength workouts. and a handful of classes at the gym. need to figure how to push myself a little more and get 'agility' incorporated into it all though ...

6 foot track ultra was on this morning, so wish i was there for it ... it takes in a component of northface which is great as a pre race training run! a testing of the waters ... at least i got to run it back in october :)

feeling VERY happy

The Workout of the Day for March 7th . . . starts with an "R" and ends with a "T" . . . love crossfit wod's :) :) :) these resting ones! however. it just means i didnt do a crossfit today. everything else remains to plan, it has to .... 10 weeks until northface - darn it will fly as always

woke at 5 to torrential rain, had planned on going to outdoor fitness, lay listening to it and so wanted to stay in bed remaining dry - coming up with every excuse of why it wouldnt be on - but, rain hail or shine - of course it was gonna be. eventually figured - GO :)
and so glad i did - what a  GREAT session

time disappears quickly

hmmmmmmmmm. it is time to start thinking northface. well, past time actually .... only 10 weeks away ....

time to find a trainer. to develop a proper training program again. and to start looking at what i do so it is more relevant, more training specific ..
build up all that michelle used to teach me - speed, agility, power and strength - the goal is to run it under 20 hours - well, preferably even quicker, but, under 20 hours earns a bronze buckle.
'agility' thats what i miss most, and what i arent getting the most ... plus. the push. the motivation. the accountability. nearly six months later, and im still just 'plodding' along, doing whatever i feel like exercise wise, too many classes, day in day out ... BLEH :P~~  much to consider. and it has to get to the TOP of my to do list ....

but... can NOT wait until race day!!!! how exciting - plus lisa tamati is going to be competing this year, OMG that is as cool as dean - w00t!

mt whitsunday eeeeeek

spent the morning writing, headed to the market, then a 'push it hard' run to the gym up over the hills - arrived just as kerrin was heading out to watch the rugby dudes run up mt whitsunday. i had forgotten that was on and was a ball of melted sweat already. went and had a quick wash off then went with her to give them support.
we couldn't see any cars or people when we got there but we were a little late. we started driving up. HA! what a friggin mother of a hill. the car huffed and puffed - i think i can i think i can ... couldn't stop laughing! told her id hop out and push! mostly though, cos i DID want to hop out! it felt like we were gonna flip backwards any moment!! haha

score

left to right top row pumpkin, banana stash, pumpkin
left to right bottom row watermelon, watermelon
absent from photo watermelon, half in fridge half in stomach!!

yum yum YUM
well after yesterdays watermelon steal in coles, market banana man this morning, (after last week telling me he would do me a deal cos of the amount i buy!) sold me bananas for $3 a kilo! WOAH! for buying 5kilos or more ... those bananas pictured in the photo, would have cost me $45 in the supermarket at yesterdays price!!

exercise importance

owl, you were right! :D

never slept last night, storm was out till 1, so stayed up waiting for her, then she phones - AT 1am! - to ask can she stay over a friends! ha! cant say i was impressed :) i could have had an early night. tried to sleep but couldnt. was getting up at 5 to head to prossy gym, my go to bed goal of last night ... so got back up and did some writing. sometimes, the best comes in the wee hours of the morn anyways.
went to the gym - did combat - even felt the gloom lifting!

a step outside

You never work out and regret it. You never go for a run and when you are done say "I wish I would have just stayed home". You never climb a mountain, get to the top and say "I should have just been content to stay where I was".  - JUST DO IT

i would like to say today was better than the past week. in a sense. it was.
i wrote about 5,000 words! that's about. oh. 5,000 more than ive written ALL week! and for the most part, it flowed. i never let my brain stop constructing concepts or my bum move from the flattenmybroadass position of a computer chair...

drowning slowly

sometimes a low hits me by surprise ... ok. not true. i get signs along the way. things that happen. mostly, what would appear to others as small trivial things, but are big mountains to me, things i always think i have conquered and can deal with, to discover - i havent, and i cant.

one after another that create a rebound effect until my brain simply implodes and i feel like im drowning. trying to keep my head above the waterline.

many. wish of course, i simply drowned. and the quicker the better.

rest days

love the crossfit WOD today ... not sure how to tackle it yet, difficult
"The workout of the day for Feb 23rd is - 3 rounds for time - 10 minute nap, 15 minutes of light stretching, 20 minute massage. Enjoy your rest day!"
figure it might take me longer than 45minutes to do that one (oh by 3!!) now just to find a masseuse ... :)

however. despite nothing 'crossfit' to complete - i have already run 10k (with gorgeous rain!), done boxing with tanya, then a step class.

a 'beautiful' day

birthdays, my own, or moreso, birthdays of those that are close to me, are not very good days within my year .... i never celebrate mine, i never celebrate anyones elses, i never see the person whose birthday it is, on their 'day' and i can never give good wishes to them, (but deep inside, i AM hoping they have magical days!).... reasons why, are unnecessary for anyone else to ever know, but i usually spend them hidden away at home, away from contact with anyone - obviously that creates such a stress, it certainly requires a great deal of pre thought and angst in the preceding days and in the aftermath.. a lot of turmoil that i have to clean up and make up for, that can take days weeks! ...
i DO give lots of gifts though, throughout the year. people never lack because of my shortcomings. sporadic. noone ever knows when something will be given from me. i call them, beautiful day gifts. they don't come on peoples 'birth'days,. they come, any day during the year i find something i like, for someone i care about, and - i purchase it, wrap it, and surprise them with it ... isn't that more wonderful anyway? giving, because i want to, not because it is a societal expectation!? i certainly think it is. i dont accept gifts on my 'birthday' (i dont make things easy for people :/ ) but, i too, LOVE to receive 'beautiful day' gifts ....

too much paradise

went for bootcamp this morning - couldnt find the group! :/ ... found many others training away, but couldn't find 'the park' the one i was heading to was in, so many people around, ran from one park to the other, then half a dozen 'asks' later - found, *mine* - at 2 minutes AFTER 6 - not a soul in sight .... it was raining so wondered if maybe they don't meet if it rains - i doubt it though. obviously i had just missed them, and they must run to different places and use that maybe simply as a meeting point mayhaps. bummer

b@b

bootcamp at burleigh ... 27 people! running along the beach to the headland ... then. lunges uphill! backward running uphill! sprinting! all with weights. STEEP hill. man. invigoratingly TOUGH!
gorgeous beach, plenty of sunshine! could there be a BETTER way to start a day!?!! w00t!

rainy brilliance

rainy burleigh heads

5am - a 10k run ... up to burleigh headlands then back through to miami, along the beach

glorious - it rained - of course it did :) but so many people about - running, walking, surfing, bike riding - HUNDREDS - wow a different lifestyle down here, or the bigger population obviously, but felt so good being amongst so many, so early, most all in their own worlds...
a BEAUTIFUL start to the day... next? ... dreamworld! here we come!

rocky road to rocky

luxury - it is not!

plans for an early start on the road had to be delayed when storm had to go to the first day of tafe despite her holidays beginning yesterday - so no problems, simply an adjustment and throwing plan b into action, the main concern of course, was island times getting done to deadline -:)

adopting crossfit mentality

i didnt do any scheduled xfit training classes this week :/

however. i have not been idle in doing the training of it, nor in learning as much as i can about it all, the benefits, the levels, the philosophy behind it, etc.
reading as much material as i can find
crossfit training - shorter sessions, high intensity, challenging, i enjoy it - they have such a different mentality to what is 'fitness'. the workouts are simply a combination of so many elements. and, when they are completed. there is nothing left in the tank! that IS, an amazing feeling... a huge adrenalin high

a month till cradle

"The body is a SIMPLE instrument...
If you misuse it you have no other place to LIVE" ~ Dr. L. Afrika

vicki, jan, me and kerrin on the way to shute harbour

well. a week into the new year already.
for me, it's been a great one, ... have been just in 'happy mode' which is a wonderful feeling to hold onto for so long, and, training - good. not excellent though.
only a month till cradle now. i havent done any trails and i havent done any 'long runs' in a while - so i feel kind of disappointed in that of myself. so therefore a little underprepared for cradle to be honest - and not sure why my enthusiasm has drained out of me for it - this time last year i was SO excited about going and being ready for it consumed my every thought ...

i HAVE run consistently every single day though, which was a goal of the year and have reached a total of 75kms for the week, that includes however the 10k new years walk, which of course, wasnt running but i included it in the total (eeeek?) - well, it was a BRISK walk keeping up with VERY fit people all of whom have incredibly long strides compared to mine! :D - 3575 to go for the year :P :)

the weeks training - many classes not on at the gym for this holiday week, so maybe a little less than what i normally do ...

what goes up must come down

grav·i·ty [grav-i-tee]–noun
the force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the centre of the earth

they're not kidding ! :)

today i just wanted to cry :)
i guess i could blame fatigue. over the past couple weeks ive been running a minimum of 10kms every day, ive been doing lots of classes, lots of plyometric sessions, and lots of the daily xfit WOD's ...
but i was simply doing toe taps on a bench. 50 seconds of the easiest of the exercises of the toughest workout we were currently doing in xfit - right near the end of the 50 seconds, my left leg goes up, and what goes up is spose to come back down, right. it didnt. my right leg goes up. my left leg stayed in place - can humans balance with no feet on the ground? no point of contact? NOPE!!!! apparently NOT! haha
i fell back, hard and flat onto the concrete. on my tail bone, of which, is mostly nonexistent in my fused backbone. it knocked the wind out of me. i lay back against the wall. i wanted to burst into tears. everything hurt. and my legs were like jelly.

interesting site discovery

some great articles to read here on this guys website - newly discovered, wish i had long ago - on weight loss and nutrition ... - but be warned.
they are straight to the point, and this dude does not care about offending anyone. words we MUST hear. this guy also delves into many other areas of life too, which are all great and easy reads. - change yourself, in a positive way, today.
hard work? yes. change always is. worth it? YES!!!

beginning twenty ten plus one - positively

i loved every moment of this new years beginnings and it couldnt have gone more perfectly...

new years eve we all made delectable vegetarian delights and took up residence across from capers - sooooooooooooooooooo much food, mark and vicki brought everything but the kitchen sink and we therefore had the most loveliest of decorated tables complete with star lights and all, bling. we all must have thought we had invited a whole army along, gosh. so much to eat and choose from, but, all vegetarian. no decisions to make. i could eat what i wanted with like minded foodies and not have to question  :) that felt like such a relief ....

why dont we 'hear'

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered " Nelson Mandela

i have had contact with a lovely couple from my past ... roslyn and jim. it is funny how much memory can come flooding back - all the help they gave me, all they tried to teach me. it is odd how, many people can teach us 'lessons' in life - but it isnt until we are personally ready that we actually 'hear' ... sometimes, it takes a journey of people telling you the same things before you listen ... THAT. was me. that. is me.

many moons ago - i was obese - i would turn up at work, grunt hello to people, because i feared talking to them and actually making a 'connection'. sit at my desk and - work. i would go home (via kentucky) sit down at my computer and - work. bed. then repeat the routine the next day.

one day, that routine was broken.

fitness fanatic?

what IS one, exactly?
fitness (fĭt'nĭs) n.
The state or condition of being physically sound and healthy, especially as the result of exercise and proper nutrition.
A state of general mental and physical well-being.
The state of being suitably adapted to an environment.
fanatic: [fuh-nat-ik] n.
a person with an extreme and uncritical enthusiasm or zeal
fanatical: [fuh-nat-i-kuhl]
surpassing what is normal or accepted in enthusiasm for or belief in something; excessively or unusually dedicated or devoted

i have recently been referred to as being a 'fitness fanatic' - actually, to be honest, not the first time, however, i just felt this time it was used in such a negative way, like its a huge weakness in my character...
am i one? i have never considered myself as such ... 'extreme' 'excessively or unusually dedicated'? i personally, do did not think so.
i believe i now care about my health, greatly, yes. to ward off obesity the answer is simple: we should eat less and exercise more... when you have spent the majority of your life fat, grossly FAT - ok, let's call a spade a spade, grossly OBESE - then manage to successfully lose most of the weight, perhaps you are more prone to worry about it piling on again? i dont have any particular answer to that. just saying.

colour my world

a peek into my wardrobe discovers it filled with mostly gym clothes - hanger upon hanger - throw in a handful of singlets, some shorts, a couple of pairs of jeans and a couple of rarely worn dresses! thats it complete - i arent sure what this actually says about me - i dont have much of a life? :)
the shoe cupboard? i have three pairs of regular normal everyday shoes - yet, 17 pairs of joggers - all at varying stages of disrepair - trail running shoes, road running shoes, crosstraining shoes...
my gym gear -14 tops, 7 9 pairs of shorts. seems a lot. yet. what do i wear? the same three tops, rotating. the same two pairs of shorts - both of them, identical. shoes - i wear the same two pairs - one for when i run trails, one pair for when  i go to the gym. i do tons of barefoot stuff so at least this one is a little more comprehendable.

there is of course fat day gym gear - thats the stuff i wear regularly. versus the skinny day gym wear which will probably never see the light of day! :)

3650km in 365 days

from the cr forums
3650km in 365 days, a challenge for the "average" runner
I thought I would kick this off following on from Stacey Toby's 750km in 75 days thread. I admired her spunk and intent to choose a goal somewhere near the edge of her ability, put it out there on a public forum, and have a crack.
So in the same spirit, starting New Years Day and continuing throughout 2011, can you average 10km of running per day?
I know there are plenty of ultra nuts who could knock this out in the year, but it isn't intended for those of us who frequent the darkside. We have more than enough goals to motivate us to keep up our mileages, and it wouldn't be too much of a challenge for any ultra runner competing regularly.
Actually, I reckon if you run more than one event of 100km or longer in 2011, you are inelligible. Go find a bigger sandpit in which to play. This is more for the marathoners, half enthusiasts and fun runners.
So who is in?  Paul Every

towards a perfect 2011

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” Colin Raye

so, i am currently lazing around at a friends and he has challenged me to come up with my goals for a 'picture perfect 2011' - what would i want from my year ahead? how do i wish it will have looked, once i am at its end ... taking time to think about 2010… what are some areas i would like to improve?  what are some things i wanted in 2010 that i wasn’t able to do or achieve?
it isnt something that is actually as easy as it sounds, when i look back at it, i had a really great 2010, overall - sure, i would definitely like to change my 'down days' to less, thats for certain, but hey, they ARE what make me 'me' - and i wouldnt change that. i like the person i am. i like the person i have become. and i am proud of all i have achieved under the circumstances of 'my life' ...

so - my 'picture perfect 2011'

how fast it goes

10 weeks results ...
there is 8.3kgs of less 'me', in ten weeks! have not had measurements since before going away but the total then was 18.7cm loss - so, i am satisifed with those two figures as my 'finalities' ... i guess i have no measure of my fitness levels as being improved or not though, other than, i do feel stronger - thats the downside of not doing it as a group nor of having a trainer - albeit not by choice.